


Skinchanger

by LettersToShakespear



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alpha - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Bloodshed, Dick Touching, Fighting, Flashbacks, Graphic Description, M/M, Mates, Non-Consensual, Once again I'm just going to put it out there that this is NOT a happy fic, PTSD, Pack Dynamics, Protective Fíli, Rape, Rape Recovery, This is an EXTREMELY dark fic, Werewolves.. Kind of, beta, filled with dubcon and very archaic pack law, height reversal, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-05
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-01-03 13:12:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 74,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1070853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LettersToShakespear/pseuds/LettersToShakespear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fili, the Alpha of his pack, hadn't been searching for his mate. Really, he'd just happened to stumble upon him.<br/>Though it should be something to rejoice about, it all turns into a murky kind of hell when he realizes that his mate has a dark and twisted past, one that has left him broken and afraid. </p><p>He may have just met the feisty brunet, but he knows that he will stop at nothing to break through his mates walls and piece him back together again.</p><p>(P.S. As a warning, this is a very very dark fic with a lot of dubious factors, don't read if you're expecting something else)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this is an idea that I've been thinking about. And I thought it would be cool and interesting and yeeaaahh. I'm basically just going with the flow, and I really really hope that everyone likes it!  
> So leave me feedback? pretty please?  
> Hehe, either way, thanks for reading!  
> Enjoy!

* * *

 

The night is dark, a new moon somewhere in the vast depths of the sky. Clouds froth and boil, wind picking up and blowing the hot humid air through the trees. Thunder is in the distance, a storm brewing and waiting for the perfect moment to flash forks of lightning.

 

  
Fili is in the suburbs right now, checking on a few things before he heads back to the house. His pack will be waiting for him to return with news about the current unrest within the leopard pack. Many of the skinchangers were full of unease the past few weeks. More than one kind of storm was brewing on the horizon.

 

  
Making his way quickly down the deserted streets, a flash of lightning lights up the sky, thunder crashing directly after. It’s only a matter of time before it begins to rain out, something he’s not looking forward to. Bofur and Nori were on patrol which meant they’d make a mess of the house when it was time for them to switch off. Mud all over the floors and carpets and puddles everywhere. Dori would more than likely be enraged by the mess.

 

  
He pulls himself away from the thoughts, focusing instead on getting back to the outskirts of the suburban town to pick up his truck. It’s after a loud crack of thunder and a flash of light that he hears the muffled yells, the harsh laughter that echoed against brick alley walls. It only takes him a moment to decide that he will check things out, despite that he is going to be late and Dis will have his hide in the morning.

 

  
Fili creeps slowly down the alleyway, feet carefully avoiding the trash that litters the ground. Depending on how many people there are, he’ll need the element of surprise. Pausing at the corner, he sniffs at the air, a gust of wind blowing the scent of skinchangers towards him. They carry the musky scent of bear. _lovely._  
Slipping slowly around the corner, his muscles stiffen as he sees the sight that is before him. Two men stand laughing above the body of a brown haired man, his long hair snarled in knots and blood dripping down from his nose and smeared all across his face. Hands move meekly to protect his face as one of the men swiftly kicks him in the side, sharp yelp escaping his lips. The other man reaches down and lifts the brunet up by the collar of his shirt, head lolling to the side and eyes glazed in pain.  
A hard growl escapes from Fili’s chest, shoulders squaring as he steps out from where he had been peeking. The two bears instantly twist around, eyes narrowed as they look upon the newest addition.

 

  
“Look here Bert. We have ourselves a wolfman on the prowl. Is this one of yours?” The bear smirks, fingers lacing through the brunets hair and yanking hard at the strands.

 

  
“He’s quite the vocal one, he is. Screamin’ ‘is little heart out he was.”

 

  
“Put him down. Now.”

 

  
“Don’t think I will, wolfman.”

 

  
Things escalate quickly from there. Fili can feel the change coursing through his veins, skin rippling and fur thrusting out from his skin as his bones cracked and crunched, forcing his human body into the shape of a golden wolf. The two bears step back at the ripple of power that courses through the air, eyes widening as they gaze upon the snapping white canines that are revealed when Fili snarls. He is an alpha of his pack, and he will tear these two into bloody strips of meat. It doesn’t matter that he has no idea who the brunet man is. All that matters is that he is wolf.

 

  
“We didn’ mean anything by it!” Bert immediately defends himself, motioning for the other bear to scram. Bloodlust is rising up in his heart, the animal need to hunt and tear into flesh taking over. Another crash of thunder sounds off, Bert yelping at the sudden sound and tossing the brunet away before he takes off down the alleyway.  
The wolf watches as the brunets head cracks against the pavement, body going limp upon the dirty concrete. He has only a moment where he thinks of chasing the bears down, teeth ripping into their flesh. Instead he settles himself down, snarling loud as the change into human form takes place far to soon after his previous change. Muscles pull and tear, ribs cracking and bones rippling against his skin. He’s covered in a sheen of sweat once the change is finished, completely naked and crawling forward on his hands and knees towards the unmoving brunet.

 

  
It’s not until he is up close that he breathes in the scent of the man before him. Everything turns into a swirling mess inside of his head, thoughts tumbling wildly and heart clenching painfully in his chest. Hard gasp escapes his mouth as he looks at the bloodied face, feeling sharp spikes of anger and worry course through his veins. Oh how it aches, how it burns and throbs and pulses into the very marrow of his bones! _He is mine. My mate._

 

  
He stands up quickly, picking up the brunet and cradling him easily in his arms. The sight of the blood dripping down his face makes him see red. If he ever finds those godforsaken bears again, he will have their heads. Yet the thought is for another time, for he carries the wounded brunet in his arms and he must get to his truck fast, feet pounding against the pavement in an attempt to avoid being seen by humans in his naked state.

 

  
He makes it back to the truck in record time, pulling out the key he has hidden in the tire well. Carefully, he curls the brunet up in the passenger seat, quickly pulling on a pair of the spare sets of clothes that he keeps in a duffle bag for occasions such as these. Next he opens up the glovebox, grabbing a handful of napkins and carefully dabbing away the blood that coats the brunets face. The napkins are thrown onto the floor without a second thought, fingers shoving the key into the ingnition and starting the truck up with a roar. It’s time to bring the brunet home.

 

 

* * *

 

  
Fili doesn’t make it back to the large house in the woods until around 1 in the morning. The brunet has yet to wake up, causing thick waves of worry to cloud his mind. Nothing matters more to him right now than the hurt wolf in the seat beside him. He attempts to keep his eyes off of the brunet, trying to focus on the curving dirt road that serves as a two mile long driveway.

 

  
Trees sway along either side of the road, rain pelting down against the glass windows of the truck. It’s only one more curve in the road before he is met with the familiar sight of home. The large white barn style house looks out of place in the middle of the woods, three stories tall with an addition added on to the back. Not to mention the enormous garage that laid off to the side, housing quite a few of the packs vehicles. The lights are still on in the kitchen, meaning Dwalin, his Beta, must be waiting up for him.

 

  
With a twist of his wrist he cuts the engine, running around to the other side of the truck to open up the door and pull the passed out brunet into his arms. Blood continued to drip from his nose. By the time he reaches the door Dwalin has already opened it having heard the sound of the truck outside. Instantly his eyes narrow at the sight of the brunet within Fili’s arms, lips pulling back in a snarl at the foreign wolf.

 

  
“This is no time for you to get protective Dwalin. Get Oin, now.”

 

  
Dwalin huffs but he follows the order, racing through the kitchen and up the stairs whilst Fili carries the brunet into the living room, draping the man across one of the couches. It doesn’t take long for Dwalin to return with Oin along with a few other members of the pack. Bombur, Bifur and Ori peer silently at the wolf, noses sniffing at the foreign scent of the wolf alongside the smell of fresh blood.

 

  
“You brought back a stray,” Oin huffs, bending over to poke and prod at the brunet. His brunet.

 

  
“He was being attacked in an alleyway by two bear skinchangers when I found him. His head hit the pavement pretty hard and he’s been out for at least an hour. Will he be okay?”

 

  
It’s unlike Fili to ramble on like this, but he can’t help it. Not when he’s looking down at his mate. Even if he didn’t know the brunets name.

 

  
“Ori, would you do me a favor and grab me the little flashlight in the kitchen please? and Bombur, get some wet rags. This blood needs to be cleaned up.”

 

  
Everyone moves into action, quickly grabbing the things that Oin had asked for. Meanwhile, Fili sits and watches as the healer checks his patient, hands lifting up the hem of his shirt to show mottled bruises that litter the brunets stomach and chest. Oin doesn’t hesitate to press his fingers against the brunets ribs, feeling along the bones to see if they are broken. The brunet lets out a low whine, a sound that cuts deep into Fili.

 

  
“He has a few broken ribs, but I’m sure they will be healed in a few days time along with the bruises. Ah, Ori, thank you.”

 

  
The ginger haired boy hands over the flashlight, watching with anxious eyes as Oin pulls back one of the brunets eyelids and clicks the light on. Pupils instantly contract into small pinpoints, deep brown irises shining brilliantly in the light. Oin does the same with the other eye, clicking the light off and handing it back to Ori.

 

  
“I think he’ll be fine. He probably has a bit of a concussion but his reaction to the light is a good sign. Rest will be the best thing for him.”

 

  
Fili only nods his head, brushing his fingers through long brown locks. He can feel the stares of his pack against his skin, can feel the way that they watch him with curious eyes. They had all the reason to, considering he’d brought in a strange and bleeding stray. One that he was now touching in an intimate manner.

 

  
“Who is he Fili?” The quiet question comes from Ori, wide eyes watching as Oin began to wash away the blood on the brunets face.

 

  
“He is mine.”

 

  
“You mean to tell us that this scrawny little thing is your mate?” Dwalin scoffed, eyeing the brunet with dislike. Bombur only lets out a surprised little sound and Ori begins to take a closer look at the unconscious body that lies on the couch.

 

  
“Remember your place, Dwalin. I said he is mine,” The blond snarls, teeth bared as hard blue eyes look upon his Beta. He says nothing but continues to look at the brunet with narrowed eyes. Ori, on the other hand, is more than happy to ask questions.

 

  
“How do you know? that he’s you’re mate, I mean.”

 

  
“His scent. As soon as I perceived it I knew he was mine.”

 

  
“Must be nice, finding your true mate,” Bombur smiles.

 

  
“I know nothing of him. I’ll wait to decide it it’s a good thing or not,” Fili replies, eyes lingering on the brunet before he looks back to Oin.

 

  
“Is it alright if I move him?”

 

  
“Yes, but be gentle.”

 

  
“Where will you bring him? If you leave him in a guest room then everyone will be upon the lad before he even wakes up,” Dwalin states gruffly, a note of acceptance hidden within his voice.

 

  
“I’ll bring him to my room for tonight. He can have the bed and I will sleep on the floor and wait until he wakes.”

 

  
Dwalin nods slowly, fingers running through the hair of his mohawk.

 

  
“I’ll make sure that no one disturbs you when they wake.”

 

  
Fili says his thanks before he gently picks up the brunet, cradling the slim body against his chest. The body in his arms feels so thin and fragile, skin as pale as a china doll. He pulls the brunet closer to him as he begins to walk down the hall towards the addition at the back of the house. His own little apartment in a madhouse of wolves.

 

  
Opening the door with one hand, he closes it behind him before he pads down the hallway to his bedroom, turning on the lamp that rests on his side table. He pulls the brunets shoes, socks and pants off along with the bloodied shirt, leaving him only in a pair of black boxer briefs. Downy soft blankets and sheets are pulled back, Fili managing to manipulate the brunet beneath the blankets before he tucks him in. He grabs a pillow and the extra blanket that is at the foot of the bed, tossing them down onto the floor before he takes a moment to gaze upon the man that is in his bed.

 

  
He’s a pretty thing, all angled cheeks and arching eyebrows. Lips are a plush pink color and he has the cutest nose. The brunet is lithe, something very abnormal for a wolf skinchanger. Granted, Ori was a tiny thing, but in a completely different way. He was the runt of the pack, to be quite frank. But this brunet here, his mate... he looked to be more suited to a more refined skinchanger type, maybe a swan or a leopard.

 

  
Fingers rise and card through tangled hair, gently untangling the knots. His body stiffens when the brunet makes a little noise in the back of his throat, lips parting in a sigh.

 

  
“Don’t worry. I promise I’ll take care of you.”

 

  
He whispers the words quietly to the sleeping form, knowing that they will go unheard. Even so, he hopes that they will somehow wheedle into the mind of the brunet to give him comfort in his dreams. That’s all he can wish for before he goes to sleep.

 

 

* * *

 

  
  
Fili is awoken the next morning by a thud and a panicked yelp. Blue eyes instantly crack open and he pulls the blankets off of himself, watching quietly as the brunet struggles in the mess of blankets that he is twisted within upon the floor.

 

  
“Good morning.”

 

  
The brunet instantly stiffens at hearing Fili’s voice, head whipping around as he bares his teeth at the blond, eyes narrowing into a feral glare. Fili tilts his head gently to the left, watching the way the brunet continues to stare at him.

 

 

  
“Where am I?” The brunet snarls the words, finally managing to push the blankets off of himself.

 

  
“Well aren’t you an angry thing.”

 

  
He means it to be teasing but the brunet certainly doesn’t take it that way, shoulders hunching and teeth elongating to snap at the air. Fili narrows his eyes at the action, letting out his own low growl at the brunet. He is alpha, and he does not like to be challenged. Even if this man was supposed to be his mate.

 

  
“You’re in my packs home. I rescued you last night from being beaten to death. The least you could do is offer me your name.”

 

  
The brunet still continues to glare at him, back pressed up against the wooden side table. He takes a moment to look down at his bruised chest, arm wrapping around his stomach. The brunet still lets off an air of anger, but at least its calmed down a bit.

 

  
“It’s Kili.”

 

  
Fili feels like he has been punched in the gut. If there were any uncertainties before, he is sure now that Kili is truly his mate. He wonders curiously if Kili has figured it out.

 

  
“I’m Fili.”

 

  
Kili looks at him with guarded eyes, body still stiff and lips pulled into a tense frown. Fili wants nothing more than to reach out and claim the brunet, but he can tell that such an action will only bring certain discord.

 

  
“How do I know you’re not going to kill me?”

 

  
The question is completely ludicrous, utterly unthinkable and one hundred percent impossible.

 

  
“I think you know the answer to that, Kili.”

 

  
“I don’t want to be your mate.”

 

  
Fili only raises his eyebrows at the statement, knowing full well that Kili is fully aware that he is not going to get out of this. Not by a long shot.

 

  
“It’s to late for that.”

 

  
“Don’t you dare tell me what to do. You don’t own me,” Kili hisses the words, his inner beast rippling the air with a bubbling rage. His own hackles raise, body moving into a crouch as he stares at the brunet before him.

 

  
“You can’t change this, Kili.”

 

  
“I won’t let you force me into this! I refuse!”

 

  
“I’m forcing you into nothing! Don’t try to fight it!”

 

  
Kili stands up with a stumbling motion, slight flinch of pain visible on his face before its pushed away and covered up with a mask of fury.

 

  
“I don’t even know you! I’m just fine by myself!”

 

  
“It didn’t look that way last night!”

 

  
With a flurry of motion Fili feels his back slam against the floor, hard grunt escaping his mouth as he connected with the carpet, a furious brunet digging nails into his skin. His own inner beast relishes the vicious attack, lips curling up in a snarl as he grabbed Kili by the shoulders and flipped him onto the ground, reversing their positions and gnashing his teeth in anger.

 

  
Kili squirms beneath him, but oh is he angry now, finger nails digging sharply into flesh and drawing beads of blood whilst he uses his full weight to hold the struggling skinchanger down.

 

  
“Get off of me.”

 

  
“Not until you admit that we are mates.”

 

  
“I-Get off of me Fili! Get off!”

 

  
“No.”

 

  
Kili struggles desperately but to Fili, to his beast, it just means that he needs to make the brunet submit to him. He doesn’t realize that the anger is slowly ebbing off of Kili’s face, that fear is beginning to take over and he’s looking at Fili with pleading eyes.

 

  
“Get off! Get off get off get off!” Kili pleads, screeches the words and scrunches his eyes closed, his struggles coming to a stop as he cowers on the floor. It takes him a minute before he realizes that Kili has tears leaking out of the corners of his eyes, body quivering beneath him.

 

  
Instantly he scrambles off of Kili, eyes wide as he feels regret and worry stealing over him. What had happened to Kili to make him so afraid?

 

  
“I.. Kili, I’m sorry.”

 

  
He moves to reach out to Kili but he shuffles away quickly, tears dripping down his face in wild fear, breaths coming in quick sharp gasps. It’s obvious to Fili that Kili is lost in his head, eyes far away and glazed over as he disappeared within dark memories. His brunet was lost within his mind.

 

  
“Don’t touch me, I don’t want you to touch me,” the words come out as a soft whine and Fili has no idea as to what he should do. Despite the fact that Kili doesn’t want him to touch, it’s the only way that he knows how to comfort him. Touch and contact was something that every wolf craved and needed. So he ignored the desperate whines of free, the weak struggling and the wet tears and wrapped his arms around the quivering frame, hands rubbing gently at his back.

 

  
“It’s alright Kili, I’m sorry. You’re safe now. I promise I’ll keep you safe.”

 

  
He doesn’t know if his words help. What he does know is that he will not let Kili go no matter what. Fili would do whatever it took to get Kili to trust him, to stay. He’d find out why Kili was alone and why he was so angry and afraid. And somehow...

 

  
Somehow he'll fix it.

 

* * *

 

So I really hope that you guys liked this! I'd love to have some feedback just to see if people actually like it. Aha. Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! So I managed to get a chapter written out, which is good considering I'm not sure when I'll be able to update again this week :) Finals are kicking my butt right now, along with a 12 page paper that wants to end my life. heh. Aaanyways, you can add me on letterstoshakespear.tumblr.com if you'd like to keep up with when I'll be updating and if you want to be able to read the chapter snippets that I post :)  
> Anyways, feedback is always appreciated, and thank you so much for reading!  
> Enjoy!

* * *

 

After about a half an hour of coaxing, Fili manages to get Kili to calm down, brown eyes still rimmed red and tears drying on his cheeks. Despite his attempts, Kili refuses to say a word, only glowers at him from his position on the carpeted floor.

 

  
“Come on. We’re going to go get breakfast now.”

 

  
  
“M’not hungry.”

 

  
  
Fili scoffs at that, padding towards his closet to pull out some fresh clothes. He strips down naked whilst he turns back to speak to Kili, throwing on his new clothes. 

 

  
“That’s a lie, and we both know it. You clearly haven’t eaten a decent meal in weeks.”  
Kili watches him, the permanent scowl on his face seeming to etch even deeper into the creased lines. It’s obvious to Fili that hes insulted Kili, that the angry brunet wants nothing more than to attack him here and now. 

 

  
“I was doing fine by myself.”

 

  
“Just don’t, alright? Here are some clothes, get changed.”

 

  
Fili throws Kili a pile of clothes that he’d pulled out of the closet after he’d changed himself. A quiet huff comes from the floor but Kili stands up after a few moments and slides his boxers off. Fili takes the moment to appreciate the body before him, seeing that despite the fact that Kili is slightly scrawny, he’s well toned with lean muscle. A trail of thick dark hair curls along his chest, softly thinning out as it travels down towards his stomach and the dip of his belly button. His cock itself is nestled within a lovely nest of curls, one that Fili would love to run his fingers through for hours. 

 

  
A low growl snaps him out of his thoughts, along with a pair of boxers that cover up Kili’s manhood. He can’t help the appreciative smile that’s on his face or the quirk of his brows. 

 

  
“Just because I have no qualms about being naked around others means that I want you looking at me,” Kili glares, throwing on the soft blue shirt that Fili had handed him. More than anything, this wolf is going to be a challenge. One that would probably end up driving him up a wall. 

 

  
“It’s a very nice body to look at. Give me a few minutes to act on what I’m thinking about doing to you and I’m sure you won’t mind me looking.” He knows that his tone is saucy, that he’s probably pushing to far but it’s worth it to see the slack jawed look that graces Kili’s features. There’s only a few moments to enjoy the expression before the brunet once again has a cold look plastered across his face, his fingers moving to toss his hair up into a messy ponytail. 

 

  
“You’re a neanderthal. And talking to me like that.. well it’s certainly not going to get you into my pants. That’s for damn sure.”

 

  
“I’ll take that challenge.”

 

  
Tenseness is building up in the air, inner beasts circling and prowling, feeling one another out as they stand on opposite sides of the room. One little misstep, one push to far, and he knows that his wolf will have no quarrel about coming out to claim his mate. Fili’s wolf _hungers_ for Kili. 

 

  
“C’mon. Breakfast. Half of the pack is probably out there right now, so at least try to have a semblance of manners.” It’s not a request but a command, one that Kili had best stick to. It was one thing for Kili to be hostile towards him, an entirely different thing for him to be belligerent to the rest of the pack. His mate has nothing to say of course, silent and brooding as ever. He’d manage to crack that wall of his, someway somehow. 

 

  
He leads the way out of the addition and into the main house, heading for the kitchen. He can feel Kili getting tense behind him, probably from the overwhelming barrage of wolf scents that fill the air. If you weren’t used to living with a pack it could be very overpowering. Even from the other side of the house he can hear the hoots and hollering of his pack, the roaring laughter of Bofur and the exasperated sighs of his wife, Tirra. 

 

  
Each moment that passes brings them closer to their destination, and each moment brings Kili closer to him until he can feel the brunet almost pressed up against him. He wonders if the brunet even realizes that he’s unconsciously seeking the comfort of touch from another. Right before they enter the kitchen, he abruptly stops, feeling Kili completely bump up against him with a little huff. Looking back at his mate, he quirks up a single eyebrow and gives him a look that clearly speaks _I know exactly what you’re doing._ But Kili doesn’t respond with a snarky come back or a cold look on his face. Instead he is looking at Fili with wide chocolate brown eyes, face pale as milk and cheeks drawn tight in fear. _Shit_. 

 

  
“Kili, it’s fine. They aren’t going to hurt you.”

 

  
“I don’t want to be here.”

 

  
“Nothing bad is going to happen to you, I promise.”

 

  
Kili only nods his head meekly, jaw clenched tight as he slowly follows after Fili. The kitchen itself smells of bacon and coffee, the large table covered with chipped mugs and plates of food. Bombur is at the stove cooking, Bofur, Tirra, and Gloin sitting near one another. On another side of the table sits Ori, his older brother Dori fussing over him as usual. Frerin, Dis, and Dwalin all sit on the other end. As soon as Fili enters the room, they all turn with bright faces, hooting and hollering out their good mornings. They cut their shouting short, however, when they see the quivering brunet that stands behind him. His mother, Dis, is the first one to stand up, eyes peering to look at Kili before she looks at Fili.  
  


 

  
“Is this the man you brought back home?” She asks curiously, gently sniffing at the air. 

 

  
He turns to look at Kili, trying to nudge him into the room. It’s obvious that the brunet wants none of it, body completely tense as his eyes dart around the kitchen, taking in all of the people that sit within. He’d prefer for Kili to introduce himself, but Fili can see how Kili has gone silent as a mouse trying to slink away from the presence of an owl. Sick understanding punches him in the gut when he comes to the realization that Kili feels like the prey in a room full of predators. 

 

  
“Yes. His name is Kili.”

 

  
“Well, It’s nice to meet you Kili. I’m Dis, Fili’s mother.”

 

  
Kili only looks at her with eyes that have suddenly gone blank, his gaze flickering back to Fili before he looks down at the floor. He says nothing to Dis. A light sigh works its way out of his chest, hand moving to beckon Kili to come closer to the table. For a moment Fili thinks that the brunet might flee back into the hallway, only to watch as he steels himself and sits down at the table beside him, however grudgingly it is. 

 

  
“A stray with no manners. What a catch,” Dwalin grunts, eyes narrowed upon Kili. 

 

  
“Save it, Dwalin,” is his hissed reply, but Kili is now watching his Beta with narrowed eyes, lips pressed together in a hard line. The waves of animal anger that is thrown off from the two rolls through the room, causing the rest to shift uneasily within their seats. Dis instantly cuts in.

 

  
“No, none of this at the table. Kili, you’re fine because you don’t know how things work here. But Dwalin, you know better.”

 

  
The admonishment only makes Dwalin scowl, eyes still narrowed upon the brunet who is half the size of the giant skinchanger. 

 

  
“You heard her, Dwalin.”

 

  
Fili’s words take a few moments to sink in, but eventually his Beta leans away from the table, forcing his gaze upon the mug of coffee that sits before him. Quiet chatter picks up a little after that, but there is clearly a hard edge to the atmosphere. Bombur at least doesn’t seem to notice it, cheerfully whistling a tune as he sets down plates of food before Fili and Kili. 

 

  
“Thanks,” Kili mumbles, eyes trained resolutely upon the plate before him. 

 

  
Really, he should have expected what had come next. Kili’s rippling anger and distrust paired with Dwalins instant dislike of the brunet created an extremely sore spot between the two. A spot that served as a catalyst to ignite heated tempers and angry men who held equally angry inner beasts. So when Dwalin scoffs at Kili’s halfhearted thanks, it’s without a moments hesitation that Kili whips his head up, lips pulling back as he lets out a grating snarl. 

 

  
The tension within the room is about to break, the ante upped to astronomical levels by the two short tempered skinchangers interacting with one another. Stress only increases as everyone at the table falls silent once more, eyes riveted upon the scene playing out. Ori is watching wide-eyed whilst Dori quickly pulled him up and away from the table. Gloin steps away as well, Bofur and Tirra staying where they are seated. 

 

  
“Cut it out, the both of you,” Fili hisses the words and Dwalin seems to listen a bit, but Kili does no such thing. Brown eyes are narrowed upon Dwalin, teeth still bared and a little growl rolling at the back of his throat. 

 

  
“Seems like he doesn’t want to cut it out, Fili. Maybe he needs to be taught a lesson.”

 

  
Dwalin slowly began to stand and tower from his chair, long shadow cast across Kili’s thinner frame. Kili seems to take it as a full out challenge, placing the palms of his hands down onto the flat of the table whilst keeping his arms straight. Fili watches the brunet as he loons forward across the table, a low growl building up from the bottom of his lungs to roll out through bared teeth. Large hands go to rest on Dwalins shoulder, Frerins attempt to get the Beta to calm down. 

 

  
“Hands off Frerin. Don’t try to get in my way, not with this one.”

 

  
“Dwalin, you’re pressing something that doesn’t need to be instigated any further. Let it go.” Fili speaks the words to his Beta, but he knows that it won’t make a difference. Things were about to get very, very messy. 

 

  
“And allow him to continue on being a rude little bastard?”

 

  
“If I’m the little bastard then you must be the bloke who always has to go around comparing cocks to see whose is bigger to overcome his inferiority complex.”

 

  
Dwalin lets out a roar of rage, lunging across the table and barely missing a quick footed Kili. Muscles ripple beneath his Betas skin, teeth elongating and snapping at the air. Bofur and Tirra scatter from the table, Bombur corralling them outside before anyone can get caught in the crossfire. Kili meanwhile circles around to the other side of the table, putting some distance between himself and Dwalin. 

 

  
“You snarky, ignorant little piece of shit! Who do you think you are, coming into our home and insulting us? After Fili saved you!?”

 

  
“I think that there’s only one oaf here that I’ve insulted, and I think even your small brain can put that together,” Kili cuts out cooly, watching as Dwalin roars at him once more. 

 

  
“No fighting in the house, get outside!” Fili snarls, his eyes narrowing as he watches the two slowly circling one another. Neither one seems to have heard his command, both to caught up in their testosterone filled fight. 

 

  
“Dwalin! Outside now!” He roars, voice cutting through the thickness in the air. His beta flinches at his words, instantly following the command of his Alpha without a second thought. Kili follows the angry Beta, Fili, Dis, and Frerin close behind. The two are circling and snarling at one another once again, shirts coming off as they take one another in. 

 

  
“Oh, I heard the way you yelled at Fili, stripling. Your disrespect is disgusting!” Dwalin snarled.

 

  
“He’s not my master, and he’s not my Alpha. I only give respect if I get respect.”

 

  
“He’s your damn mate!!!” Dwalin roared, fist swinging out to connect with the brunets face. The whiplash causes his head to snap to the left, stumbling a few steps back at the sudden attack. By now quite a few of the pack has circled around, eyes watching the fight intently, the swirling power of inner beasts thickening the air. Fili only watches as Kili slowly raises his head, a smear of blood visible at the corner of his mouth. Lips spread apart in a devilish grin, teeth stained red as he watches Dwalin. 

 

  
“That all you got?”

 

  
Dwalin is instantly down on all fours, bones snapping and muscles rippling as he begins to go through the change. Kili only smiles wider, dropping down and arching his back and letting out a low growl as his spine cracked and rearranged. Clothes tear apart in little bits, fingernails elongating into sharp nails, fur covered bodies snarling and snapping. 

 

  
Dwalin completes his change first, coarse coal grey fur arching up along his spine just like the mohawk he naturally sports. There is a thick scar across his muzzle, lips pulling back to reveal sharp canine teeth that snarl deep and long. His change brings about a thick wave of power, one that proves his worth as Beta of the pack. As soon as Kili is changed.... Fili’s lungs seem to stop working. Power that seeps off of his mate is astounding, thick and roaring and his beast is so strong, the strength of an Alpha. _Who the hell is this guy, and what the hell happened to him?_

 

  
Kili might be slighter than others, but he is large, fur a long deep black, eyes swirling like dark pools and hackles rising all across his body. Still his breath is taken away. Fili knows that there will be bloodshed, that this is a battle of dominance and it won’t stop until one of them yields. If he truly wanted to stop it, he could, but it would only delay the inevitable of another fight taking place. These were the dynamics of the pack and the laws of nature ruled here. 

 

  
So they watched, looked on as the two wolves began to circle one another, teeth biting and snapping as they looked upon one another. It’s with a flurry of motion that Dwalin slammed his larger body into Kili, teeth biting down into the flesh of his side. A loud snarl follows the action, but Kili manages to twist away, swiping his claws at the Dwalin before he slammed into him, teeth burrowing into flesh, drawing a sharp yelp of pain. 

 

  
It’s a barely contained mess after that, the two rolling around in a mess of furry limbs, snapping teeth, snarling muzzles and the occasional yelp of pain. Blood begins to litter the ground and the two pull apart, muzzles stained red and dripping tongues loll out of their mouths, eyes still locked upon one another. 

 

  
“This isn’t a good idea for Kili,” Oin tells him, coming up to stand beside him. 

 

  
“I know that, but I’m not going to stop this. The sooner that it’s done the better.”

 

  
“Dwalin will tear him apart, and Kili seems the type who is to prideful to yield.”

 

  
Fili knows that Oin’s words ring true, knows that however this turns out it is bound to be messy. In reality, Kili should be the underdog of this fight. He was smaller, less muscular, and also hurt. And Dwalin.. well he was a true warrior, a fighter to the very last. Yet Kili has so much power, his inner beast clearly stinking with the thick power of Alpha. 

 

  
Soon enough they are back at it again, Kili’s furred body dodging an attack from Dwalin, his head shooting down to dig his teeth into the meet of Dwalins leg, head shaking and snarling as he tugged and pulled at the limb. Spurts of blood begin to coat the coal fur, Dwalin barking out a pained sound before he manages to roll himself away from Kili. 

 

  
It goes on and on for long minutes, the pack watching as the two continued to nip, bite and tear at one another, neither one willing to yield. If it went to far, he’d have to make them stop, needing them alive and not dead. Everything comes to a head once Kili takes a rough hit from Dwalin, the bigger wolfs teeth managing to sink into the soft flesh of the wolfs forepaw. Kili stumbles back for a moment, paw dripping and a pained yelp escaping his throat when he tries to put weight upon the limb. 

 

  
Dwalin makes a predatory circle around Kili, teeth bared back in what could only be cold a wolfish smile. Kili does nothing at this, only stands on three legs as he quietly watches Dwalin circle. No one is expecting the lunge that Kili makes, teeth snapping into the thick fur on the neck of his opponent. Dwalin twists and yanks himself away, head shaking up into the air to try and get the offending teeth out of his skin. 

 

  
Kili pulls back hard, fighting to drag Dwalin back with him. Snapping teeth growl as his head is pulled back back back, twisting and dropping to the ground to try to untangling himself from Kili’s wicked teeth. That’s when he makes his move, and that’s when it is done. 

 

  
With a quick snap of teeth, Kili bites into the flesh of Dwalin’s neck, snarling loudly as the wolf beneath him stiffens. A light struggle ensues, Kili’s teeth only digging that much harder into the fragile flesh. The pack is silent, watching in horror and awe as Kili slowly lets go of the silent Dwalin, standing back with teeth bared. They all watch on with baited breath as Dwalin rolled onto his back, baring the soft flesh of his belly to Kili. It was the ultimate sign of submission within a pack. 

 

  
Kili is the first to change back, body oozing blood from thick cuts and his hand leaking out slow pulses of the dripping liquid. He stumbles a bit on his feet, hair a wild and knotted mane that falls around his shoulders. Fili is by his side in an instant, catching at his shoulder despite the brunets week protests. 

 

  
“I think you have a bit of explaining to do,” Fili smiled, eyes tracing the gentle curve of Kili’s neck, eyeing the sheen of sweat that covers his body. Tangy scent of blood mixes in, only serving to increase Fili’s want, his inner beasts’ craving for the skinchanger before him. Oin is interrupting the moment in a flash, eyes taking in the heavy bruises from the previous night along with the lines of blood dripping across Kili’s body. 

 

  
“Alright then lad, I suppose I’ll be fixing you up first. Dwalin should be able to handle himself just fine I think. The big brute.” Oin’s last statement is directed towards the now changed Dwalin, blood dripping lightly down his throat and from other spots along his body. Kili sways a bit next to him, his hands instantly reaching out to steady the wavering brunet. Fili can’t help but to notice the way that Kili flinches away from the touch. He’s doubly surprised by the sharp gasp he lets out when Dwalin stands before him, looking down upon the powerful skinchanger. How could Kili possibly be scared after he’d just bested the powerful Beta? 

 

  
“You have my respect, little Alpha. There’s some honor in you.”

 

  
They were high words of praise coming from Dwalin, but Kili just looked at him with raised eyebrows, slightly angry look upon his face. Fili manages to shut him up before he can say anything to piss Dwalin off again. 

 

  
Fili leaves Kili with Oin then, moving to check in on the rest of the pack that had gathered around to watch the fight. Tirra and Bofur whisper quietly amongst themselves, Ori still staring at Kili with wide eyes. 

 

  
“He is very powerful,” Dis breathed, eyes watching the naked Alpha. 

 

  
“An Alpha all on his own,” He murmurs in agreement, turning to look at Frerin. 

 

  
“I sense that he has quite a story to tell. One that isn’t all that happy by the looks of it. He has been badly hurt before,” Frerin throws in his two scents, eyes focused completely on Fili. 

 

  
“I know. You should have seen him when he awakened this morning. Angry little thing, yelling and screaming and then all of a sudden a crying mess in the midst of an anxiety attack. He goes from angry to this confused scared being in a matter of seconds.”

 

  
“Are you sure that he’s your mate, Fili?” 

 

  
His mother is watching him with curious eyes, hands placed firmly on her hips. She’s always worrying about him like this, always fussing and trying to take care of him, no matter the fact that he is the Alpha of this pack. She never gives up a moment to tell him ‘You’ll always by my baby, Fili. Get used to it.’ It’s infuriating but ultimately oddly comforting. 

 

  
“Positive. There’s something broken inside of him, mum. Very broken and dark, but I’m going to fix it. If it’s the last thing that I do, I’ll get him to tell me what has made him the scared creature that he is.”

 

  
If only he had realized then how hard it would be to crack through Kilis layers. If only.

**TBC**

* * *

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a new chapter everyone! Yay! My finals are winding down so I actually have time to write new chapters again :) This one is a bit of a filler, but I hope that all of you still like it!  
> Thanks for coming back to read more, and if you want to leave some feedback, that would be super chill :)  
> If not, that's chill too!  
> Have a nice day and enjoy!

* * *

 

 

After Kili’s fight with Dwalin, the day seems to settle down a bit. Fili has the entire pack introduced to Kili one at a time after breakfast, all of them watching him with curious expressions. He can tell that Kili doesn’t like the attention, that he feels extremely uncomfortable and wants nothing to do with anyone. The only member that he even slightly takes a liking to is Ori, but he thinks that may have to do more with the fact that he is so shy and quiet that he barely says two words to Kili.

 

  
  
“This is Oin. He runs a doctors practice in town and is our resident healer. This is Bombur, our cook, my mother Dis, who you’ve already met, and she's a nurse. Frerin, my uncle, who works at the garage with me that we own. Everyone else works a few odds and ends jobs, but we all basically pool our money together to take care of the pack as a unit.”

 

  
  
Kili only nods his head slowly at Fili’s words, eyes flickering around the crowd of pack members as he introduces Kili to everyone else. Gimli who is 12 has decided that Kili is the best thing in the entire world because he’d beaten Mr. Dwalin. Fili barely managed to hide a smile at the confused look that Kili gave the little redhead. Apparently he hadn’t been around many children in his lifetime.

 

  
  
Ori decides to shyly pull Kili under his wing, quietly urging him to go on a walk on the property with him. As soon as the two are out of site Fili sends Nori off to follow after them. Though he wants to grow to trust Kili, he just doesn’t yet. That’s when Dwalin approaches him, rubbing idly at a bandaged arm.

 

  
  
“He turned out to be a real terror. I want to know why the hell an Alpha like him has been wandering around all by himself.”

 

  
  
“You and me both. I think that Frerin is correct in guessing that Kili has a dark past. I’m just not sure how I’m supposed to get him to talk to me.”

 

  
  
“Good luck with that, lad. Glad he’s not my mate to deal with,” Dwalin chuckled fondly, slapping him on the back before he took his leave.

 

  
  
“Good luck to me indeed.”

 

* * *

 

  
When dinner time roles around, the room is a mess of roaring laughter and hollering, the entire group sharing different jokes and stories. It’s warm and comfortable and everyone is together, happy and smiling just like a pack should be. Little tussles break out around the table between different groupings of  his pack, while others other throw food at one another and get yelled at by both Risna, Oins wife, and Nurna, Gloins wife.  Gimli is throwing food at Bofur now, following the example of Nori. It’s wild and chaotic, just as it usually is. Meal times were a battle zone in their own right.

 

  
  
Fili could tell instantly that Kili wanted nothing to do with it, growing tense and slowly backing away from the rambunctious pack. Fili slides a hand on his arm, trying to pull him lightly into the other room. The contact takes the brunet by surprise, instantly turning around and clawing at Fili’s upraised arm. In all reality he should have expected the reaction knowing how skittish Kili was within larger groups. But the action still catches him by surprise, droplets of blood tracing down his upraised arm in rivulets. Everything instantly goes silent because wether Kili knew it or not, he had just mad a grievous error, committed an act that was seen as a direct insult towards the Alpha, one that left room for a challenge to be made.

 

  
  
He must have realized his mistake pretty quickly, letting out a little noise as Dwalin and Bifur moved from their chairs to come towards him. Blood stains his fingertips and his eyes are so very wide. Fili knows that Kili did it as mistake, that it was an instinct to protect himself. That’s how all loners were, actions first and questions later. That’s what you needed to do to survive when you were all by yourself.

 

  
  
Now Kili is backing away slowly, eyes wide as everyone turns to look at him, inner beasts power clouding in the air, swirling in a show of strength that leaves the little brunet whimpering. His back is pressed against a wall and Fili knows that this isn’t truly Kili’s fault.

 

  
  
“Let him alone,” he commands, peering at Kili’s shivering frame. What causes him to be so confident and cool then back to this emotional mess that's before him? Fili just can't seem to wrap his mind around it.

 

  
  
“He wounded you. He’s not part of the pack, and he marked you up,” Bifur growls, eyeing Kili with harsh eyes and elongating claws.

 

  
  
“I know what he did, now leave him alone. It was an accident and he reacted on instinct. C’mon Kili.” He directs the last part to Kili, raising his hands up in a light gesture so he can see that he isn’t in danger. Taking his hand gently, he pulls him along towards the living room, asking for Frerin, Dis, and Oin to follow after him. He sits Kili down on the couch beside him, trying to get the brunet to stop scratching his sharp nails into his skin. If Kili doesn’t stop, he’s likely to start bleeding.

 

  
  
“Kili, it’s okay. You’re fine.”

 

  
  
Kili only shakes his head, moving to curl up in the corner of the couch. The brunet just watches with wide eyes, trying to hide himself by curling into his own body. It would be cute if it weren’t so terribly distressing and worrisome. Again Fili can’t help but wonder what happened to Kili to make him this way, so fearful and sad.

 

  
  
Frerin and Dis both sit down on an opposite couch, eyeing Kili with calculating eyes. He knows that they are judging the brunet, are making quick decisions about him that are probably unfair. Oin comes out soon enough with a cup of freshly brewed tea, handing it gently to a quivering Kili and then passing a wet rag to Fili.

 

  
  
“What are they saying in there?”

 

  
  
“I think you already know that Fili,” Oin sighed, sitting down on a plump armchair.

 

  
  
“I’ll speak to them after. They can stuff their dissenting opinions,” Fili growled, watching from the corner of his eye as Kili sips slowly at the tea. The pack were probably going over a plan to shun Kili right now, something that they were most certainly not going to be allowed to do.

 

  
  
“Kili dear.. are you feeling alright?” Dis asks softly, watching the brunet with worried eyes.

 

  
  
“M’fine,” he mumbles, but everyone in the room knows that it’s a blatant lie. He’s still quivering, brown eyes wide and sad.

 

  
  
“I’m sorry I’m bad.” he whispers, voice so quiet that it’s almost impossible to hear.

 

  
  
“Bad? Kili... you’re not bad.”

 

  
  
“None of them like me because I’m a bad person and I screw things up. I understand that. I don’t mean to mess things up.” Kili refuses to meet anyones gaze, placing the tea cup down and going back to trying to hide his face.

 

  
  
Dis, Frerin, Oin and Fili all meet one another’s gazes, faces showing different levels of disbelief and quiet sadness.

 

  
  
“You aren't bad. You made a mistake, everyone makes them. It’s fine.”

 

  
  
But Kili doesn’t seem to think that it _is_ okay, refusing to look at anyone that is in the room. Fili can’t stand the look of pain in his eyes, refuses to leave him to just shiver in the corner of the couch. So he inches closer and wraps a gentle arm around his shoulder, hand gently rubbing at the muscles. He only stiffens up for a moment before he gives in to the comforting touch.

 

  
  
“Kili sweetie, have you ever been in a pack before?” Dis asks softly, brow furrowed as she waits for an answer.

 

  
  
“I.. I wasn’t born like this, wasn’t born into one like the rest of you. And.. the m-man who changed me.. he left me all alone afterwards. I had to figure it out all by myself, and.. and when the other packs found out that I was made they didn’t want anything to do with me. Said I was a freak and an abomination that should be p-put down. And my mom... she found out and she kicked me out and I was just.. alone. I’m always alone.”

 

  
  
A deep ache builds up in Fili’s chest, one that threatens to spill over into his beast. All he wants is to pull Kili into his lap, to hold him and rock him and press sweet kisses into the soft hairs on his neck. But he knows that a move like that might cause a violent reaction, and he doesn’t want to cause Kili anymore pain.

 

  
  
“Did you want to be changed Kili?” Frerin is the one to ask the next question, pained expression on his face. Kili’s reaction is instant, body tensing up and shaking his head frantically from side to side.

 

  
  
“No! Of course I didn’t want it! Why would I ever want that!? I don’t- I can’t- please don’t ask me, please, I can’t I can’t.”

 

  
  
Tears drip drip drip down his face, eyes full of so much pain and horror. Fili ignores the voice that tells him not to help Kili. So he moves slowly, edges Kili closer to him so that he can wrap the quivering brunet up in his arms.

 

  
  
“I was only sixteen wh-who does that to someone who’s only sixteen?” he whines the words, deep sobs ripping from his chest. Fili feels like an iron band is clamping down on his heart, sick feeling boiling up because he'd been _sixteen_ and changed against his will. He can tell that Kili is leaving something else out, that there's something that had gone on other than being bitten by a skinchanger.

 

  
  
“How old are you Kili.” He whispers the question in Kili’s ear, running gentle fingers through his hair to try and keep him calm.

 

  
  
“N-nineteen.”

 

  
  
 _He's barely an adult, still so close to being a pup!_ Fili lets out a low growl at the thought of his mate being so hurt by those that were supposed to treat him with kindness. He was a _pup_ for god sakes! But at the sound of that growl, Kili instantly yelps, twisting and whimpering as he tried to wriggle his way out of Fili’s hold.

 

  
  
“Let me go! Let me go!” He shrieks, eyes wide with terror, and _god_ he’s lost in his memories again.

 

  
  
“Kili, it’s okay! It’s just me, It’s Fili! I’m not going to hurt you!”

 

  
  
But Kili refuses to listen, continues to cry and plead and it’s all that Fili can do to not start having a freak out himself because he doesn’t know how to help his mate. He doesn’t know how to keep him grounded or what has happened to break him so much. His poor little Kili. So he ignores the screams that Kili lets out, picking him up in his arms and walking towards the addition.

 

  
  
“Please don’t touch me, pleeeease!” The word is drawn out in a long keen, Kili shaking uncontrollably in his arms. He only tightens his hold, lets Dis open the door as he carries Kili into the bedroom and places him on the mattress. Instantly, the brunet curls up into a little ball, shivering and whimpering as he kept crying to himself.

 

  
  
“Please leave me alone, please leave me alone, I’ll be better, I promise!”

 

  
  
The sheets and blankets are still scattered on the floor from the morning, Fili picking them up and draping them slowly over the quivering boy. Oin whispers quietly, watching the way that Kili continues to cry.

 

  
  
“This is PTSD If I’ve ever seen it. He’s having a flashback right now.”

 

  
  
“It would explain quite a few things,” Dis whispered, rubbing gently at her temples. Frerin only watches in concern, eyes clouded with some deep emotion.

 

  
  
“Something terrible happened to him when he was turned, Fili. His beast reeks of fear and anger,” Frerin murmured, moving to peer intently at the quivering heap on the bed.

 

  
  
“We’ll talk about it more tomorrow. I need to try and get him to calm down right now, that’s all that matters.”

 

  
  
“Just remember that if he is having an episode Fili, he might get violent. He’s not in his right mind at the moment, lost in traumatic memories.”

 

  
  
He only nods his head in acknowledgement to Oin, shoeing everyone away silently as he slowly circled around the bed and sat down on the edge. Ever so slowly, he eased back the covers of the blankets, stopping when he sees silky brown hair and long arms curled around Kilis face. Fingers ease out towards the hiccuping mess, pads of fingers gently stroking against a quivering arm.

 

  
  
Fili barely has enough time to catch the fists that flail out towards his face, trying to hold onto a flailing and squirming Kili who refuses to calm down. A foot kicks out and catches him in the side, pained grunt escaping his lips as he managed to slip behind Kili, grabbing him and hauling him up into his lap.

 

  
  
“Stop touching me! I don’t want you to touch me! Stop it!” Kili screeches the words, his fingers scrabbling to pull Fili’s arms away from around his waist. He refuses to let go, whispers gently into Kili’s ear and holds him nice and close.

 

  
  
“You’re okay Kili. It’s alright, nothing bad is going to happen to you here.”

 

  
  
He keeps whispering the words into Kili’s ears over and over again, waiting as long as he has to for the brunet to stop struggling and kicking, to stop trying to scream and twist away. When Kili stops struggling, just leans against him in a quiet whimpering mess, Fili lets go of his wrists and instead cards his fingers through soft hair.

 

  
  
“See, you’re fine Kili. It’s just me and you.”

 

  
  
Kili doesn’t say anything, just continues to lay in his arms and slowly curl up against him, burrowing his face close into his chest. There are still hitching breaths that leave his throat, little choked noises and quiet sobs.

 

  
  
“Can you listen to me breathe Kili? Just listen to the way I breathe in and out and follow along, yeah? It’ll help.”

 

  
  
Slowly he coaxes Kili into breathing with him, rubbing a hand up and down his back in warm soothing circles. Fili doesn’t say anything as he feels Kili’s breathing even out, feels the way his lips slowly pull apart to release warm puffs of breath against his skin. Silently, he slides the both of them down so that they are lying in the bed, a protective arm thrown over his mates back.

 

  
  
“Goodnight, Kili.”

 

  
  
Silence is the only response.

 

  


* * *

 

  
  
He’s dreaming of open fields and running with the pack. It’s a warm night, the stars shining brightly in the sky and the wind blowing lazily through the trees. Crickets chirp and animals of the night hide within the underbrush, eyes watching as the pack runs freely through the woods, paws pounding down onto the uneven earth. Warm energy thrums through them, all of the members moving as a synchronized unit that-

 

  
  
“Fuck!”

 

  
  
Aching pain spreads across the left half of his body mere moments after he has hit the floor. Blue eyes flash open, mouth letting out a low groan as he slowly eases himself up into a sitting position. Looking up, he can see a pair of narrowed brown eyes peering over the edge of the mattress, messy knotted hair visible as well. His own eyes narrow, little snort of derision leaving his lips as Kili slinks away from his sight.

 

  
  
Fili gives himself a moment before he stands up, more than a little annoyed to see that Kili is curled up in the center of the bed, blankets wrapped around him and his face peeking out from the covers. What a little brat.

 

  
  
“Kili.”

 

  
  
Brown eyes flicker open, looking at Fili with the cool hard glare he’d had the very first time that they’d interacting. At least Kili seemed to be consistent with his exhausting changes in mood and temperament. He sits down on the bed, trying to hold back a little laugh when Kili pulls the blankets even tighter around himself still glaring. Truly a pup.

 

  
  
“Is there a particular reason why you shoved me out of the bed?”

 

  
  
“M’not your mate. And I don’t like you touching me.”

 

  
  
“I _am_ your mate. And somewhere deep down, you do like it when I touch you because it certainly seemed to calm you down last night.”

 

  
  
The brunet flinches at the reference to the night before, eyes flickering away to look at anywhere that is not Fili. He wished that Kili could trust him, or at least try to. He understood that they didn’t know one another, he truly did. But his inner beast wasn’t so patient and was only concerned with the most primitive of needs. Fili’s beast wanted its mate and it certainly didn’t like having to wait.

 

  
  
“So you shoved me off of the bed?”

 

  
  
“Mhm.”

 

  
  
That’s the only reply that he gets, little growl leaving his throat as the brunet snuggles into the bed. Not even bothering to yank the blankets off of Kili, he shoves the little brunet hard, causing him to topple off of the bed with a little yelp. Fili gives himself a moment before he leans over the side of the mattress, sweet little smile plastered on his face as he looks down at angry brown eyes.

 

  
  
“Doesn’t feel so nice, does it?”

 

  
  
Kili makes a little humphing noise, brown hair splayed out in tangled knots around his head.

 

  
  
“As I see it, we have three options. One is you get up here with the blankets and we share. Two, we share the blankets on the floor. Three, we get up and we grab something to eat.”

 

  
  
“Is there an option that doesn’t involve you and me together?” Kili has a little frown on his face, eyes glittering with a cool look.

 

  
  
“Hm... No I don’t think there is. So what will it be?”

 

  
  
“Breakfast.”

 

  
  
“Don’t want anymore cuddles this morning?”

 

  
  
Kili huffs at the words, standing up and throwing the blankets at Fili. He can’t help but to laugh, taking in the way that Kili looks wearing the same rumpled clothes as yesterday and his messy hair. Fili just stands up with a smile, walking over to the bathroom and tossing a hairbrush out to Kili.

 

  
  
“Run that through your hair. It looks like you’ve been out running all night.”

 

  
  
The brunet grumbles about it all, but when Fili comes back out Kilis hair is all brushed and tied back in a messy bun. Despite how infuriating Kili can be, all Fili can bring himself to do is smile back at the little frown that Kili gives him.

 

  
  
“Come on then. It’s Monday so quite a large part of the pack will have left for work already. I have work myself so I’ll see who’s going to be around today to keep an eye on you.”

 

  
  
Wrong thing to say. Kili seems to jerk back at those words, lips pulling back in an angry snarl.

 

  
  
“Oh, so now I have to be babysat? Lets make sure that the prisoner doesn’t escape?”

 

  
  
“You’re not a prisoner here, Kili.”

 

  
  
“Oh really? So when can I leave then?”

 

  
  
Fili says nothing, only watches the angry brunet as he stands up, inner beast poking its head out at the sense of a fight. How can he really even reply to that?

 

  
  
“That’s exactly what I thought. I’m not allowed to leave. I don’t want to be here, but I have to be because I’m “your mate” or whatever.”

 

  
  
“It’s not whatever. We _are_ mates. You know it is well as I do, knew it as soon as your beast smelled me. I just don’t understand why you’re working so hard to deny it.”

 

  
  
“Because I don’t want to be your mate!” Kili snarls the words, stands up and walks away, back facing away from him and shoulders hunching forward.

 

  
  
“That doesn’t even make sense! Mates are destined for one another Kili! We are made for one another!”

 

  
  
Kili whirls around with quiet rage in his eyes, tears welling up at the corners of his eyes.

 

  
  
“If you knew, you wouldn’t even want to talk to me anymore. I’ll never be a good mate.”

 

  
  
“How can you possibly know that if you wont even let yourself try?!”

 

  
  
“I don’t want to fight right now. I really really don’t Fili. So can we just please go and get some breakfast, and you can have whoever you want keep an eye on me. I don’t care. Just please no fighting right now.”

 

  
  
It’s almost as if Kili has aged ten years before his eyes, dark bags under his eyes standing out to the stark contrast of his white skin. He looks so fragile and thin, his shoulders and body hunching to give him a concave looking shape. So much sadness rests within those brown eyes, sadness that he doesn’t know how to reach.

 

  
  
“This is by no means over. But fine.”

 

  


* * *

 

  
  
Breakfast the second time around for Kili goes much better. Only Dis, Balin, Ori, and Frerin are within the kitchen that morning, all four talking quietly to one another as the two enter. Fili immediately sets in to saying his hellos whilst Kili stands back awkwardly, still feeling more than uncomfortable in this situation.

 

  
  
“You can come sit by me, Kili,” Ori gives him a sweet little smile, eyes shining bright. He almost wants to say no, almost wants to turn around and just lay in bed again. But he doesn’t. He slowly walks over and sits down next to Ori, eyes staring down at the table.

 

  
  
Everyone stops to look at him for a moment, causing him to shift uncomfortably within his seat. He doesn’t like the way their eyes trail across his body, nor the way that they silently allow the power of their beasts to perfume the air. He knows what the silent warning means. _Hurt the young one and we will destroy you._ Kili has no intentions of hurting Ori, can’t even imagine himself saying an unkind word to the sweet looking boy.

 

  
  
“Leave him alone,” Ori grouses, cheeks turning a little pink when everyone raises their eyes at his words. They seem to listen, though, turning back to continue their good mornings to Fili.

 

  
  
“You sit here and I’ll grab you a plate of food.”

 

  
  
“You don’t have to do that...”

 

  
  
“I want to. You’re new and it can be overwhelming. I was born into the pack and I still get overwhelmed with everything. Dori tells me it’s because I’m to much like my mom.”

 

  
  
He’s flashed with that sweet smile once more before Ori pops up and away from his seat, bustling around to find a plate and pile it up with eggs, bacon, toast, and thick sausage links. Kili can’t even remember the last time that he’d had that much food to eat.

 

  
  
“Ori, I really don’t need this much, honest.”

 

  
  
“You’re skin and bones! Besides, if you don’t let me feed you, you can be sure that Dis will be on it just as soon as she’s done with Fili. That woman makes it her duty to keep everyone at tip top condition.”

 

  
  
So Kili accepts the plate of food, nibbling away slowly as he listened to Ori tell him all about the college classes that he was signed up to take in the fall semester.

 

  
  
“I’ll only be able to take three classes though, which is a bit unfortunate. It’ll take me longer to get a degree, but I need the extra time to make money as well as be around for the pack.”

 

  
  
“You’re all very dedicated to one another,” he murmurs, taking another bite of the scrambled eggs on his plate. Ori just looks at him with this sweetly confused expression on his face, taking a little sip of his water before he goes to speak again.

 

  
  
“Well, that’s what it means to be in a pack. We take care of one another and we stick together through thick and thin. One big dysfunctional family!” Ori smiles as he shares his words, unaware that Fili is watching with a tiny little smile on his face.

 

  
  
“I’ve never been in a pack before... And before I was changed, well... my family was only dysfunctional at the best of times.”

 

  
  
“If you’re truly Fili’s mate, then we can show you what it’s like to have a family. It’s nice.”

 

  
  
Kili feels his heart clench at the kind words, completely unable to understand how Ori could be so accepting of him when he barely even knew Kili. _Can’t he see how undeserving I am? How unclean?_ But Ori just continues to give him that crooked little smile with his cheeks flushing a light pink. He doesn’t know what to say to those kind words, so he licks his lips and looks away, eyes staring down at the plate of food that he has only half eaten.

 

  
  
“Alright, I’m off to the garage for my shift. I’ll see everyone later, yeah? Call me if their’s an emergency and I’ll be back as quick as I can.”

 

  
  
He’s more than aware of what the words really mean. He knows that Fili is telling the pack members around him not so subtly that if Kili should cause any problems, they’d better call him and let him know about it.

 

  
  
“See you later, Kili.”

 

  
  
He almost wants to give Fili the one finger salute, but he decides against it. Instead he gives the alpha a sour little smile, his eyes narrowing when Fili gives him a sultry look and blows a kiss his way. Before he can say anything else, Fili is out the door and he is left sitting wide eyed at a table with quite a few skinchangers that he doesn’t even really know. Dis and Frerin both look at him with calm little smiles on their faces, Balin with a calculating look that clearly shows that he doesn’t really trust Kili.

 

  
  
“So Kili... what is it that you were doing before Fili found you?” Ori asked him, ignoring the group of people that watched the two of them closely.

 

  
  
“I uhm.. I did a lot of odd jobs and moved around a lot.”

 

  
  
“Oh I’ve always wanted to travel around place to place! Where have you been? What kinds of things have you done?”

 

  
  
Ori is so sweetly innocent, eyes bright with interest and wide smile on his face. The two of them are so close in age but Kili feels like he is a million times older, despite that there is only one years difference. He doesn’t go into the fact that he moved around a lot because he was running away, or that his mom had decided to try and look for him after a year of him being gone, or the fact that he’d been involved with some bad things to make ends meet. Kili made sure to keep it as simple as possible.

 

  
  
“I’ve been all over really. Just working whatever job I could find.. I’ve worked at coffee shops, waited tables, done night crew cleanup stuff at stores. Nothing exciting really. Just trying to make ends meat.”

 

  
  
“Why didn’t you-“

 

  
  
“Ori dear, I think Kili has had enough questions for now,” Dis interrupts, small smile on her face. Ori flushes a pink color, quickly stammering out an apology. Kili can only look at her gratefully for noticing how uncomfortable he had been getting.

 

  
  
“Come on then Kili. You can help me and Frerin in cleaning out the old barn.”

 

  
  
“There’s a barn out here as well?”

 

  
  
Frerin chuckles at his look of surprise, standing up and throwing his light brown hair into a quick braid. Dis gets up as well, the both of them motioning for him to follow.

 

  
  
“There is indeed. We’re gutting it out right now because we want to make it inhabitable. The house is getting a bit to full so we’re trying to make some more room. I’m surprised that someone didn’t show you where it is yesterday.”

 

  
  
Kili only shrugs his shoulders, content sigh leaving his lips as they head outside into the open air. It’s warm and sunny out, birds singing and little chipmunks and squirrels climbing up trees. He can feel the way that the sun heats up his skin, sinks into the marrow of his bones and curls up in warm waves. His inner beast is begging to come out, to be able to run wild and free into the woods. Kili feels that if he tried to do so he’d probably get run down by both Frerin and Dis.

 

  
  
“Do all of you just.. run around in the area? And you’re not afraid of hunters or anything?”

 

  
  
“Oh not at all. We own almost 2,000 acres of land. Our pack has lived here for years and years,” Dis informed him.

 

  
  
“Have you ever been able to just go out and run, Kili?” Frerin looks genuinely curious, eyes shining bright as he waits for an answer.

 

  
  
“I uhm.. honestly.. I try not to. It’s.. I stick to cities so it’s harder for people to get to know me. Just another face in the background, you know? When I change, I just lose myself. And I can’t do that in the city. It isn’t safe.”

 

  
  
“You do change on the full moon though, don’t you? Forcing yourself not to is extremely painful from what I’ve heard.”

 

  
  
The both of them are looking at him, waiting for an answer. If he were in his wolf form, his ears would be pressed down against his head and his tail between his legs. He feels like a child being admonished and he doesn’t like it, not one little bit. But Frerin and Dis.. they made him feel like it was okay and safe to spill some of his secrets to.

 

  
  
“It... It is really painful at first. But.. you get used to it after a couple of months, and then it isn’t so bad anymore...”

 

  
  
Dis looks at him dumbfounded, eyes wide as saucers and a hand going to pat at her head in shock or wonder. Frerin on the other hand is completely shellshocked, staring at him like he is absolutely insane.

 

  
  
“Hell boy! When was the last time you let your beast out?”

 

  
  
“A... A few months?”

 

  
  
“Alright Dis, we’re going to do this another day. I’m gunna give Fili a call and take his shift for him so he can come back here. You, Kili... You’re going for a run.” 

 

  
  
Easy as that Frerin is flipping out his phone, pressing a few buttons whilst Kili stands there with wide eyes and a small whine escaping from his throat. Dis only laughs and lays a gentle hand on him, waiting for Frerin to get a hold of her son. Finally he seems to pick up.

 

  
  
“Hello, nephew. Could you come back to the house?”

 

  
  
Kili can hear Fili’s voice clear as day even though he’s a good ten feet away. Perks of being a skinchanger.

 

  
  
“Is it Kili? Did he do something?”

 

  
  
A scowl instantly forms upon his face, low growl escaping from his parted lips. Frerin turns around and laughs at him before he replies to Fili.

 

  
  
“Not really, no. But we’ve just found out that our dear Kili hasn’t let his beast out in a few months. So we want you to come back and take him for a run. I’ll cover your shift at the garage.”

 

  
  
There’s absolute silence on the other end of the phone, one that makes Kili squirm because now everyone really is going to think he’s a freak. And he knows that he’s a freak, he knows he’s useless and that’s just something that he has grown to accept. It just wasn’t something he exactly wanted broadcasted to everyone.

 

  
  
“Alright, I should be there in about twenty minutes.”

 

  
  
“See you then, nephew.”

 

  
  
Shoving his phone back into his pocket, Frerin looks at him with a wide grin, an almost manic look in his eye.

 

  
  
“You’re going to be in for a good ole treat Kili.”

 

  
  
 He has a sinking feeling in his stomach that this whole experience was going to be a lot more than he bargained for.

 

 

**TBC**

* * *

 

Thanks again for reading!! :D <3

  
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	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright everyone, this chapter has consent issues within it! It also has panic/anxiety attacks within, along with partial flashbacks, so please be forewarned!! If these are triggers for you, then please don't read!!
> 
> Either way, feedback would definitely be appreciated on this chapter!  
> Thank you very much for coming back to read more!  
> Enjoy!

* * *

 

 

Frerin and Dis brought him back outside of the house to wait for Fili’s return. So there he sat, sitting on the railing of the deck waiting for the blond to come back and “take him for a run”. Kili was starting to feel more like a dog than a wolf at this point, that was for sure.

 

  
  
It’s no more than twenty minutes later that Fili has arrived back at the house, parking his truck before he gets out and slams the door shut. Blond hair is twisted up into a knot at the top of his head, black grease smeared across his arms and along one of his cheek bones. Kili grudgingly admits to himself that Fili looks more than just attractive covered in the dirty smudges. Not that he’d be admitting that out loud anytime soon.

 

  
  
Not a moment later Frerin is loping out from the house, catching the keys to the truck that Fili tosses to him.

 

  
  
“Alright then Fili, I’ll catch you later. Make sure Kili here stretches his legs, yeah? Boy could certainly use it.”

 

  
  
Fili doesn’t say anything to Frerin, just rolls his eyes fondly before he walks up towards Kili. He’s still sitting there on the railing, watching as Fili slowly walks up to him, blue eyes staring with a soft look. Roar of the truck breaks through the silence, Kili’s eyes shooting up to watch Frerin roll away down the dirt road.

 

  
  
“So I hear you haven’t been for a run in quite some time,” Fili murmured, moving to stand before him.

 

  
  
“I uhm.. yeah..”

 

  
  
“Come on then. Walk with me for a little bit.”

 

  
  
Fili flashes white teeth in a smile, beckoning for him to follow him. Sitting on the railing, he allows himself to watch Fili as he made his way towards the forest, hips swaying in a very inviting manner. _Don’t like him. If he finds out about you he’ll hate you._

 

  
  
“C’mon Kili!”

 

  
  
Easing himself off of the wooden structure, his feet hit the ground softly, quietly following the man before him. Kili makes sure to walk slightly behind him, eyes peering anywhere that isn’t Fili’s well muscled figure. Apparently Fili doesn’t like that, taking a moment to stop so that Kili is forced to be standing right beside him.

 

  
  
“Why haven’t you allowed yourself to change?”

 

  
  
It seemed like he was going to be in for another round of twenty questions.

 

  
  
“I try to stay in the city, and I don’t like changing in areas that I don’t really know all that well. I haven’t.. I’ve never had good experiences with pack members. They don’t like me.... So... I try my best to not change and also avoid other skinchangers.”

 

  
  
“Don’t you get lonely?”

 

  
  
And what kind of question was that supposed to be? Of course he got lonely. He was afraid and scared all the time, terrified he would be found, that someone might recognize him off of the old news reports or from missing persons. He’d gone years without having anyone. No friends, no family, no connections whatsoever, because having those connections only made it that much harder to leave.

 

  
  
“Yes. It gets very lonely.”

 

  
  
Fili nods his head at the words, a gentle hand coming to rest on his arm. He can’t help but to tense at the touch, fighting down his automatic response to shrug off the contact. Kili knows that Fili is trying to comfort him, but he hates the weight of his hand on him, hates how it reminds him of that man, the one he tries so hard not to remember.

 

  
  
“You’re safe here, Kili. Let yourself be free.”

 

  
  
Nodding his head slowly, they both begin to strip down, clothes thrown into a pile on the forest floor. Its been so long since he’s allowed himself to have the freedom to run, that he’s gone through the change because he wants to and not for some necessity. His beast awakens from deep within him, spirit rearing in quiet joy at the prospect of freedom. Gasping out a long breath, he falls to his hands and knees on the forest floor, back arching as the bones begin to twist and snap beneath his skin. Low groan parts his lips, shoulders snapping back and fur prickling up from his skin. Everything is biting fracturing pain, one that hurts so bad and feels so good all at once. His beast revels in it, howls in elation as the change finishes with the final cracks and rearrangement of muscle and bone.

 

  
  
Scents and smells hit him like a freight train, poignant aroma of animal piss hitting his nose, the sharp scent of pine and the delicious smell of all manner of earthy scents. The clearest scent of them all emanates from the golden wolf before him, his very being craving the scent of his mate. Human part of his mind tells him that he should be avoiding close contact, but he can’t help himself.

 

  
  
Playfully he lunges at Fili, forepaws pressing into his furry sides. Golden wolf instantly falls onto the ground, the two rolling around with one another playfully. Little whine of affection escapes his maw as Fili nips gently at his ear, moving to nose down at the soft fur of his belly. Thick scent of want exudes from the golden wolf, his very being reeking with animal need.

 

  
  
Fili leaps up and away from Kili, letting out a little yip before he races off further into the woods. He is up and chasing after him in mere moments, nose sniffing out the trail of his mate. Heart soaring with happiness and freedom, Kili chases Fili around for hours, the two stopping every little bit to play around with one another, chasing squirrels and running away from an angry porcupine that threatened to shoot out quills.

 

  
  
They ran through shallow brooks and muddy pits, rolled around in leaves and hunted after a small deer, tearing into its flesh and getting blood all over themselves. Fili licked gently at his blood covered muzzle, nosed his way against the fur at his neck and made a content little whine. Soon enough they were back at it again, running around wildly through the forest, back to their clothes and shoes.

 

  
  
Fili pads over to him once again, pressing up against his side and whining at him gently. His tongue lolls out of his mouth, breathing heavy after all of the running. Golden wolf nudges at him again before he lays down on his stomach, looking up at Kili. Taking the hint, then, he curls himself up next to his mate, taking in the pleasant warmth and feeling of happiness that surges through him at being so close to Fili. Yip of bliss escapes his throat, face nuzzling into fur. It’s been so long since he’s been this happy, been so long since he has given into his beast.

 

  
  
That’s how the two fall asleep, curled up against one another in their matted wolf forms, never happier.

 

 

* * *

 

 

  
When Kili awakes, he can feel that he is no longer a wolf. An arm is curled up around his waist, another lying beneath his head and coming to splay a hand across his chest. Their legs are all tangled up together, Fili the big spoon and Kili the little. Part of him is beyond terrified, scared shitless that he’s alone with Fili and anything could happen out here in the woods. Other little parts of him feel like he’s finally getting the comforting little touches that he so desperately craved.

 

  
  
Taking a deep breath, he tries to force himself to calm down, stretching a little bit only to let out a sharp gasp at what can only be a hard cock pressing against his lower back. Shaky breath catches in his lungs, slowly trying to untangle his legs from Fili. All it does is cause the blond to press up against him, wet trail of precome glazed on his skin as Fili’s cock makes a wet glide across his lower back.  

 

  
  
He can’t help the low whine that escapes his throat, heart pounding in fear and he _hates_ feeling like this, hates how he can’t breath and he can’t stop his mind from going back to _there,_ back to those horrible memories and those bruising hands on his body, the way they gripped at his arms, fingers ripping and pulling and tearing at his clothes and-

 

  
  
“Kili...”

 

  
  
His name is a soft mumble, and he’s not sure if Fili is awake or not, if he’s having a dream about him or if he’s purposely rutting up against him, making whining little noises that make Kili’s heart clench up in fear and terror.

 

  
“F-Fili..” He barely manages to gasp out the words, so completely and utterly terrified, mind running through all the terrible things that happened last time, how he’d cried and screamed and begged and he _still_ refused to stop, just laughed and laughed at him whilst he got off. And sweet fucking god he’s getting lost in his head again, getting wrapped up in flashback memories that threaten to take over his mind.

 

  
  
Fili doesn’t seem to hear the weak words, fingers clutching at his chest as he continues to rub up against his back, completely wrapped up in his dreams and unaware of the quivering mess that he is rutting against. He wants to move, wants so badly to move, but he is frozen in place, weak little whines escaping his throat because he’s _terrified_ , and it’s almost like it isn’t even happening to him, like he’s floating on the outside and just watching everything that’s taking place.

 

  
  
Kili is locked in a web of sticky fear, mind trapped and he just wants to get away but his limbs are frozen, he’s stuck in place and Fili is completely unaware, keeps making these grunting and groaning noises as his cock slides against the skin of his back, rubbing slick wet liquids all over him and Kili just wants it to stop, but he’s so completely lost and he can’t even begin to function properly, frozen and scared and oh _god_.

 

  
  
“F-Fili.. Fili!” He whimpers the words but the blond doesn’t hear him, sliding up against him with slow rolls of his hips. Loud groan permeating the air as he feels thick drops splash across his skin. _stop stop stop stop stop stop_

 

  
  
“Fili!” Finally the words screech from his throat, chocked sobs escaping his throat and he can feel the instant that Fili jerks awake and he lets out another screech of fear because Fili’s hands are pulling at him and he can’t, he _can’t_.

 

  
  
“Kili! Kili I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!”

 

  
  
But it doesn’t matter, he doesn’t care and all he can do is whimper and sob, try to push Filis hands away from him because he doesn’t want to be touched, he’s already so dirty and unclean and Fili won’t stop touching him, he just wants it to stop.

 

  
  
“Don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me!”

 

  
  
It’s an endless plead that refuses to stop trembling from his mouth, limbs shaking and he can still feel the slick trail that’s along his back, can feel the way it sticks to his skin and fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

 

  
  
“Kili I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry, it’s okay, it’s fine I won’t do anything to you I promise I’m so sorry!”

 

  
  
But Kili can’t comprehend the words, can’t understand and he can’t stop sobbing because Fili is grabbing at him again, pulling him up and making him lean against him and he fights, kicks and bites and claws because he’s not going to let this happen again, he’s not going to let anyone ever touch him like that again.

 

  
  
“Stop fucking touching me! Leave me alone! please please leave me alone!”

 

  
  
He won’t leave him alone, keeps arms wrapped tightly around his middle, whispers soothing words in his ears and he doesn’t want to listen, doesn’t want to be trapped in his arms but he slowly feels himself calming down. Heart stops beating wildly in his chest, breathing quieting down but tears are still streaking down his cheeks. Everything feels so numb and Fili just keeps whispering to him over and over again.

 

  
  
“I’m sorry Kili, I didn’t mean to scare you. The last thing I want is to frighten you and that’s what I seem to be doing anyways. I’m so sorry.”

 

  
  
Fili rocks him gently, cards hesitant fingers through his hair and nuzzles up against his hair, voice filled with an aching sadness.

 

  
  
“Is it okay if I pick you up Kili? If I bring you to one of the brooks so we can clean up a bit?”

 

  
  
Kili only nods his head yes, keeping his eyes scrunched closed in an attempt to keep away the memories that haunt him, to stop comparing Fili to that monster. Because Fili cared about him. He cared, even if he didn’t understand that he was trying to get involved with a filthy wreck, a disgusting dirty unclean piece of trash.

 

 

* * *

 

  
  
Fili must be the worst kind of person to have ever graced the planet earth. He hadn’t meant to do that to Kili, to rut up against him in his sleep, to rub his cock against him until he came. And now Kili was a sobbing mess in his arms again, begging and pleading to not be touched. Fili hates himself more than anything right now, hates himself for the tears tracking down Kili’s face, hates how he’d sprayed pearly drops across his mates back, hates how he’d done it all in his sleep and had hurt Kili so very, very badly.

 

  
  
Somehow he manages to get them to the brook, settling them both down in the water and quickly rubbing away at the dirt, blood, and come that covers Kili’s body. Fingers scrub away at the dirty skin, doing the best he can to whisper words of comfort to his mate, to say that he is sorry over and over again.

 

  
  
“I’m so sorry Kili, I never meant for this to happen. I never wanted to hurt you and now I’ve hurt you so bad.” He’s trying his hardest to fight back the sorrow that is taking over him because he knows that he has no right to shed a single tear right now. Kili was the one who had been violated, who had been put into this position and was now crying his eyes out.

 

  
  
“Fili, I wanna go back. I wanna lay down, p-please.”

 

  
  
“Okay darlin’, I’ll go back and grab our clothes and-“

 

  
  
“Please just bring me back? I don’t care if anyone sees me. I just wanna go back.”

 

  
  
“Alright, I’ll bring you straight back.”

 

  
  
By the movement of the sun, they’ve been out for quite a few hours, the sun having moved quite a bit on the horizon. Fili reaches down and picks Kili up, cradles him in his arms and holds him close to his chest. He feels like a monster for doing this to Kili, and he knows without a doubt that something terrible had happened to the brunet, sexual assault or.. or... he can’t bring himself to think of anything worse, not right now. So he continues to hold Kili, walks quickly to the house and goes to the door that leads right into the addition, not wanting to subject Kili to the entire pack.

 

  
  
It only takes him a few minutes to maneuver Kili into the room, laying him down onto the bed and beneath the sheets. It’s turning into a familiar scenario, one that Fili truly despises. He watches as Kili curls up into a ball beneath the blankets, looking up at Fili with sad big brown eyes.

 

  
  
“M’sorry Fili.”

 

  
  
“No. Don’t you apologize to me Kili, just don’t. You didn’t do anything wrong, I did. I’m the one who hurt you and.. and touched you when you didn’t want to be. Don’t say sorry.”

 

  
  
“But it’s.. It’s not even a big deal, I just.. I get so lost in my head and it just.. caught me by surprise and I freaked out and-“

 

  
  
“Kili.... you were scared, and uncomfortable, and I did that against your will. It’s not alright.”

 

  
  
Kili just keeps looking at him, little frown on his face and he looks so sad and confused.

 

  
  
“I was scared and uncomfortable but you were asleep and... and you didn’t do it on purpose. N-not like h-he did.”

 

  
  
Blue eyes focus in on Kili’s face, taking in the way the brunet pales and how his mouth opens in a gasp, fingers clutching at the blanket and brown eyes scrunching shut. Little whimpers escape from his lips and it’s obvious to Fili that his mate hadn’t meant to let that slip.

 

  
  
“Will you.. will you tell me what happened Kili?”

 

  
  
“No! Don’t ask me, please don’t ask me!”

 

  
  
Kili shrieks the words, tugs the blankets over his head, refusing to come out from underneath and say anything else to him. He sits there for at least twenty minutes, waits until Kili’s breathing evens out signaling that the brunet has fallen asleep. Only then does Fili throw on a pair of boxers and some shorts, darting out of the room to seek the guidance of his mother.

  


* * *

 

 

  
By the time he finds Dis he’s barely holding back his anger and sorrow, refusing to look weak in front of any of his pack. In front of his mom though.. in front of her he would shed his tears, would tell her his fears and sorrows because he didn’t know how to help Kili.

 

  
  
“Fili?”

 

  
  
“I.. Can you come with me? I need to talk to you in private..”

 

  
  
She is sitting in the living room with Nurna, Bifur, and Nori, a book resting in her hands as the others watched some show on the television.

 

  
  
“Of course. To the garden then? I was about to head out there after this chapter to work on it anyways.”

 

  
  
Fili only nods his head, not bothering to wait and heading straight out towards the garden that his mother spoke of. There were all manner of vegetables that she was growing there, from cucumbers, tomatoes, lettuce and carrots. It was a variety of different foods and they were all plants that she diligently took care of. He’s standing before the fenced in area when her hand comes to rest on his shoulder, a soothing gesture that he allows himself to lean into for only a moment.

 

  
  
“What’s wrong Fili? Where’s Kili?”

 

  
  
“He’s laying down.. I.. something terrible happened to him mom... something.. something horrible...”

 

  
  
“Tell me what happened,” she murmured, eyes wide with sad curiousity. 

 

  
  
She gets down onto her knees and sits back on her feet, pulling away at weeds that circle around the different plants. Patting at the spot beside her, Fili gets down and starts to do the same, fingers tugging at the weeds and shaking out the clumps of dirt that are attached.

 

  
  
“We went on a run, and it was great. It was wonderful, and he had so much fun mom, he really, really did. We took a nap afterwards and I.. my beast may or may not have been having more uhm.. intimate dreams of me and Kili, and... I.. He freaked out. He completely freaked out and he was so scared mom, he was absolutely terrified, and I feel like a monster.”

 

  
  
Dis immediately wraps her arms around her son, pulling him into a much needed hug.

 

  
  
“You didn’t do it on purpose Fili, it’s a natural reaction to being around your mate. I’m sure that he knows that.”

 

  
  
“It doesn’t change anything! He was so scared, begging me not to touch him, and he.. someone else touched him. I don’t know who, or how, or when, but someone.... I... I think he was raped... and.. and _christ_.”

 

  
  
He lets a few tears slip out from the corners of his eyes, only allowing himself this short amount of time to have any weakness. But he aches for Kili, aches for his mate and his beast wants nothing more than to go out and find whoever had done this to him, to tear them apart and make them suffer for what they had done to Kili. Dis herself lets out a little gasp, hand going to cover her mouth as she stares down at the plants, trying to think of something to say to take away the pain.

 

  
  
“You just have to take care of him Fili. The two of you are mates, and you’ll work through it. He’ll open up to you at some point, and then he can try to heal. You just need to be patient with him.”

 

  
  
“What if I scare him again? Or make him have flashbacks? I don’t ever want to do that to him again, I don’t want to be the reason why he gets that terrified look on his face.”

 

  
  
Dis sighs softly, gently running her fingers through the long locks of her sons hair. It had been quite some time since she had comforted her son like this, quite some time since he’d allowed himself to show any kind of weakness. And now it was all for a man that was barely more than a pup, one with a strong beast, but still one who was broken and scared. It was for his mate, his poor mate who had been through something terrible.

 

  
  
“I promise Fili, you’ll work through it. It will take time, and like I said before, patience. The pack will be here as well, and we’ll do whatever it is that you need us to.”

 

  
  
Fili breathes in the comforting smell of his mother, nuzzles into her hair like he’s a pup again. It’s only for a few minutes though, only long enough for him to find his center again and then he pulls away. Dis gives him a sad little smile before she plants a kiss on his cheek, fingers untangling from his hair.

 

  
  
“Should I try to.. to broach the subject with him or.. I don’t know what  to do.”

 

  
  
“Don’t press him. Just.. be there for him. Let him know that you are there if he needs to talk, that you’ll stand by his side.”

 

  
  
Fili nods his head gently, looking down at his hands and brushing the dirt off of them. He’s still unsure, still afraid that he’ll end up hurting Kili again and that it’ll all go to hell, but he has to do this. Kili is his mate, and he’ll do anything to make sure that his brunet feels happy and safe. Anything.

 

  
  
“Thank you, mom.”

 

  
  
“Of course. Let me know if I can be of anymore help, alright?”

 

  
  
“I will... I’m gunna go check on him though.”

 

  
  
Taking in a deep breath, he stands up and heads back towards the house, making a beeline for the addition and ignoring whatever it is that Balin shouts out to him from an open window. Whatever it was, Dwalin could deal with it once he got back, or Frerin for that matter. For now he needed to comfort his mate.

 

  
  
When he enters through the door, he can tell that something is wrong. Slowly, he walks into the bedroom, heart lurching when he sees that Kili is no longer beneath the sheets. He notices that the bathroom door is shut, the light on underneath and the sound of water spraying within the shower. Fili makes sure to knock on the door before he enters the room, blast of misty heat escaping from the opening.

 

  
  
“Kili?”

 

  
  
Hitched sobs come out from the closed sliding glass, the insides completely misted and he can’t see anything at all. Fili slowly shuts the door behind him, hands pressing against the glass partition and sliding it gently to the side. A swirling mist of heat rushes out, almost choking Fili with the hot moisture.

 

  
  
“Kili?”

 

  
  
He says his mates name more quietly now, peering in to see that Kili is curled up on the white shower floor, knees bent up towards his chest, arms circling them and head pressed down. Harsh spray of water pounds down onto his back, brown hair slicked down into a tangled mess. Shoulders shake with pained sobs, nails digging so hard into the skin that he can see pink little swirls of water running down Kili’s skin. It only takes him a moment to decide to get in, a wince passing across his face as he feels the water burn his skin, the heat almost unbearable. He ignores it, sits down behind Kili and sits cross legged, about to place a hand on his mates back before he makes himself stop.

 

  
  
“Kili....? Is it.. Is it okay if I touch you?”

 

  
  
Fili doesn’t get a response, only continued sounds of harsh sobs and thick spray of water pounding against skin and the walls of the shower. He waits another moment before he places his hand hesitantly upon Kili’s shoulder, waiting to see if the brunet would get upset at the touch. If anything he seems to lean into it, the blade of his shoulder pushing out to meet the soft motions of his fingers.

 

  
  
It doesn’t take long for Fili to ease his way behind Kili, one leg to either side of the brunet, stomach pressed up behind the curve of Kili’s back, one of his hands circling around the brunets waist and the other rubbing gently up and down his arm. Neither says a single word, Fili’s body blanketing Kili’s and taking in the stinging warmth of the water, keeping his mate as safe as he possibly can.

 

  
  
After a few minutes, Fili begins to speak softly to Kili, trying to calm the harsh sobs and to just try and take away Kili’s pain. All he wants is for his mate to feel safe, to feel like he belongs. If it’s the last thing that Fili does, he will make it so that Kili feels that he doesn’t have to be afraid here.

 

  
  
“I’m so sorry about the woods Kili. What I did was inexcusable and.. I.. I know you don’t want to talk about what happened to you but.. but I’m here. If you do or don’t want to talk, I’m here for you, and I’m not going to go anywhere. I promise. The both of us.. we’ll figure this out, okay?”

 

  
  
They both sit within the spray of the water until all heat leaves and there is only icy cold droplets pounding against their skin. Both shiver as the heat is leached out of their bodies, limbs shivering and shaking. Fili won’t leave until Kili does, won’t stop subjecting himself to the cold until his mate decides that he no longer wants to sit within the water.

 

  
  
It takes a little bit, but finally Kili moves a bit in his arms, head lifting up to turn and look at him. Kili’s eyes are rimmed red and puffy, the whites bloodshot and he looks so tired and sad. Fili doesn’t have to wait for him to talk, he just knows from that one look that it is time to get out. So he backs away slowly from his mate, eases his way up and shuts off the water until they are left with a silence that is only interrupted by the quiet drip of excess water.

 

  
  
Sliding the glass doors back, he steps out of the tub and grabs a towel, heaving Kili up and then encircling him with the towel and his arms. They both manage to dry themselves off, Kili allowing him to towel his hair a bit before he handed the brunet his hairbrush. Once they both head out into the bedroom again, Kili goes to sit on the bed and brush out his hair, Fili heading towards the closet and dresser to pull out some clothes for the both of them. By the time they are both dressed with hair brushed, the sky is glowing with oranges, yellows, and pinks, the sun sinking slowly behind the trees.

 

  
  
“Do you want to get dinner Kili? Or we can eat out here, whichever you prefer..”

 

  
  
After so long without talking, it feels odd to break the silence, to hear his voice outside of his head. Kili peers at him for a short moment, eyes calm but full of wary sadness. The brunets answer comes in the form of him standing up, walking slowly towards Fili before he stops and waits for him to lead the way.

 

  
  
As soon as they enter the house, he can hear the roaring laughter of Dwalin and a happy tune being sung by Bofur. Others have joined in to the singing, and it makes him happy to know that the pack could at least manage a day without him. He’s not sure if it’s the fact that Kili is so emotionally drained or if he’s just getting used to the noise, but the little brunet beside him doesn’t seem to tense up or become frightened, just walks along beside Fili like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

 

  
  
When the two enter the large kitchen, they are met with a plethora of welcomes and hellos, Kili managing a weak little smile and a quiet hello. Thankfully no one says anything about his swollen eyes. Dis immediately sits the two of them down, bringing the both of them plates of food and glasses of water as Fili listens to Dwalin report to him about other nearby wolf packs movements. Kili just sits next to him and eats his food slowly, shoulder brushing against his own every once in a while. Accidental or not, the little touches make him feel like maybe he’s doing something right.

 

  
  
As soon as Dwalin is done Dori is up and complaining about how messy the house was and how no one was keeping up with chores. Risna chimed in in agreement and Gimli grumbled away as his mother admonished him for refusing to eat his peas. It’s one thing after another, Bifur not wanting to take the first half of night patrol again and Nori refusing to switch with him. Then it’s his mom talking about gutting out the barn again, Balin going over how much money it will cost and-

 

  
  
Warm face nuzzles up against his shoulder, head resting gently against the curve. With wide blue eyes, he turns slightly to see that Kili has promptly cuddled up against him and fallen asleep, long lashes casting shadows across his skin. His own nose automatically nestles into Kili’s hair, breathing in his scent and enjoying the feel of silky hair against his skin. Half the table stops talking while the other half just chuckles, quite a few of the pack giving him knowing little looks. He’d let out quite the angry snarl if he weren’t afraid to wake up his sleeping mate.

 

  
  
Instead he ignores their knowing looks and little smiles, continuing his conversation whilst he allows a warm bloom of happiness to fill his heart.

 

 

**TBC**

* * *

Thank you for reading everyone! You can leave me some feedback on here, or if you'd like to send me a message at letterstoshakespear.tumblr.com, that would be fine as well! :)

Have a lovely day everyone!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is VERY graphic!! This chapter contains rape and panic attacks!! If these are triggers for you, then please, please do not read!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, this chapter was really hard to write so it's a bit shorter than usual.  
> Feedback would be appreciated, but if not, then that is totally fine.  
> It's a very emotional chapter, and as mentioned before, it is graphic.  
> Thank you for coming back to read everyone!

* * *

 

 

He’d been let out of work late again, missing the transit bus that would take him back to the complex he lived in with his mom. It was either wait outside in the freezing cold for twenty five minutes until the next bust came, or start walking home. Kili had known perfectly well that he would have to go through a bad part of the city. He knew what kinds of things went on in that part of the city, but he still decided to walk anyways, decided that he’d be fine, nothing would happen.

 

  
  
So he wound his scarf around his neck, pulled has hat down low to cover his ears, and began the long trudge back home. He thought about putting in his head phones to maybe listen to some music but decided against it. He’d rather be able to hear what was going on, especially considering that city drivers weren’t known for being very good, that was for damn sure. He'd much rather know if he needed to get out of someones way.

 

  
  
It’s about ten minutes into his walk that Kili begins to feel the odd tingling sensation in his skin, hair raising up on the back of his neck. All he can hear is the sound of his breathing, each puff creating white clouds of heat, the crunch of his boots in the thin layer of snow. Ears straining, he tries to listen for the sound of someone following behind him. Maybe that would explain the crawling feeling of discomfort flowing across his skin, the one that told him that he was being watched.

 

  
  
But there were no sounds, and when Kili turns around, there is nothing to see, only  a few people walking down the other side of the street and a stray dog lurking around in an alleyway. Adams apple bobbing, he swallows hard as he continues on, pace picking up just that little bit as an edge of fear bites at his resolve. Maybe he should’ve just waited for another bus...

 

  
  
It’s to late now, and he is adamant to continue on and ignore the anxious feelings that have risen up. Kili keeps telling himself that there is nothing to worry about, that he’s just imagining things and no one is following him down the cold streets. If he wants to get home quicker, he could take a shortcut through the park... but that was where the drug dealers hung out after hours, along with all other kinds of unmentionables. Another shortcut would be to cut through a few different alleyways so he didn’t have to walk around entire blocks...

 

  
  
Making up his mind, Kili decides to go with his second choice, fingers plunging into the depths of his coat pockets and his shoulders hunching forwards. It’s more than a bit surprising to him that the street he turns down next is completely deserted. No passing cars, pedestrians, or animals to be seen, Just the occasional falling flake of snow.

 

  
  
He should have known then that he should turn around. He should have known better than to walk all by himself that late at night, especially after all of his mothers warnings. But he didn’t listen because he was sixteen years old. And just like every other sixteen year old, he thought that nothing bad could ever happen to him, just like any other innocent. Kili thought that terrible things only happened to others, never to someone like him. He’d been so naive.

 

  
  
Eyes downcast and feet shuffling along, he turned quickly down an alleyway, feelings of being watched only increasing by the moment. He wanted to run, to break out in a sprint and get away, but that would only bring even more attention to him.. wouldn’t it? Fingers clutch at the fabric of his pockets, teeth gnawing gently at the swell of his bottom lip.

 

  
  
Sound of smashing glass causes his breath to hitch, heart stuttering in his chest and he instantly pitches forward into a run, not bothering to look back because he’s truly afraid now, imagination creating a thousand different scenarios of all the terrible things that could happen within deserted alleyways. Kili is waiting for someone to run up on him and tackle him to the ground, for a knife to be pressed at his throat or for hands to grab at his clothes.

 

  
  
Heart pounding, breath coming in hard pants, he races out of the alleyway with a relieved gasp, allowing himself to stop beneath a streetlight, turning around only to see that he is completely alone. There is no one around him, yet the goosebumps are only growing along his skin, the sense of fear still slowly building and a nagging feeling pulling at his insides. Brown eyes dart around but there is still no one in sight, not a single person following or chasing him. He’s alone.

 

  
  
Tongue flicks out to lick along his lips arms wrapping around his chest and he’s off again, no longer wanting to be outside in the cold, no longer wanting to feel the aching fear in his very bones. He just wants to go home, to warm up and be somewhere that he knows he’ll be safe.

 

  
  
“What’s a pretty little thing like you doing outside so late, hm?”

 

  
  
Sharp yelp of fear, escapes his throat as hands grab onto his shoulders, feet stopping in his tracks and heart frozen in terror. Warm breath ghosts along his chin, a hand moving to wrest upon the side of his arm. Words are caught in his throat, whine of fear working out from his throat.

 

  
  
“You look cold, pup. Want me to warm you up?”

 

  
  
Fingers dig sharply into his skin, body being manhandled back towards the alleyway. Adrenaline decides there and then to kick in, body trying to squirm and twist away from the stranger that holds onto him so tightly, fists reaching back to slam against a lean and muscled body. Loud grunt reaches his ears, hands slipping down to grab him just below his elbows, ripping him backwards into the dark.

 

  
  
“Let me go!” The words tear from his throat, hands twisting and pulling him until he is slammed against the brick wall, sharp prickles of pain lancing through his skull and back. Kili’s heart pounds, each pulsation ringing through his ears, gasps of fear escaping his mouth and he's kicking out at the man before him, foot catching him in the knee and then the groin.

 

  
  
Growl of pain escapes the man before him and Kili takes the moment to tear himself away and run towards the opening of the alleyway, sick pulsing waves of fear tearing through him and he’s so close, so close, but he slips on the snow covered ground, knees smacking against the pavement and the fabric of his pants tearing. Scrabbling to get back up, he tries to crawl forward, sob wracking through his chest as hands wrap around his ankles. Hands scrabble at the ground as he is dragged back into the dark, palms stinging and nails cracking and bleeding as he tries desperately to get away.

 

  
  
“Thought you’d get away that easily you little bitch!?”

 

  
  
The words are a loud snarl and he’s trying so hard to twist his way out of the grasp, to kick and struggle and his hat has fallen off now, hair falling and tangling into his face. Tears are starting to stream down his cheeks and this cannot possibly be real, it can’t really be happening, but he feels fingers curling into the tresses of his hair, yanking his head back and he can’t help the shout that escapes his mouth at the stinging pain. There’s a knee pressing down into the center of his back, body arching back painfully as warm breath ghosts against the side of his face. Grating voice breathes into his ear, a harsh growl that makes his skin tingle.

 

  
  
“That wasn’t a very nice thing to do, pup. Kicking a man right there... Now I’m really going to have to teach you a lesson, aren’t I?”

 

  
  
Harsh breathes are being pulled out of his chest, lungs tightening up and he can’t function, can’t even think and sobs or wracking through his body, tears streaming down and he doesn’t even realize that he’s begging, pleading for this stranger to let him go.

 

  
  
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Please let me go! please! I- just please let me go!”

 

  
  
Guttural laugh is the only response he gets, hand forcing his face to smash against the hard ground, cheek being scraped into the crumbling cement until he can taste the blood that is being smeared on his face. Kili’s throat is constricting, each breath pulled into his lungs causing a horrible whine to scratch out. Fingers try to scrabble at the ground again, knees digging into the pavement and he’s trying so hard, knee grinding into him until he’s screaming in pain.

 

  
  
“Let me go! let me go, please!”

 

  
  
Words pour out with a harsh wail, his captor manhandling him so that he’s on his back, scarf being torn off of his neck, body straddled and he’s trying so hard but oxygen refuses to flow to his brain, wrists pinned above his head as the man twists the scarf into tight knots, the skin bunching and aching in burning pain. The hat that lays forgotten on the ground is picked up by the man, fabric being shoved into his mouth so that his cries and sobs are muffled by the wool.

 

  
  
Eyes scrunch shut as fingers tear open the buttons of his jacket, fabric of his shirt being pulled up roughly as fingers slide across the warm skin of his abdomen. Shivers wrack through his body, whimper working past the fabric as fingers pinch and pull at his nipples, sensitive skin being violently twisted until he is screaming. Burning ache spreads up his chest, jolting stings radiating through the peaks with every pinch and pull.

 

  
  
“Don’t you worry beautiful. I’m gunna give you a real good reason to be crying and screaming soon enough.”

 

  
  
Kili tries desperately to twist out of the mans grasp, legs thrashing and it all comes to a stop once a fist connects with the side of his face, black spots bursting through his vision. Heavy body lifts off of him, the man manipulating him like a rag doll and rolling him back onto his stomach. Kili feels completely and utterly out of his mind, head pulsing and eyes unable to focus on anything. Tears leak steadily out of his eyes and he can feel hands working beneath his body, tugging his belt open and moving to work at the button and zipper of his jeans.

 

  
  
Harsh sobs devour his body, tongue trying desperately to push the hat out of his mouth as he feels the material of his jeans being pushed down his thighs. His fingers and hands are completely numb now, body shaking and he can’t even move, can barely breathe and can’t stop the swirling vertigo inside of his skull.

 

  
  
Entire world freezes as a hand ghosts around his hip, fingers teasing beneath the waistband of his boxers, rushing down the rest of the way to fondle his shriveled cock. Strangled sobs pour forth from his throat, violation and disgust splintering through him, and fuck he can’t think, can’t breathe and he’s helpless and useless and fingers are tightening and tugging to hard, roughly squeezing the sensitive skin, nails scratching hot lines along his hips.

 

  
  
Boxers are pulled down after a few minutes of fondling, every fiber of his being snapping into a frozen state of distress as his world crashes down from the single metal sound of a zipper being undone. Sharp wails tear through him as an arm wraps around his waist, dragging him across the ground and pulling his ass up higher into the air. Kili can’t stop the hyperventilating sobs, can’t stop the thick tears that pour down as he feels a cock being pressed between his cheeks, blunt tip circling and rubbing liquids over the rosebud muscle.

 

  
  
All he gets is a single labored breath before white hot pain bursts through his entire being, ragged screams tearing through his throat as the thick length is forced inside of him, loud moan emitting from the man behind him. He doesn’t get any time to become used to the feeling, pulsing ache spreading up his tailbone as sharp thrusts stab into him, lungs aching as he screams and screams at the blazing pain. Entire vision is a white out, hearing overwhelmed by the sounds of skin slapping on skin, the grunted moans of the man who so viciously penetrates him. He can't stop the sobs that cause his vision to dance with black spots, not enough oxygen being pulled into his lungs.

 

  
  
Kili can’t help the hisses of pain as he feels the stinging burning stretch, feels the way his body screams against the intrusion and the slick slide of blood that lubricates the way. He can’t think or breathe, can’t begin to rationalize what is happening to him, can’t do anything but sob and  _scream_ in agony because everything is a burning biting pain that threatens to steel through his entire being and take over his mind.

 

  
  
It goes on and on and on, sharp thrusts ending with a long moan and a hot spray of liquids inside of him. Body shakes in shock and pain, slick member sliding out of him with a flood of semen and blood that dribbles out between his legs. Body jolts as a harsh slap lands across his ass, an arm moving around his middle and pulling him up so that he is forced to sit back against the man, harsh sobs pushing out as his lower body lights up in agony.

 

  
  
Hand roughly pulls at his hair to tilt his head to the right, neck bared to the man who is behind him. Howling in pain, he twists and whimpers as teeth bite down on the skin, tearing into the flesh to cause thick pulses of blood to leak out, the dark liquid staining the snow and his clothes. Everything is a white haze as he is tossed like a piece of trash to the ground, the man tearing the binds away from his wrists, pulls the hat out of his aching mouth.

 

  
  
Fingers of pain press and poke all along his body, his most intimate areas raw and bleeding, rolling waves of agony cresting and drowning him, and those hands are reaching down for him again, reaching down to touch him and he can’t breath, he just wants to die, oh god just let him die, please.

 

  


* * *

 

  
  
Fili is awoken by the sound of quiet whimpers, groggy eyes opening to search for the switch to the lamp on the side table. Harsh breathing escapes from his mate, whimpers growing into full out sobs that shake Kili’s entire body, small frame curling up into itself. Fumbling fingers finally find the switch, flicking it on as he scrunches his eyes up to look at Kili, to pull back the blankets and card a hand through sweaty hair.

 

  
  
“Kili?”

 

  
  
The brunet doesn’t hear him, body quivering and cowering within the bed, fingers pressing hard into the skin of his arms and there are tears leaking out of the corners of his eyes. Whimpers escape from bloodied lips, and Fili can’t handle seeing Kili look like this, so fragile and terrified from nightmares.

 

  
  
“Kili, you have to wake up hunny,” He whispers the words, gently rubs at his shoulders and Kili is keening, head thrashing as the sobs pick back up again, desperate cries tearing through the silent room. Fili is panicking now, doesn’t know how to get Kili to stop, so he wraps his arm around the brunets middle, hauls him up in the bed and before he knows it his arms are full of a wild and thrashing brunet.

 

  
  
“NO! Let me go let me go let me go!!!!!! NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!”

 

  
  
Fili takes a rough elbow to the lip, skin splitting and dripping blood down his chin. He grits his teeth, wraps his arms around Kili and fights to be heard over his mates screams of fear.

 

  
  
“It was just a nightmare Kili! It was a nightmare, It’s Fili! You have to calm down!”

 

  
  
 Kili quivers and sobs, tosses and flails and kicks out wildly, legs twisting in the sheets and he sobs even louder at his inability to move. Fili lets go of the flailing brunet and shoves the blankets off of the bed, freeing Kili who instantly tumbles off of the bed with a crash. He immediately shoots over to the other side of the bed, heart aching at the sight of the brunet pressed up against the side table, cowering in the corner as he looked upon Fili.

 

  
  
The blond sits down before Kili with his legs crossed, hands lying on his knees as he tries to talk Kili through his attack.

 

  
  
“It’s just me Kili. It’s Fili. We’re in my room, and you’re fine. No one else is here. Just me and you.”

 

  
  
Kili just looks at him with wide brown eyes, tears pouring out as hitched sobs work their way out of his chest. All he wants is to hold him but he won’t do so until Kili allows him to.

 

  
  
“It’s alright Kili. You just had a nightmare. A really terrible nightmare, and now it’s fine, because you’re here with me and nothing is going to hurt you. I promise you Kili, I won’t let anything bad happen to you. You’re safe with me.”

 

  
  
He watches his mate cower in the corner, watches the way that his body shakes and his breathes come in quick little gasps. Tears continue to drip from brown eyes, and it takes all of his willpower not to reach out and wrap Kili up in a hug.

 

  
  
“I know it’s hard darlin, I do, but you have to try and just focus on my voice, okay? Just listen to my voice and try to pull yourself out of the past. Because that’s what it is. It’s the past, and I’m right here. I’ll never let anyone hurt you, and I will _always_ take care of you as long as you want me to. So just.. just breathe with me. Just in and out, nice and slow.”

 

  
  
Slowly but surely, the talking works. Kili seems to focus in on his desperate ramble, tries to match his own hitching breaths to the long ones that Fili takes in and out. He watches as his mate slowly calms down, sees the tears still falling and his body still quivering, but he’s not fighting to breathe anymore. Kili looks wrecked, but he’s back in the present and has managed to escape the nightmares of his past.

 

  
  
“Do you want to take a shower Kili? Or go back to bed?”

 

  
  
“I.... C-can... Can you j-just hold me? please?”

 

  
  
Fili’s heart just about breaks at the stuttered words, little bits of the organ breaking off and catching in the tissues of his throat. Each breath hurts and he slowly crawls up to his whimpering mate, pulls him into his arms and nuzzles up into his neck. Hands move to rub gently at Kili’s sweat soaked back, fingers trailing softly up and down his spine.

 

  
  
“I’m right here Kili. I’m here for you.”

 

  
  
Ever so slowly, Kili moves to curl up into his lap, arms wrapping loosely around to his back and his face nuzzling into his chest. Fili wants nothing more than to wipe away all of Kili’s sorrow, to know what happened so that he can make it better. As much as he wants to press for answers, he can’t bring himself to do it. He can’t force the whimpering mess in his arms to tell a tale that had horrifying effects on the brunet.

 

  
  
“Fee?”

 

  
  
“Yeah Kili?”

 

  
  
It takes a few moments for Kili to say anything else, nose rubbing back and forth across the skin of his chest. Patiently he waits, unwilling to pressure his mate into saying anything.

 

  
  
“You won’t... If... If I ever tell you t-to... to stop.. to stop doing something... you.. you will, right?” The question ends with a hitched sob, Fili’s insides bleeding in agony at the words.

 

  
  
“I’ll always stop. No matter what it is, even if it’s a hug, or a hand on your shoulder, I will always stop if you tell me to. I promise Kili, promise on our bond that I won’t ever hurt you like that.”

 

  
  
  
Kili doesn’t say anything else for awhile, just lays pressed up against Fili and allows him to card fingers through his brown hair. It’s probably an hour later that Kili finally manages to fully calm down, breath no longer hitching and tears finally coming to a stop. Fili waits patiently for his mate to say something.

 

  
  
“Fili... just.. thank you. For not pushing me.. I just.. It’s.. It’s really hard, and I’ve never had anyone whose cared about me. Not like this.”

 

  
  
“I will always care about you Kili. That’s something that you never have to worry about.”

 

  
  
“I’ll try my hardest.. to.. to tell you what happened. Not.. not now but, at some point. I just.. I’ve never told anyone about it.”

 

  
  
“As long as it takes Kili. Whenever you’re ready, I’m here.”

 

  
  
Kili only nods his head against him, warm breath puffing out against his skin. Fili takes it as his cue to lift the brunet up back onto the bed, retrieving the sheets from the floor and pulling them back over Kili. Fili slips under the sheets after, curling up behind Kili and wrapping a gentle arm around his waist. Soft kiss to the back of Kili’s neck, and then he waits for his mate to fall asleep.

 

  
  
Fili himself does not sleep for the rest of the night, mind to busy running through the tragedies of his mates past.

 

 

**TBC**

* * *

 

As I said, very emotional chapter. I may or may not have shed a few tears writing it. Thank you for powering through and reading it though! It's really important for Kili's character, and just yeah.. Thank you for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry its taken me so long to update my fics! I'll do my best to write up the next chapter of Sidhe soon, pinky promise! :) This chapter is also longer than usual to make up for my lack of updates! It's another angsty one, so be forewarned! Don't be afraid to leave comments or feedback!
> 
> Happy reading and I hope you all enjoy! <3

* * *

 

 

When the two wake up the next morning, Kili is a tired wreck. He’d spent most of the night tossing and turning, whimpering in Fili’s arms and trying not to think about the past. Everything felt raw and open, the edges of his soul torn open and bleeding. He knows that the dream had happened because of the goings on in the woods the day before. Kili refuses to let Fili know that, refuses to make the blond feel guilty when he was obviously trying so hard to make him feel safe and comfortable.

 

  
  
Yet no matter how hard he tries, Kili’s memories keep bubbling up before him, swirling around in his mind with fluid ease. He can almost feel those rough hands against his skin, leaving bruises and drawing blood. Once it starts flowing it turns into a roaring river of thoughts and emotions, mind flipping through how he’d been kicked out of his home by his mother, how he’d lived on the streets for seven months, getting more and more desperate with each passing day. So desperate that he’d finally started selling himself, giving his body away to strange men who were to rough, who made him feel like shit. It felt like being raped over and over again, but at least he got some money for it. At least he managed to survive.

 

  
  
Now he felt filthy and used up, skin stretched so tight across his frame that he was ready to split open and crack from the force of his broken heart. He’s unclean, a dirty fucked up wreck and every time Fili touches him, he can’t help but to think that he is staining and ruining the blond with his dirty past. Kili knows that he’s worthless, knows that he has nothing to offer. He doesn’t want Fili to be stuck with him, doesn’t want the beautiful Alpha to be bound to him when he is so dark and twisted. _I have nothing to offer him. Nothing good, anyway._

 

  
  
So here he is sitting on the bed, eyes circled black from lack of sleep, whites are bloodshot and every slow blink of his eyes leaves them feeling aching. Fili pats softly through his hair, whispering soft words of comfort but he can barely hear them, let alone comprehend them. All he knows is that he can’t be here because he will single handedly destroy this beautifully loving pack. _I need to get out of here. I need to leave._

 

  
  
“You’re not going anywhere, Kili.”

 

  
  
He must have spoken the words aloud, Fili’s arms circling tightly around his waist.

 

  
  
“Will you.. will you talk to me Kee? Tell me what’s on your mind?” Fili’s words are soft but probing, and Kili knows that he should tell him what’s going on in his head, should explain to Fili what a mess he is. But what if Fili hated him for it? What if he decided that he was nothing more than a filthy slut? That’s what the other packs had called him, refusing to let him join with them. It was bad enough that he wasn’t born a wolf, but he had also put his body up for sale to make some money. And then the drugs... just fuck.

 

  
  
“You’ll hate me so much. Hate me just like everyone else.”

 

  
  
“Kili, I will never hate you, I promise. You’re my mate and I just want you to be okay. That’s all I want.”

 

  
  
“You don’t even know what you’re asking! You- you’ll hate me so much and I don’t want you to hate me!”

 

  
  
Fili doesn’t say anything, just tightens his arms around his waist and he doesn’t like it, doesn’t want to be touched anymore. Hes had enough of touching and Fili shouldn’t be holding a filthy thing like him, never ever him. So he shoves the arms away from him, scoots as far away as he can get on the bed and just sits there, tries to sort through his winding thoughts but it’s all a tangled mess of string that he can’t work through. It’s to much.

 

  
  
“Kili, I can’t.. I could never hate you. Even if I wanted to hate you, I wouldn’t be able to do it. I just.. I want to help you, I want you to feel safe here. With me. And I know that you’re scared to tell me anything, I know that, I do. But.. the only way you’re going to be able to feel good is if you let it go. You can’t bottle up your hurt like this Kili it’s not healthy.”

 

  
  
“And what the hell would you even know about it?!” frustration feeds off of his conflicted emotions, anger and hurt forming into a ball of rage that threatens to spill over and eat him alive. All of it is focused on Fili. The blond just looks at him with wide blue eyes, lines of pain creasing around the corners.

 

  
  
“I wouldn’t... I wouldn’t know anything about your situation, I-“

 

  
  
“My _situation_! You don’t even know what my fucking situation is! You don’t know anything!”

 

  
  
“Christ Kili, I know that! I don’t know a fucking thing about you and I wish like hell that I did! I want to understand you and I want to help you but I can’t! And I don’t want to push you to talk to me but I don’t know how to help!”

 

  
  
Fili growls at him in frustration, throwing his hands up in the air before he stands up and begins to angrily pull clothes out of his drawers.

 

  
  
“How am I supposed to tell you how fucked up I am!? How am I supposed to tell you that I’m dirty and filthy and unclean!? That my mom kicked me out because I was _raped_ and was turned into a _monster_!? That I lived on the streets and I had to.. I had to sell myself so I could eat!  I’ve had so many people _inside_ of me, touching me and I’m disgusting and I don’t want you to touch me because you’re wonderful and I’m not! You’re beautiful and shiny and bright and I’m used up, dirty and broken!”

 

  
  
Kili is being consumed by waves of hysteria, tears coursing down his cheeks once again as he shouts at Fili. He doesn’t know what else to do, just lets the words tumble out in waves because everything is a raging mess that spills out. Every ounce of control is gone and all he can do is give himself over to the words that refuse to stop. Deep down he knows that he doesn’t want to share any of this, that he doesn’t want to tell Fili about his past but it’s all to late now.

 

  
  
So he sits on the bed sobbing, watching the way Fili’s muscles tense up, shoulders and back rippling and he can only imagine how disgusted Fili will be, because there is no way that the blond could still care about him. Not after everything he has to say, all of the things that he still needs to say. But when Fili turns around, his eyes are wide with pain and disbelief, lips pulled into a frown and skin pale. He doesn’t let Fili get a word in, doesn’t let him speak, just continues on with his own babbling, fingers digging into the skin of his arms as he sobs and speaks.

 

  
  
“Don’t you see how useless I am?! Everything that I’m near, that I touch, turns to shit! And that night that you found me in that alleyway? I’d gone back to selling myself because I’d been kicked out of my apartment, and I was hungry, and I’d been at it for two weeks and Bert and William had been regulars of mine, and they saw me. But I didn’t want to put out because I was exhausted, so they decided to beat the shit out of me, decided that if I wouldn’t take their money they’d fuck me anyways. Lovely, right? No matter where I go there’s always someone who wants to rape me.”

 

  
  
Kili knows that it’s sick dark humor, knows that he’s disgusting but he can’t help but laugh because everything hurts, it’s all raw and broken up to bits. And Fili has this look on his face, one full of horror and pain and blue eyes are shiny with tears but Kili doesn’t know if it’s for him or if it’s because Fili has found himself in this situation. His lungs are trying to drag in breaths but he can’t do it because he can’t stop crying, can’t stop the words from vomiting out of his mouth.

 

  
  
“No matter where I go, everyone just wants me for my fucking body. They don’t want me at all, they don’t care about me, all they want is a nice hole to stick their cock into!”

 

  
  
“Kili, no, that isn’t true, it’s not!”

 

  
  
And he hates the way that Fili is looking at him right now, like he’s a broken mess because he is trying to be strong, has been trying for so long and he knows he’s a hypocrite because he is a broken mess. Fili is just looking at him in the way that he sees him. But he hates it, hates it so much and it makes him so angry because Fili is _lying_. So he tears into the blond, says terrible biting things because he hurts so bad and he wants Fili to hurt too.

 

  
  
“How can you even say that to me!? You tried to get into my pants from the moment I first started talking to you! You fucking rutted up against me in the woods till you came all over me! But no, you don’t want me for my body at all, do you!? You lying bastard! You didn’t give a damn about my personality, you didn’t care about me! All you cared about was how hot I looked, wasn’t it? Was your first thought about how pretty I was, how beautiful?! That’s what they all whisper when they fuck me! ‘You’re such a pretty little thing, Kili, such a beautiful little slut!’ So don’t you dare stand there and say that it isn’t true!”

 

  
  
Fili only looks on with a pained expression on his face, mouth opening and closing, trying to say something but he can’t. He can see the way Fili seems to sag in on himself, the way he just watches with wide devastated eyes that are clearly welling up with liquid.

 

  
  
“I.. Kili, I’m sorry I was like that, I didn’t know! It was just.. It was a joke, and I was crude and I’m so, so sorry for that! I didn’t mean it, I _swear_ ,” He pleads, but Kili can’t stop because it’s already gone to far.

 

  
  
“Of course you’re sorry now! Being a crude prick is all fine and dandy until you find out that the person you’re acting like that towards is a rape victim!”

 

  
  
“Kili, please, I didn’t- I don’t- I was an insensitive dick, and I was.. fuck, I was an ass! I was an ass and I obviously have no tact or... I never meant it like that. I never meant to make you feel like you were nothing more than someone I wanted to fuck, because I don’t think of you like that! And I know that you don’t know me very well, I do, but I just- I don’t.. fuck! You mean so _much_ to me Kili, you do! I’m  sorry I made you feel like that, I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry that I keep touching you when you obviously don’t like it. I’m sorry I’ve made you relive all of these terrible things, that I’ve hurt you so bad Kili. I’m _sorry!_ ”

 

  
  
Tears are pouring down Fili’s face now and he feels miserable, feels like shit because he’s made the blond cry and he didn’t want them to both be miserable. He doesn’t know what he should do anymore, doesn’t know if he should just apologize or what because he still aches, he does hurt from everything that has happened but he knows that Fili didn’t do it on purpose, he didn’t mean to make Kili hurt.

 

  
  
“I.. I can’t.. I didn’t want things to be like this Fili. I don’t want you to cry because of me, I don’t.. It’s so messy and I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I’m like this.” He doesn’t know what else to do but apologize, to say sorry because it’s all a big mess. Kili just doesn’t know what to do or say anymore. Fili just looks at him with wide pained eyes, moving slowly and sitting at the edge of the bed as he watches Kili.

 

  
  
“I do think you’re attractive. I think you’re gorgeous but.. but I like you because you’re sweet, and funny, and I.. even though I’ve made you so uncomfortable and I’ve screwed up so bad, you’re still apologizing to me because you don’t want me to feel sad.. I just.. I wish you could see yourself the way that I see you Kili, because you’re so much more than your looks.”

 

  
  
And he doesn’t know what to say or what to do, he doesn’t know how to feel anymore because it’s all just raw and open. This whole situation has turned into a giant mess and Kili isn’t sure of where he’s supposed to go from here. So he just crawls across the bed and slips his arms around Fili, still letting the tears drip but he just wants the comfort of contact and touch.

 

  
  
“I don’t know how to do this or what to feel anymore. I just.. what am I supposed to do Fee?”

 

  
  
He doesn’t get a response right away, just hesitant arms wrapping around him and fingers carding through his hair. He’s mentally and physically exhausted and he just wants to go back to bed, to forget that this entire conversation has happened. But it’s to late to take everything back. Almost all of it is out in the open now, but he can’t bring himself to say the rest of it. Not right now.

 

  
  
“I don’t .... I don’t know Kili. I don’t know where to go from here. Just.. talk to me? Tell me when I’m doing something that bothers you? Because I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want you to feel like I’m using you for physical gratification, because I’m not. I just.. I want to be your mate, that’s all I want Kili. To take care of you.”

 

  
  
“M’sorry I made you feel bad.. I know you didn’t do it on purpose but I’m just so all over the place. I hate how the littlest things can set me off. I hate how your pack knows that I’m screwed up, and I don’t... I just don’t want people to hate me because.. because I find it so very hard to like myself.”

 

  
  
Fili doesn’t say anything for a few moments, just nuzzles his face into brown hair and holds on tightly to Kili.

 

  
  
“They know that something bad has happened to you. They won’t begrudge you because of that Kili, and it’s.. it’s your pack to. Because we’re mates and.. I won’t.. I can’t make you stay, but I hope you will.. I hope.. I care about you.”

 

  
  
He doesn’t know what to say to that, because he is terrified. Kili is afraid that he will mess this up, that he’ll ruin whatever might be going on between the two of them. And if he leaves.. well if he leaves, he won’t be able to mess things up. He won’t hurt Fili anymore, won’t make him feel like he has to walk on eggshells around him. Yet he knows that if he leaves, Fili will never take another mate. He’d never share his life with another, would never have closure. Could he really do that to him, to the beautiful blond that was trying so hard to make him feel happy and accepted?

 

  
  
He takes to long to answer, not knowing what to say. He can’t help the dull ache that slips into his chest when Fili slowly lets him go, the blond not even looking at him as he stands up from the bed. And Kili knows that he should say something, but the words are stuck in his throat and the moment passes, Fili running fingers through his hair and staring at the floor.

 

  
  
“Are you hungry?”

 

  
  
“Fili...”

 

  
  
“I’m going to get changed.. you can borrow more clothes if you like or whatever and go out to the kitchen. Everyone will treat you just fine.”

 

  
  
That’s all he gets before the blond is disappearing into the bathroom with a change of clean clothes. Ache in his chest spreads even more until he feels tears begin to slide out of the corners of his eyes because he doesn’t know what he should do. He doesn’t want Fili to be upset or sad because the blond had been trying so hard to make him feel comfortable and taken care of.

 

  
  
So he pulls on the clothes that he’d been wearing the other day and sits on the edge of the bed, waiting for the blond to come out of the bathroom. His hearing picks up the sound of the shower turning on and he knows that he’s going to be here for a while, waiting for Fili to come back out. So he curls up on the edge of the bed, head resting on his crossed arms as he stares at the bathroom door, waiting.  

 

  
  
Minutes drag by slowly and he can feel how his eyes begin to droop, his entire being begging for him to go to sleep again. He fights against the exhaustion hard, just wanting to talk to Fili, to apologize and make things right because he doesn’t want Fili to be hurting because of him. His body has different plans, sleep creeping up slowly upon him until he is swept away into his dreams.

 

  
  


* * *

 

  
When Kili wakes up, he finds that he has been moved beneath the covers, head resting against soft pillows. The clock on the side table reads that it is three in the afternoon, telling him that he has had about six more hours of sleep. Slowly rolling out of the bed, he heads into the bathroom to relieve himself , then moving on to brush his teeth with his fingers because he can’t find an extra toothbrush.

 

  
  
After that, Kili doesn’t know what to do with himself. He’s still frightened of the pack, afraid that they won’t like him and that they will come to realize just how screwed up he is. But he doesn’t want to stay in this room and his stomach is growling in hunger. More than anything, he wants to find Fili so that he can apologize. So Kili takes a calming breath before he forces himself to leave the room, padding along quietly until he is in the main house, heading towards the kitchen because it’s one of the only rooms that he knows.

 

  
  
He can hear a tv on somewhere, along with a few voices talking with one another. When he reaches the kitchen it’s to find Ori and Bofur to be the only ones sitting at the table, the two pouring over a book and talking animatedly to one another. Bifur stands at one of the counters pouring himself a glass of lemonade. As soon as he steps into the room, all three freeze and turn to look at him, watching him varying expressions. Ori has a bright smile on his face, Bofur wearing one that is a bit more reserved. And Bifur.. Bifur looks at him in a way that he is intimately familiar with. The look that shows disgust and raw dislike, eyes narrowed and teeth bared  in a silent growl. Bofur seems to notice the subtle shift in the air, turning to look at Bifur and instantly giving him an admonishing look.

 

  
  
“Oy, leave the kid alone Bifur. He’s barely more than a pup.”

 

  
  
“You mean a disrespectful bastard that needs a good lesson in how to treat his Alpha,” He can see the way Bifurs eyes darken, can feel the angry power of his beast filling up in the room.

 

  
  
“Mates fight, Bif, it ain’t nothin’ new. Besides, Kili don’t know a thing about how a real pack works. Let ‘im be.”

 

  
  
Ori says something or another to him but he can’t hear it, not when Bifur is looking at him like that, features taking on a more feral look as the dark haired man slowly steps forward, real snarl tearing from his lips. Bifur says something else yet it all comes to a head when he takes the glass he had been holding and throws it at Kili’s head, the brunet letting out a small yip of fear before he sees Bifur lunge towards him. It only takes him moments to tear out through the front door, panic and fear surging through him as he hears all manner of yelling behind him.

 

  
  
He can hear Bifur behind him, tearing after him through the woods and he doesn’t care how branches smash into him with sharp stings, doesn’t care that his feet are being torn bloody from rocks and twigs and branches. All he wants is to get away, for Bifur to leave him alone because he hasn’t done anything wrong, he hasn’t.  He’s scared and terrified and he doesn’t know what this man will do to him, doesn’t know if he’ll hurt him and break him because he only knows to expect the worst.

 

  
  
Crashing through the trees, his breath leaves his chest in hiccuping gasps, adrenaline pumping through his veins but it doesn’t matter anymore when his foot catches on a branch, body smashing against the ground before he tumbles and rolls to a stop. He can hear the sound of crashing behind him, fierce growl leaving Bifurs lips as the man grabs onto his arm and pulls him roughly, fingers pressing bruising marks into his skin. Kili doesn’t know what to do because he can’t fight back, not when there is an entire pack that will tear him to pieces for hurting one of there own, and he doesn’t know what to do! _what do I do what do I do what do I do!_

 

  
  
So he does nothing, lets out a whine of pain when he feels the sharp crack of a hand across his face, fingers letting go so that he falls to the ground. Blood drips from the open wound along his lip, salty liquid running into his mouth.

 

  
  
“You think to yell at my Alpha like that, pup? You think you can get away with drawing his blood like that? Making him bleed in front of us all?”

 

  
  
“I-I didn’t meant to!” He’d been having a flashback, he’d no idea what he’d been doing! And he didn’t mean to draw blood, didn’t mean to hurt Fili, never ever! And he didn’t understand it, didn’t understand why Bifur was so angry and upset because he doesn’t understand packs, doesn’t know a damn thing about how they work.

 

  
  
Bifur doesn’t seem to take any notice of the words, lifting him up and slamming him against a nearby oak tree. Lines of pain spread out from his back but he doesn’t have time to get used to it, Bifur flinging him back down onto the ground. The force of the throw causes him to roll a few times before he comes to a stop, head spinning and he can’t even think or breathe anymore. He doesn’t understand why this is happening, what’s going on and no one is here and he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t know what to do and what the hell does he do??

 

  
  
Kili tries to force words out of his mouth but nothing comes out, only a quiet whine as he watches Bifur walk towards him angrily, teeth elongating into a wolfish maw, snarling and snapping. He lays there on the ground, cowering in fear as Bifur walks towards him, inner beasts anger casting a cloying wave of rage through the air.

 

 

He’s only a few feet away from Kili when the first wolf lunges into the area, tackling Bifur onto the ground. He sees the man instantly begin shifting into a his wolf form, teeth snarling and snapping at who he recognizes to be Dwalin. Next comes a skinny ginger looking wolf with long shaggy hair, then one with twisted grey fur, another pure white and he vaguely thinks that the second one must be Ori.

 

  
  
They all circle around Bifur, all snarling and snapping as Dwalin sinks his teeth into the fur at the back of his neck, shaking the smaller wolf like a ragdoll. Ori is the only one that comes up to him, whining gently and rubbing a wet nose against him before he is going through the change. It doesn’t take long for Nori and Risna to run into the clearing in human form, making a beeline towards Kili.

 

  
  
“I’m so sorry Kili! Fili told him to drop it and we thought it would be fine if he saw you!” Ori babbled, gently sitting Kili up as Risna began to check him over. He doesn’t know what to say to the words, eyes still focused in on the other pack members circling and snarling viciously at Bifur.

 

  
  
“He disobeyed his Alpha. They’ll be hell to pay,” Nori murmurs, placing a hand on Kili’s shoulder. He automatically flinches and shifts away from the hand, not being able to deal with the casual touch. Thankfully Nori says nothing, only turns to look at Ori.

 

  
  
“Ori, why don’t you change and run back to the house. Someone needs to call Fili.”

 

  
  
“B-but he’s dealing with important skinchanger business?” Ori squeaks out the words, eyes wide as he looks at Kili and then back to Bifur.

 

  
  
“This is more important and he’ll want to know about it. Bifur.. he’s really mucked it up this time, disobeyed a direct order.... Besides, Kili needs him.”

 

  
  
And he does need him, needs him because he’s around so many people that he barely knows, because he is terrified and he doesn’t know what to do in this situation. He has no idea what to do and he can’t stop shaking and all he can taste is the blood dripping into his mouth, feel Risnas hands probing at him and he hates the touches, hates them more than anything right now.

 

  
  
Ori takes one look at the shivering brunet before he is down on all fours and making the change, skin and bones rippling and contracting as fur prickles up through the skin. Deep snarls keep coming form the wolves dealing with Bifur but he can’t bring himself to look, he just wants to get away from it.

 

  
  
“Come on then, lets go back to the house. Can you stand up and walk on your own Kili?” Risna asks him gently and he knows that it will hurt like hell with his feet, but he nods his head gently that he can. Nori goes to help him up and he reluctantly takes his hand, wincing as pressure is put upon his feet. After that he doesn’t let either of them touch him, just stumbles along and tries not to make to many pained sounds as he makes the treck back to the house.

 

  
  
By the time they get there Ori is sitting out front waiting in a new pair of clothes, feet swinging idly as he searches the tree line. He instantly perks up a little bit once he catches site of them coming out of the woods, hopping down the steps as he jogs over to meet them.

 

  
  
“I called Fili and he’ll be here within the hour. He’s not to far away, just dealing with some problems with one of the other packs. I took the liberty of calling Oin as well. He said you should sit down and having something to eat, Kili. You’re probably in shock and giving you something to do will help a bit.”

 

  
  
That’s  how he finds himself sitting at the kitchen table, nibbling at a ham and cheese sandwich not ten minutes later. Every bite is accompanied with the salty flavor of his blood, his hands shaking when he forces them to move and bring the sandwich to his mouth. Everyone around him keeps talking, Dori and Gloin coming into the house, Risna telling him he needs to hold these ice packs against his sides and Nori saying that it was more important for him to eat. Everything is so loud, to loud, and it only stops when Dwalin enters the room, blood dripping idly from a wound along his arm.

 

  
  
“I’ve got Bifur in one of the cages in the garage. He’ll be in there until Fili sees fit on what his punishment will be.”

 

  
  
Everyone nods their heads in silent acceptance, eyes watching as Dwalin stepped forward until he was before Kili.

 

  
  
“You alright, little alpha?”

 

  
  
Kili answers the gruff question with a nod of his head, but it’s obviously a lie. He’s trying to hold himself together and he doesn’t know how to do that in this room full of people. Ori seems to sense his discomfort, thank god, the skinny boy slipping past everyone until he is before Kili, gently pulling him up.

 

  
  
“Come on Kili, I’ll help you get cleaned up in the bathroom.”

 

  
  
He can’t bring himself to say anything, just nods his head and follows along, ignoring the rest of the pack and letting Ori pull him gently along to a bathroom up on the second floor. His head is to hazy and full to take anything in, limbs still shaking as Ori has him sit down on the closed lid of the toilet seat. Kili sits there in a daze as Ori putters around and goes about cleaning his lip, then on to his bloodied feet, gently wrapping them with layers of gauze. He can barely feel anything, but Ori forces him to take a few pills for the pain anyways.

 

  
  
“You can’t feel it now, but I’m sure that it’ll hurt later. You’ll be happy to have taken these, Kee.”

 

  
  
After a while the ginger nudges him up from his seat, gently guiding him back down the stairs and into the living room. No one else is in the room, but he can hear lots of talking coming down from the hall from the kitchen voices heated and angry. He can’t focus in on a single thing that they are saying.

 

  
  
It all slips away so quickly yet so slow, eyes trained resolutely upon the floor and he still doesn’t know what to do. But he can hear angry words being shouted in the other room now, can hear angry snarls and the door slamming, feet pounding out of the house and he doesn’t know what’s going on but he doesn’t like how everyone has suddenly left. And he thinks maybe the yelling and snarling had been Fili so he stands up and begins to limp down the hall, giving Ori a pointed look when he tries to stop him.

 

  
  
So the two of them make their way to the front porch, slowly but surely, and Kili can’t help the sick twist that clenches through his gut at the sight that he is met with, and he knows that Ori shouldn’t be seeing this but it’s to late now.

 

  
  
The large golden wolf can only be Fili, and he knows the other to be Bifur, it has to be Bifur because why else would there be a wolf on the ground being torn to shreds, teeth ripping through flesh and nails scratching lines across the other body. He feels sick at the sight, watching Fili tear into the other wolf, hearing the wet snaps of breaking bones and the whimpers and keens of pain. Ori is getting sick beside him, throwing up onto the wooden boards and Kili wants to look away but he can’t. There’s so much blood and it’s all over and Bifur just lies there in a limp bloody pile, howling in misery.

 

  
  
Nori snarls and forces Ori back into the house once he realizes that his little brother is there, muttering darkly of how Dori would have his hide for letting the little one see this amount of bloodshed. It seems to go on and on but after awhile, Fili shifts back into his human form, blood covering his skin and dripping from his mouth.

 

  
  
“Shift, Bifur.” The words are a rolling command, one that the bloody lump on the ground barely manages to accomplish. He looks worse in his human skin, blood and bruises covering his body, long scratches and broken bones bursting from his skin. Fili leans down before Bifur, grabbing his chin and forcing the pain ridden man to look him in the eyes.

 

  
  
“You disobeyed me. You hurt my mate. Drew _blood_ from him, threatened him, laid your hands on him after I expressly told you to not touch him. After I commanded you to not lay your hands upon him!”

 

  
Fili roars the words into Bifurs face, teeth bared and blue eyes glowing with unimaginable power. Warm sun beats down on his skin and the golden blond looks absolutely feral with red blood streaking his hair.

 

  
  
“If I were any other Alpha, you would be dead now, dead for disobeying me, let alone touching my mate! You will stay in the cages. Oin may treat you but you will receive no medication for the pain. Your only contact will be with Dwalin, Oin, and myself until further notice. Gloin and Dwalin, take care of him.” Fili ripples with anger and fury, blood dripping down his body as he stands, moving past his pack members that watch him with differing shades of awe and fear. It’s not until he reaches the top stairs of the porch that he sees Kili, freezing in his steps as blue eyes instantly trace along his body.

 

  
  
No one says a word as the brunet lunges into the blonds arms, not caring that he is getting blood all over himself, face nuzzling into his chest in an attempt to find some kind of comfort. Blood smears across his cheeks and into his hair but he doesn’t care, just wants to be wrapped up in the arms of someone who would so willingly protect and defend him.

 

  
  
Fili holds him tightly for a few minutes before he ushers Kili into the house, leading him gently towards the addition. The blond waits to say anything to him, closing the door gently before he peers at Kili with worried eyes. He can feel that Fili’s inner beast is still angry and upset, full of a quiet rage that doesn’t want to be silenced. So the blond rambles, spilling out his thoughts and feelings to Kili in an angry whisper.

 

  
  
“I told them not to touch you, not to harm you. I expressly forbade them from hurting you and he broke it, broke his Alphas command and I am so sorry for that Kili. This never should have happened, I shouldn’t have left you alone when I new Bifur was still so on edge. Stupid, disruptive ass, putting his hands on you and hurting you.”

  
  
The only thing that he can focus on is the hot warmth flowing from his beast, the warm heat and pure attraction that he feels exuding. His beast loves that his mate is defending him, adores that his alpha is taking care of him, his mate. Kili lets Fili go on and on, just curls his arms around the blood covered blond and nuzzles up against him, rubbing his nose against matted chest hair.

  
  


* * *

 

 

  
  
 Fili stops speaking at the touches, his beasts attention zeroing in on the way that  Kili nuzzles lovingly against him, blood smearing all across his face. Arms tighten around the little brunet as he slowly guides them towards the bathroom, intent on getting them cleaned up even though his beast would love to keep Kili like this for hours, nosing against him and making happy little sounds. He’s reminded so much, then, that Kili is barely more than a pup, that he needs the reassurance and the touches despite what has happened to him.

 

  
  
He’s about to pull away and start the shower when he freezes, blood boiling and breath catching in his lungs as he feels wet heat sliding across his skin. Looking down, he sees Kili’s pink tongue daintily licking at the blood on his chest, lapping away at the drying liquid. It takes all he has to not let his beast tear threw his entire being, to not let it take over and pin the brunet down and ravage him. But he knows that doing so would cause irreparable damage and he knows that Kili would never forgive him. So he forces himself to stand in place, knowing that Kili is trusting him, is smashing through his barriers of fear and trepidation to show affection.

 

  
  
Kili licks all the way up to his neck, blood smearing across his cheeks as he cleans at Fili’s body, little hums of happiness escaping his lips. He feels the little brunet pushing him down to the floor, curling up against him and moving on to lick across Fili’s cheeks, his fingers tangling into blond hair as he drags the wet muscle along his facial hair, teeth dragging along his cheeks. Breath hitches as Kili tongues at the corners of his lips, ever so slowly moving to lick across them fully. Mind swirls with a mixture of shock and glee as he feels Kili lick into his parted lips, teasing little things that poke in and barely graze along his teeth. Ever so slowly he opens up a bit more, Kili pressing in and licking further. And he's to afraid to kiss back because he doesn’t want to scare Kili, doesn’t want to push him to far.

 

  
  
Tongue curls against his own and Kili lets out a little whine, nudging at Fili with his nose and sucking at his own lax tongue. He’s terrified to push Kili to far, so afraid that Kili will hold this against him later on but his beast is tearing at his insides and he’s curling his tongue into the brunets mouth, licking and sucking, teeth nibbling gently at his bottom lip. Salty taste of blood alighting against his taste buds and he tangles his fingers into chocolate locks, loving the way Kili whines and he doesn’t want to stop but he can feel him trying to move away. So he forces himself to let go, pupils blown wide because he wants Kili so bad, his _beast_ wants him so bad.

 

  
  
Kili himself looks dazed, wide eyed and his lips are parted, plump and kiss bruised. He wants so bad to kiss him again, to lay on the floor and lick his mouth open wide until he is squirming and whining. But he can’t, he refuses because he won’t fuck this up, he won’t let himself hurt Kili.

 

  
  
“Can we nap Fee?”

 

  
  
He’s covered in blood and the sheets will need to be changed afterwards but he doesn’t care, just wants to do whatever Kili wants because that’s all that matters right now. So he helps Kili up off of the floor, heading for the bed and letting himself be pulled down again, Kili curling up against him, arms wrapping around his waist and face burrowing into his hair. _definitely has a hair kink_.

 

  
  
They don’t speak about anything, don’t talk about feelings and don’t speak about the events that took place that day. Just lay down on the bed and fall asleep in a tangle of limbs and hair.

 

**TBC**

* * *

 

Thank you for reading everyone! Like I said before, Feedback would be wonderful! Also add me on tumblr at letterstoshakespear.tumblr.com for info on updates, chapter snippets, questions, etc.! :) Have a lovely day! 

Sorry for any mistakes! 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dripping in angst, so be forewarned.
> 
> Also I kind of really suck at editing, but no worries because I now have someone who has offered to beta my works who I shall be utilizing from here on out because they are a wonderful individual <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry it's been a bit since I've updated this! Life kind of happened and I didn't have much time to write. I'm also starting a really touch semester at college so I don't know how often I'll be able to update. My life is going to revolve around a very intensive research class, so I'll do the best that I can. Anyways, thank you so much for coming back to read more! I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart! 
> 
> Enjoy!

* * *

 

 

The nap is  a short one; maybe forty minutes go by before Kili is squirming within Filis arms, mouth opening up wide to let out a squeaking yawn. Fili almost wants to comment at the adorable noise but decides against it. Instead he shifts himself a little bit away from the brunet, unsure how Kili will take Fili  in his current state of nakedness now that he has napped and regained a clear head.

  
  
Brown eyes turn to look back at him with a little glare before he finds Kili turning away again, scooching until his back is once more pressed against Fili’s muscled abs.  He’s surprised by the action but he’s not willing to question it, just accepting it for what it is and allowing Kili to do what he pleases. When it comes to this, to physical touch and actually being together, he won’t ever pressure Kili. Fili is to terrified to screw things up to be willing to push things himself. The little brunet in front of him will have to be the one to initiate everything, for if Fili knows one thing is for certain, it is that he will never be the cause of such sorrow and distress again.

  
  
“How are you feeling?” He murmurs, fingers running gently through Kilis hair. The brunet doesn’t reply instantly, just snuggles into the blankets and hums a little bit at the feeling of fingers carding through his hair. Kili knows that though the question might seem simple, it isn’t. There are many layers to it, questions within questions. There are so many things that Fili is really asking with that one question; What happened with Bifur? Are you hurting? Are you afraid? Why have you decided to be so affectionate with me? What’s going on? Can you explain?

  
  
It’s complicated though, something that Kili doesn’t exactly know how to answer because he’s not sure when or how things started to change for him concerning Fili. He just knows that Fili is his mate, that the blond was willing to protect him and defend him and.. well hes never really had that before. So he decides that he’ll try to explain that, try to tell Fili that he feels more secure than he ever has, despite what had happened with Bifur.

  
  
“Make me feel safe Fee. Ever since I was.. was turned, I.. I just.. I don’t know how to explain it the right way,” he says, turning over so that he can be face to face with Fili. Brown eyes stay downcast though, but Fili doesn’t care because now he can see the display of emotion upon his mates face.

  
  
“I’ve been alone a really long time. And.. and my mom threw me out, and no one truly wanted me because I wasn’t born a changer and I was.. was raped and.. and then I had to sell my body and everyone knew.. packs didn’t want me because I was just.. just a whore, y’know?”

  
  
  
But Fili doesn’t know, doesn’t understand it at all because how could anyone ever turn Kili away? Especially when he had only been sixteen at the time, a scared, frightened and broken pup who didn’t have a single clue of what was going on, of what was happening to him? How could anyone willingly refuse to help Kili?

  
  
  
“You’re the only person whose ever wanted me.. even.. even though I’m a mess and I’m unclean and.. You still care, and you defend me and protect me and I just.. I haven’t had that before.. Someone who.. who cares because they want to...”

  
  
  
Kili still won’t look at him, teeth nibbling away at his lower lip as he stares resolutely at Filis chest, fingers idly scratching at the dried blood that still coats his skin. He wants nothing more than to take away Kili’s pain, to make it so that he will never have that lost sad look in his eyes again. Words threaten to spill out and interrupt Kili, but he knows that the best way for the brunet to heal is to speak about the things that he has kept buried for so long; the dark niggling secrets, the brutal memories and aching thoughts. So he lays and listens, lets Kili speak and waits to speak the things that he aches to tell Kili. 

  
  
“And I’m so terrified that I’m going to screw this up. That you’ll realize what a mess I am and you won’t want anything to do with me anymore, because I can’t.. I don’t think I can lose you.. I don’t think I could survive that Fee. And everyone else has been so kind and I just.. It’s scary because I’m not used to people being nice to me just to be nice. I don’t know how packs work and I feel like I keep doing and saying the wrong things, but all I know how to do is survive, and I know that.. that I made Bifur angry. I don’t.. when I scratched you and you started bleeding, I don’t.. I don’t know why it was so bad that I did it but it was an accident, and he... he was just protecting you and defending you and... I- they all just love you so much, they’d do anything for you, and I understand why he did it, I mean, I wish I’d had people around me that cared that much but it was.. But he was.. I thought he was going to kill me..”

  
  
  
With each word that Kili speaks, Fili can feel his heart breaking more and more, the little bits being ground down to dust because all of this is so wrong. He shouldn’t feel anything but anger towards Bifur for what he had done, not some kind of envy or.. or sadness that Fili had people who cared so much about him. Caring and loving someone is a wonderful thing, but there was still such a thing as right and wrong. What Bifur had done, it was wrong on so many levels, and he’d attacked Kili in some kind of misguided need to defend Fili.

  
  
  
“What Bifur did was wrong Kili. I don’t care if he was defending me or protecting me, it doesn’t matter. I told him not to touch you, not to say a word about what had happened. I’m his Alpha and he disobeyed me, Kili. My word is law and he broke it. He knew better than to say or do anything to you because I explained to all of them this morning that you’d never been in a pack before, that you didn’t understand how we worked. They all agreed to help you Kili, to make you feel welcome because they like you. Bifur was hesitant about it but I thought that he would be fine with everyone else around. I was very wrong on my part, and you got hurt because of that. I don’t want you to feel guilty for what happened to him, alright?”

  
  
Kili nods his head gently, brows furrowed as he moves onto another patch of dried blood, nails scratching away. He can’t begin to even try to work his way through the convoluted mess of emotions that sparkle within those brown eyes, his inner beast even trying to sense for Kilis but his beast is wrapped up tight inside of him.

  
  
“I don’t feel guilty exactly, just... sad that things came down to what they did. What he did was probably normal in a pack setting, right? But I’m just so screwed up that you knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it, so you tried to protect me from it. And Bifur obviously didn’t understand why you were trying to, did he? Because they don’t know what happened to me. They don’t know how fucked up I am inside my head.. Am I right?”

  
  
“I.. Kili...”

  
  
“I’m happy he was punished because it was terrible, I won’t lie about that. I was petrified and I didn’t have a clue.. well still don’t have a clue really of what exactly it was that I did that was so wrong but.. He was just doing what’s normal and I don’t know what normal is, but I’m just.. I’m happy that you keep me safe and take care of me and you’re just so patient with me even though I’m such a mess and I really appreciate it, I really do because I’m trying, I really am but it’s really hard and-“

  
  
  
Fili cuts off the rambling by gently placing a finger against Kili’s lips, shushing him as big brown eyes meet startling blue. Amazingly, Kili stops instantly, lips parting a bit as he looks on almost as if he were in a trance. Fili doesn’t question it, just smiles softly as he rubs his fingers along soft pink lips, other arm curling loosely around the brunets waist. Fingers soon trail up into soft brown hair, rubbing idly at the little wisps that curl against Kili’s cheeks.

  
  
  
Every touch is gentle and full of feelings of warmth and care, each caress imprinting the emotions into Kili’s skin. What Fili doesn’t realize is that these are the most gentle touches that Kili has ever received from anyone he has ever shared a bed with. Rough hands, nails that bit into his skin, fingerprint bruises embedded into his hips and raw and aching imprints of teeth upon the column of his neck; those were the only things he knew from men in bed. Thoughtful touches and kindness were things he’d never felt, had only ever dreamed of experiencing.

  
  
He’d always tried to numb himself and blank out everything when he was getting fucked, to hold back the self hatred and the tears. To detach himself from the rough touches and the hard kisses to his mouth, the teeth that bit at his lips and his tongue. It was about the money, about trying to get enough to survive the week and he’d never been with anyone who actually wanted him, who cared about him. Kili had never had soft touches or tender kisses, always just being a tight hole for someone to fuck. The only thing he had ever known was hurt and pain, and now Fili was here... Fili, who shown like a golden sun upon the skies horizons, a beautiful god that gleamed and glowed with brilliant jewel eyes and the most patient of hearts.

  
  
Loneliness, hurt, and pain were the only things that he was used to, being shunned from city to city, his reputation preceding him as the skinchanger community spread word of how he made a living. Always the slut and never anything more than that. Always the one good for a quick fuck. Now Fili was lying here next to him, touching him so ardently, looking at him with the deepest kind of affection within blue eyes. And he doesn’t know how to handle it, how to deal with someone caring about him so much because he has been alone for so very long. He’s only let Fili in so much because he doesn’t have any walls of defense built up around his heart anymore. He’d let them all go because they had been broken and crushed so many times before.

  
  
  
So he can’t help the sudden wave of tears that begin to pour down his cheeks, lips trembling and he feels so bad because Fili is instantly pulling away, eyes frightened and he’s sitting up, hands flittering around his body. But Kili can’t bring himself to speak because he’s just so filled with emotions that swell up in his chest and threaten to eat him alive. The tears pour and pour and Fili is just wide eyed and panicking, finally just hauling Kili up and pulling him into a hug, mumbling words and apologies.

  
  
“I’m sorry Kili, I didn’t mean to make you upset, I swear to god I didn’t, I’m so sorry, please stop crying? Please, I hate it when you cry Kili, I don’t want you to cry anymore.”

  
  
Fili is begging and pleading, running fingers through his hair and he keeps whispering to him and he feels so bad because he isn’t upset, it’s the complete opposite. Kili is so happy, he can’t believe how lucky he is to have Fili, to have someone who cares so much after so little of a time knowing him.

  
  
“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” Somehow he manages to choke the words out in between sobs, clutching onto Fili like he is the only thing keeping him afloat, his only lifeline. Fili has no idea what to say to that, completely shocked and all turned around because he thought he’d done something wrong again, that he had hurt Kili but he hadn’t but the brunet is still crying and he has no idea of what he should do. So he holds onto Kili tightly, nuzzling into his hair and placing little kisses upon his head, rocking the shaking brunet.

  
  
It takes Kili a little bit, but eventually he manages to calm down, eyes rimmed red and cheeks puffy from crying but to Fili it doesn’t matter. The little brunet in his arms is still the most beautiful person that he has ever laid eyes upon. Nothing can change that for him. Kili won’t look at him though, eyes downcast and Fili doesn’t understand why the brunet is suddenly shy, licking his lips and cheeks shading a light pink. He doesn’t ask, just sits and waits and maybe Kili is just embarassed for crying and he’s not acting all shy.

  
  
“You’re the first person that I’ve ever kissed because I wanted to.”

  
  
Fili thinks that his heart must have stopped in his chest, that it refused to beat because it had swollen up with so much affection and he looks at Kili in disbelief. He doesn’t know what to say and he feels so honored, feels like he has been given such a wonderful gift and Kili still won’t look at him, color flushing his cheeks. _He is so beautiful._

  
  
“Thank you,” he murmurs, wrapping his arms back around the brunet and just holding on, holding him so tight because he just wants Kili to feel warm and safe. He wants him to know that he will never have to give himself away to another. Kili melts into the hug, his own arms wrapping around the blond as he basks in the pleasant warmth. And he doesn’t want to push but he can’t stop himself from asking his next question, the words slipping out before he can even think them through.

  
  
“Can I kiss you?”

  
  
Kili says nothing for a moment, just slides away slowly as he looks at Fili, biting his lip before he leans in, eyelids fluttering slowly. Reaching a hand up, he cups the back of Kili’s head, meeting the brunets lips in a soft slide of plush skin. It’s slow and tender, his movements gentle as he hesitantly nibbles at Kili’s plump lower lip, sucking softly at the little bit that he catches and holds. Tongue gradually teases it’s way into the soft slide, licking along the seem of closed lips. They part easily before him, allowing him to slip inside so he can taste, lapping at that delicious mouth. Fingers tangle into his hair as Kili moves into the kiss, clinging onto Fili as he licks back, tongues stroking against each other until it builds into something more.

  
  
He sucks at the tongue that brushes up against his, licking hard into Kili’s mouth, loving the little whimpers as he bites the brunets lips, teeth sinking into the flesh and pulling as he eats away at Kili’s mouth. Inner beast is working it’s way in, devouring away and sucking hard, nipping, biting, suckling, and his head is swimming in a haze and rush of lust, barely registering the hands that work their way against his chest, pushing him away. Kili pulls away from him but he doesn’t stop, just moves to kiss along his jaw, licking at the smooth column of his neck.

  
  
“Fee, no.”

  
  
The single word is like ice water down his neck, making him freeze instantly as he pulls away as if he had been burned. Kili doesn’t look upset, thank god, just dazed and eyes glazed over, cheeks heated bright pink. Yet Fili hates that he has allowed himself to get out of hand, pushing to far and making Kili feel uncomfortable.

  
  
“Sorry.”

  
  
“S’okay, just.. just to much. I don’t... I don’t want to give myself away anymore. I care about you and.. I just don’t want to screw this up, because I’m just.. I’m so used to everything being physical and I want something more than that with you. And I’m trying really hard and I just.. I’ve given myself up so many times and I don’t... giving pieces of myself away scares me and I don’t want to be scared with you but I am.”

  
  
Kili looks so innocent and scared before him, fingers rubbing idly at his right arm and he won’t meet Fili’s gaze, biting his kiss bruised lips nervously. He hurts for Kili, aches for him because he can see the pain in those brown eyes, can see how he hurts so bad. Kili is afraid, afraid to move to fast and afraid to ruin things. Scared to give himself to someone that he cares about because he’s never done that before. He’s never cared about someone like this before, might he dare say loved. Hell, there had never been anyone like Fili in his life.

  
  
He’s broken and he’s battered but Kili will try like hell, try so hard for Fili because he wants the blond to be happy. Hell, Kili himself wants to be happy, and he knows that he can find that with Fili if he tries hard enough to be better. So he wraps his arms back around the blond, nuzzles his face up against the warm neck and luxuriates in the feeling of soft golden tresses trailing across his cheeks. It takes a few moments before the warm body he is holding onto returns the embrace, long fingers trailing down his back.

  
  
Tongues of heat are licking their way across his skin, a warm hazy burn of flames crawling up his spine to run along to the nape of his neck. Nerve endings are alight and all he can feel is the comforting warmth of the body wrapped around his own, fingers grasping into the naked flesh of Fili’s back. He wants so much more than these touches but knows that he can only give so much less. He’s lost in a world of his own broken mind, splinters and shards of glass littering the remains and he knows that the only way to be happy with Fili is to put himself back together.

  
  
But there are things that he has yet to to Fili, things that are dark and nasty, trapped in the recesses of his soul. Dark truths are trapped within a cracking husk of secrets and disappointment in himself, the tingling warmth up his back like a magic spell that forces the secrets to bubble forth. It will complicate everything but he wants to be fresh and clean, to bear himself to Fili because maybe then he can have absolution for the things that he has done. So he pulls the blond closer before he begins to speak, words dropping into the air like little firecrackers.

  
  
“I haven’t been completely honest with you. When I was younger.. I.. I didn't only prostitute myself out.. I.. I wasn't making alot of money that way. I was sixteen and I was frightened and I didn’t want anyone to touch me after what happened so it was.. it was difficult. I only did it when I didn't have enough, when my other.. other source of income didn't pay very well. I just... I was in with a really bad pack Fee.."

  
  
Fili doesn’t speak a word, but he can feel the way lax muscles stiffen beneath his hands, fingers pressing a little harder into his skin. Not a word is uttered from Fili yet, only silence in the air as he waits for Kili to speak more. So he pushes forward, continues on with his story because he knows that it’s the right thing to do.

  
  
“Have you.. have you ever heard of Smaug?”

  
  
Reaction to the words is almost instant, Fili rearing back before he lets out a snarl, eyes glittering with anger as his eyes narrow. Kili could only sit there meekly, light whine escaping his throat because he can admit now that Fili is his Alpha and he hates the anger that is boiling forth. So he sinks in on himself as he listens to the low growl that rumbles from Filis chest, the noise rolling through the air while Kili whimpers.

  
  
  
“You worked with them!? With that filth? That miserable, disgusting, lecherous pack of wolves? The very ones who spread destruction wherever they go, murdering and killing innocent humans? Turning the ones that they don’t kill into skinchangers? And you joined with them even after you were changed against your will?” Fili is snarling and he doesn’t know what to say because he hates this, hates the look of disgust that is marring those beautiful features.

  
  
“I didn’t know then! I promise, I didn’t know, I just-I was desperate! I had nothing and I needed a place to stay and someone from the pack.. they offered to give me a place to stay if I joined up with them, if I did the jobs that they gave me to do! I promise I didn’t bite anyone! I-please believe me? I didn’t know any better!”

  
  
Kili is panicking at this point, wringing his hands in his lap but Fili is still growling low, slight elongation of his teeth into fangs and he can feel Fili’s inner beast swirling in the air. He’s afraid and he’s panicking so he crab crawls backwards along the bed, trying to calm the pounding of his heart as Fili snarls at him.

  
  
“What did you do for him Kili?”

  
  
“I-I s-sold drugs for him, I didn’t.. I had to!! I didn’t have anything, I didn’t know what to do or how to handle the change! I was terrified! I didn’t know what was happening to me! Please, please understand? I couldn’t, I didn’t know how else to survive Fee!”

  
  
Little rivers of tears are coursing down his cheeks again and he doesn’t know what to do because Fili is looking at him with raw disdain. It bites and tears into him, breaking him apart into little bits because he never wanted to see that kind of look aimed at him by Fili. And the blond is furious, teeth snapping as he slowly tilts his head to the side, blue eyes glowing like burning jewels.

  
  
“You could have said no as soon as you found out what he wanted you to do! But instead you peddled that filth? Sold things to people that you _knew_ were eating them up, tearing them apart and feeding their addictions? You could have got out as soon as you knew!”

  
  
“I fucked up, alright!! I was sixteen fucking years old, and I didn’t know what to do! Fuck, Fili, do you think I’m proud of it!? That I don’t hate myself!? Because I do, I hate myself! I hate myself for every single drug that I sold, every fucking pill and-and just give me a break! Please just give me a break Fili, because I’m just trying to be honest with you!”

  
  
Fili is still furious, eyes glittering with rage as his muscles bunch beneath his skin. Kili is absolutely terrified, is afraid that he’s going to get punished or that Fili is going to never ever treat him the same because of a stupid mistake he made in the past.

  
  
“And what the fuck did you have to do to get out of the pack?! What the hell did you fucking do to convince Smaug to just let you go!? Because I know him Kili, and he doesn’t let _anyone_ leave! Once he has his claws latched into you, you never get out! So what the hell did you do?!”

  
  
And Kili can’t stand the yelling, can’t stand the angry words and he doesn’t know what to do because he’s never dealt with an Alphas rage like this before. He doesn’t know how to handle it and he’s just so scared, body quivering and sharp little breaths hitching out of his lungs around the long whines that he lets out.

  
  
“I-I didn’t get out. I- I ran, he wanted me t-to kill someone, to do a deal with someone and then k-kill them and I wouldn’t do it and I was with them for a few years and I was eighteen so I ran because I knew he’d never let me go, that he’d kill me and t-thats why I move around so much! So they won’t find me, so my mom won’t and they won’t and I’m s-sorry, I’m sorry!”

  
  
At this point Fili is stalking towards him, crawling forward slowly and Kili lets out a little yelp of fear, tumbling off the edge of the bed and falling onto the floor. He’s flailing backwards as Fili leaps off of the bed, towering over him and he’s crawling and cowering into the corner and he’s terrified and whimpering. He fucked up, he knows that he has fucked up royally and he doesn’t know how to fix it.

  
  
“You mean to tell me.. that you ran away from Smaug? That you ran away from the most vicious, bloodthirsty skinchanger out there? That he has been sending out pack members to search for you because you deserted them?”

  
  
Fili isn’t snarling anymore, his voice cold and concise as he steps close to Kili, body coiled like a spring and Kili is just cringing there in the corner, panic stricken and he doesn’t know what Fili is going to do. He doesn’t know how to reply and he fucked up, god he fucked up and he shouldn’t be here, he shouldn’t have stayed, shouldn’t have said anything at all.

  
  
“I-I’m sorry! please, Fili, I’m sorry. I- please just I-“

  
  
“My pack has been in danger this entire time, and you said _nothing_!? What if Smaug had caught wind of me taking you in!? How could you be so selfish to put everyone here in danger like that!? Smaug is ruthless and he wouldn’t hesitate for even a second to kill my pack, my _family_ off for harboring you!! And you had the audacity to not say a single fucking thing!?”

  
  
Fili is yelling and before he can even comprehend what is going on, he feels a hand latching into his hair, dragging him into the middle of the floor and he can’t help the yelp of pain. Burning sting spreads across his scalp and his heart is pulsing in fear and Fili doesn’t let go, fingers curling and pulling to hard and he’s sobbing in fear. Everything is melding into dark memories and he can’t handle this, he can’t deal with this, not from Fili.

  
  
“Fee, stop! Please stop, please please please please! I’m sorry I’m sorry! Please just stop, please let me go! I didn’t mean to lie I didn’t want you to hate me please don’t hate me please! please stop? Pleeeeease!”

  
  
He’s wailing the words and he’s lying there on the floor with fingers clutching in his hair and he can’t breathe. He can’t _breathe_ and he doesn’t know how to make it stop, he just wants it to stop. Fili has stopped moving but his fingers are still latched into the chocolate locks and Kili just wants him to let go because he didn’t mean to put everyone in danger, he didn’t mean to make such a mess of things but that seemed to be the only thing that he’d ever been good at.

  
  
“You p-promised Fee, you promised you’d stop if I told you to, so please stop? Please, I c-can’t handle this I can’t please, I’m sorry, please?” He’s whimpering and he feels fingers detangling from his hair and he instantly curls up into a little ball on the floor, shaking and sobbing and he doesn’t know what to do, he can’t breathe anymore and he doesn’t know what to do and he’s ruined _everything_. And Fili doesn’t make a move to touch him, just whispers a pained and sorrowful “Fuck,” before he is walking out of the room and Kili is all alone.

  
  
He’s so alone, always alone and he can’t deal with the way his heart is splintering inside of him and he never thought that he would ever hurt this badly again. He can’t stop the way his body is shaking nor the hiccuping sobs that wrack through his body, consuming him. Tears won’t stop and he hears sets of feet coming into the little addition and he doesn’t want anyone to see him like this. He heres one little gasp and then “What the hell did you do Fili?” and he knows that it’s Dis.

  
  
And she doesn’t wait for Fili to say anything, just kneels down beside him and runs her hands gently against his shaking body, hauling him up and pulling Kili into her lap, rocking him back and forth as she gently shushes him. He can’t see Fili, can’t see the look of dismay that is on the blonds face, the way he has crumpled in on himself or the tears coursing down his cheeks because he let his beast get the best of him and he hurt Kili, hurt him so fucking badly and he doesn’t know how to fix it.

  
  
Dis just tries her best to calm down the poor broken boy in her arms, whispering softly into his ear of how it was going to be okay, that she wouldn’t let Fili do anything to him. And it aches inside because he doesn’t want to be afraid of Fili but he is. He’s so afraid because Fili tore into him and tore open old scars and he doesn’t know what to do. _What do I do?_

  
  
He doesn’t realize that he whimpers the words out loud, doesn’t know until Dis is answering his question with quiet words.

  
  
“You don’t do anything hunny, you just let me hold you, alright? Everything is going to be okay, you’re safe with me.”

  
  
He doesn’t see the way that she glares at her son, lips pulled back in a silent snarl as she tightens her grip around the quaking brunet. Fili feels like an admonished pup, feels like a monster for doing this because he had promised himself that he wouldn’t do this, had _promised_ Kili that he wouldn’t hurt him.

  
  
“B-but he hates me now, I don’t want h-him to hate me.”

  
  
The words come out in hitched sobs and Fili is stricken because he could never hate Kili but he was terrified for his pack, afraid of the repercussions and the inevitable fighting that would come with it, the destruction. He let that take over his mind and all he allowed himself to see was the threat that Kili posed to the packs way of life. The blond feels like a monster, like the lowest kind of scum because this is his _mate_! His fucking mate and he’d reduced him into a sobbing broken mess who couldn’t even get up off of the floor for how hard he was crying.

  
  
So he tentatively sits down on the floor, scootches his way over and he just wants Kili, just wants to hold him and  hug him and make the pain go away. But Dis is snarling at him, curling protectively around Kili and he doesn’t know what to do because his mother has never been this upset with him. So he sits there quietly, sits and waits because he doesn’t know what the hell else he’s supposed to do.

  
  
  
“I don’t hate you Kili, I could never ever hate you."

 

But the words don't mean a damn thing, because the actions speak louder. 

 

_What do I do?_

 

**TBC**

* * *

Uhm. So. I may or may not have made myself cry when I was rereading through this....

But.... 

Thanks for reading! Feel free to leave me comments and to add me on letterstoshakespear.tumblr.com if you so wish! Have a great day! 

XOXO <3 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry for the late update! Life kind of went wild for a bit because that's just how it is. I'm super busy, so I'll try to get updates out whenever I can!   
> Anyways, thank you so much for coming back! This chapter is angsty, of course. How could it not be after the last one? So let this be your warning. >.

Dis doesn’t allow him to come near Kili for the rest of the night. Every time he tries to get a word in, he is completely shut down. After a while, his little brunet passes out in Dis’s arms, unable to keep exhaustion at bay after crying so hard for so long. Fili tries to get words out, but his mother won’t let him finish, just hisses at him to get the hell away and so he does, unable to bear the thought of waking Kili up after he had finally managed to stop crying.

 

So he leaves, goes outside and ignores the calls he is getting from Dwalin, knowing that he is ignoring his duties and is being a terrible Alpha for his pack. But he can’t handle all of it together, so he takes off, goes and lets his wolf pelt stream out of his skin, muscles stretching and bones cracking as he allows his beast to take over. The wolf takes over everything, human consciousness bleeding away until he is only the wolf.

 

It’s hours before he finds himself back in his human form, the moon out and crickets chirping in the air. It is silent, too silent, and he knows that he isn’t alone. Only mere moments pass before he hears the sound of cracking twigs, branches and leaves rustling as the form of his mother appears from the darkness of the forest. Dis’s face is completely blank but her eyes are cold and dark and he knows that he’s in for it. Some twisted part of him can’t wait to be yelled at, because he knows that it’s what he deserves. But she doesn’t say anything, only stands and watches with stiff limbs, jaw clenched as she looks down at her son. If he were a wolf his tail would be between his legs, belly bared because despite him being Alpha his mother will always have the upper hand on him.

 

“I-Is he okay?” The words come out in a wilted whisper. He almost winces at the audacity of the question.

 

“What do you think, Fili? Do you think that he’s okay? After you yelled and screamed at him? With the way you bullied him, a rape victim, into a panic attack? After you made him cry like that? What do you think, Fili? Do you think that he is okay after you manhandled him, the way you dragged him by his hair into the middle of the floor?”

 

“I-I-“ Tears of hatred are welling up and Dis sneers, snarling as she prowls closer, teeth bared in fury.

 

“Don’t you dare cry in front of me, Fili! You have no right to shed a single tear after what you did to that poor boy! He is your mate, and you tore him to shreds!”

 

“I didn’t mean to! He- he’s running away from Smaug! He’s been here this entire time and anything could have happened!” It’s a weak defense but he’s yelling back now because he doesn’t know what else to do. Dis only scoffs at him, circling around as she clenches her hands at her sides, a low snarl working out of her throat.

 

“But nothing has happened! Not a damn thing! Fili, do you have any idea of what you have done to Kili? How much you have terrified him?! He loves you! He opened up to you, told you things that he has never told a single soul! And you threw all of it back in his face!!” She’s screaming at him and he can’t handle it, not Kili and his mom at once, but he knows that he has to deal with it. There is no running away from this, he’s an adult and only he can fix the mess that he has made.

 

“I let my beast take over and it was wrong, I know that! I fucked up, I really, really fucked up, and I’m just.. how bad is he? Can you please just tell me how bad he is?”

 

Dis only deflates slightly at the words, easing up the tiniest bit at the sight of her son sinking in on himself, hair a mess and eyes shining with unshed tears. However, he can see that his mother is still royally pissed, a dark look on her face.

 

“He wants to leave. You terrified him and now he doesn’t want to be here anymore. He told me that if you ever had that look on your face again and it was directed towards him, he wouldn’t be able to handle it. He’d rather be caught by Smaug then deal with you doing that to him again. He’s absolutely terrified that you’ll blow up at him, manhandle him like that again, and he is convinced that you hate him. You really fucked this up, Fili.”

 

Each word that Dis speaks crashes against him like a raging wave, tsunamis of sorrow and self-hatred drowning him with tidal force. He doesn’t know how to swim back up to the surface when he is pulled under like this. He doesn’t know how to make this better. How he can possibly convince Kili to stay after what he had done.?

 

“I need to talk to him, I need to make him understand it was a mistake! I can’t- this whole Alpha thing is really fucking me over and I can’t- I don’t know how to make my beast stop, I haven’t done this before!”

 

“You’re twenty-five years old, Fili, you suck it up and you figure it out! For god’s sake, you’re a grown man and you’ve been Alpha of the pack for five years since Thorin went of the deep end and went god knows where! I thought better of you, Fili! You’ve disobeyed the order that you’ve given to the pack! By all rights you deserve to be challenged for this!”

 

His breath catches in his chest with a low whine, because he can’t. He can’t lose his pack, can’t imagine not being Alpha, because he needs to take care of everyone, it’s his job! The idea of being challenged hadn’t even crossed his mind and he can’t even... Dwalin would challenge him in a heartbeat. He may be second in command, but he would do it, and though Frerin might be his uncle, he would challenge him as well.

 

“I-I didn’t mean for it to happen! None of this was supposed to happen!” He whines the words, sounding like a petulant child and hating himself for it. Dis just huffs at him, throws her hands up in the air and paces back and forth before him.

 

“But it did happen! You lost control and acted like a pup! You let your status of Alpha get the best of you, and you hurt your mate! You wrecked him mentally when he was already in such a fragile state! What the hell do you think everyone is supposed to think, Fili!? They follow your example, and a fair few of them have grown very fond of Kili already! And here you are, manhandling him and breaking him to bits! You did exactly what Bifur did! You may not have drawn blood, Fili, but you did more damage than Bifur could have even hoped to accomplish!!!”

 

Fili allows himself to crumble at the words, tears leaking out because he has screwed everything up. He’s let his pack down, and worst of all Kili. Poor, sweet Kili who didn’t deserve any of this and his heart aches, stomach twisting in knots and chest clenching tight because he is a monster. He’s a fucking monster. An absolute fucking monster and he deserves to be challenged. Fili knows without a doubt that he deserves worse than Bifur, he deserves complete and utter exile for what he has done.

 

“I need to fix it, I need to- to go apologize, to make it better, I need- I need to tell him I’m sorry, I need to make it better. I just- I- fuck! I need to make it better, I need to-“

 

“Don’t you think for a second that you are going near him tonight! You can sleep on the couch tonight because he gets your bed. And when I say couch, I mean the one inside the main house.”

 

“I-mom I need to fix this, I need to! I can’t let him think I hate him! I couldn’t ever hate him!”

 

“No, Fili. He needs the night to sleep, to try and calm down after what happened. Now get up and let’s walk back. He told us his entire story, Fili. Only Dwalin, Frerin and myself, but we know. And if they challenge you, you’d best be prepared, because they will not hesitate to tear you apart for this.”

 

She doesn’t even bother to wait for him, just turns around and heads back towards the house. Fili is left to navigate the woods alone, eyes dripping with tears as he stumbles along. When he gets back to the house it’s deserted, no one in the kitchen and it feels wrong on so many levels and he doesn’t know what to do. He walks into the living room and Dwalin and Frerin are waiting for him. He instantly wipes the tears away from his face, tries to be stoic but he can’t, not with the way they are growling at him, eyes dark with anger and rage.

 

“How could you do that to him?” Dwalin’s voice is a quiet whisper. He’s never seen his second in command like this, never seen him so angry that he couldn’t even bring himself to yell.

 

“I-I didn’t- I don’t- I’m sorry, I’m s-so sorry, I don’t I-“

 

“Don’t apologize to me, apologize to Kili!!! Apologize to that poor boy who has been _wailing_ and crying for hours! The whole goddamn house could hear him, Fili! They might not know what you said to him, what you did to him, but they know you fucked up royally! And tomorrow, you’re going to fucking fix this! You’re going to grovel on your goddamn knees, because if that boy doesn’t get fixed, if you can’t make all of this better for him, then you’re going to find yourself on your own. You’ll end up just like him. Just like him because you really are related to Thorin, you fucking bastard.”

 

Dwalin goes there, makes that low blow and it’s like the wind has been  knocked out of him, and he can’t breathe. He can’t stand the comparison and he can’t stop the low whine that escapes his throat. The rough, dry sob makes even Frerin look slightly taken aback, eyes gone wide as he puts a hand on Dwalin’s arm.

 

“Dwalin, calm down, its-“

 

“Don’t you make excuses for him! Not after the way you heard Kili sobbing, after he told us what happened and how he was raped! How this little bastard knew about it and still handled him like that!”

 

Everything is sinking into an ungodly mess and he doesn’t know what to do but he can’t let himself cry anymore, he can’t. He needs to have some dignity but he feels like he is getting punched in the chest over and over again, knowing that they both know about how Kili was raped.

 

“I lost control of it! I didn’t mean for it to happen I swear to god I didn’t!”

 

But Dwalin doesn’t want to hear it, fist connecting with the side of his head, body colliding with the wall as he slides down. Black spots are bursting in his vision and it’s all a dizzy blurry mess now. Frerin is still looking pissed but he’s growling something to Dwalin, hoisting Fili up and handing him a pair of sweatpants. Somehow he manages to pull them on and Dwalin is still standing there, inner beast’s power pulsating in the air and he doesn’t know what the fuck he should do.

 

“Give him a chance to fix it, Dwalin. I know it was terrible listening to him, but energies are running high right now. We need to go to sleep and have some time to clear our heads. Fili made a mistake, a colossal one, but-“

 

“How can you defend him like that? After what he did?” The words are an enraged hiss. Dwalin is furious, fists clenched and arms crossed tightly across his chest.

 

“Give him a chance! Everyone is going to be pissed with him, he’s going to have repercussions for this! Hell, he’ll be lucky if Kili will even forgive him for what happened, so just give it a rest!”

 

Dwalin doesn’t even bother to reply, storming out of the room and outside, kitchen door slamming shut behind him. It’s absolutely silent, Frerin watching him with sad and tired eyes. Running a hand through his hair, he guides Fili to the couch with a quiet sigh.

 

“You really screwed up, Fili. But you’re my nephew, and that means something to me. I’ll stick by you, but you’re going to have a hell of a time keeping Dwalin appeased. He’ll challenge you in a heartbeat if you step out of line again.”

 

Fili can’t even bring himself to say anything, just nods his head because he isn’t capable of speaking anymore. Not now when all he wants to do is to yell and scream for Kili, to find his mate and grovel for what he has done. He doesn’t waste any time in falling down onto the couch, curling up into a little ball and waiting desperately for sleep to take him. Anything that could blank out this nightmare would be a blessing to him. Even if his dreams would turn into a curse.

 

* * *

 

 

Kili is tired and broken. Despite having a whole night’s rest, he feels as if he had never slept at all. His insides are a hollow mess and even if he wanted to cry, he wouldn’t be able to. His brown eyes are so sore and raw that he can’t even imagine them trying to produce another tear; the very action itself would cause them to sting and burn. Every time he tries to piece together a thought or a feeling, it all slips away from his mind, not able to grasp onto the little bits that are floating around. It takes too much effort to try and think, to attempt to make things fit together. So he doesn’t. He lets everything drop away into incoherent parts and pieces until he can feel a hand on his shoulder, shaking him gently.

 

Some part of him knows that it’s Dis, but he doesn’t allow himself to really acknowledge the soft touch or the gentle words. Instead he allows himself to be pulled up from the bed, fingers lacing with his as he is lead down hallways of the house. Part of him recognizes that the kitchen is loud as usual, voices calling to one another across the table and Bombur calling out the ‘orders’ of food, but Kili is glassy-eyed and doesn’t take in a single thing. That is until the talking comes to a complete standstill, the members of the pack that are there all simultaneously turning to look at him.

 

The sudden concentration of all those eyes upon him makes him back up instantly, mind focusing in on what is going on and he can’t stand the looks on their faces. Pity staining their eyes, sadness slipping into the frozen lines of their bodies. Dis is whispering something in his ear but he doesn’t really hear it, just sits down at an empty chair as the talking slowly starts up again. A plate of hot food is set down before him and it feels like hours have gone by. The sight of the eggs and toast make him feel sick, stomach heaving and he knows he won’t be able to stomach a single bite. So he pushes the plate away, ignores the tsking noise beside him and just takes a small sip of water instead.

 

Words are pouring out from the mouths around him but he can’t hear a damn thing, eyes unfocused and hazy because it’s all a sticky mess inside of his head. Kili doesn’t want to listen, doesn’t want to feel, and he certainly doesn’t want to deal with the pitying looks that everyone must be sending his way. He can’t stop himself from wondering why Dis would do this to him, why she would bring him out in front of everyone in his current state. It’s a hot burning fire that begins to crawl through his insides, and he doesn’t want it to explode, but the thoughts won’t stop swirling in his head. _“Why would she bring me out here so they can all look at me like this? So they can see how broken I am?”_

 

Somehow, he manages to hold back the words that he wants to spout, unceremoniously pushing away from the table, the legs of his chair dragging loudly against the floor. He doesn’t say anything to anyone and ignores the looks and the calls of his name as he walks back down the hallway, not wanting to be near anyone at all. He’s staring straight ahead when he feels a hand on his shoulder, fingers tightening against his skin and he doesn’t even think about his actions. Kili is tired of being touched, of unwanted hands on his skin and angry words, so he reacts instantly, reaches up and grabs the hand, twisting and pulling the limb hard so that the individual is slammed against the wall.

  
  


When he sees that it is only poor little Ori, he allows some part himself to feel the sting of regret and sorrow. Looking at the wide eyed ginger, he can’t bring himself to say a word, just lets go of him and continues down the hallway until he is back in familiar rooms, collapsing on the floor and staring at his hands. _“How am I any better?”_ Everything is all hard and rough, and he is detached. He is so detached from himself that he can’t think or feel. It’s all foreign and there’s someone behind him again, but he doesn’t want to deal with anyone anymore.

 

“Are you alright, Kili?” It’s Dwalin’s rough voice that asks the question, words coming out in a low rumble from his chest. Kili wishes that he knew how to respond to that, but he doesn’t know how to. He is full of conflicting emotions; hatred and guilt, sadness and anger. All he wants is to see Fili again, to be with his stupid idiot of a mate, but the other part of him is terrified. He wants Fili so bad but he can’t stop hearing what the blond had said, the achingly vicious words, the ones laced with anger and hatred and so much more. How is he supposed to be able to handle anything or do anything at all when the one person who was supposed to care had hurt him the most? It had felt like he had so much to gain from being here with this pack, but now all he can sense is that he has somehow lost everything. Kili feels more broken than ever and he has no clue as to how he is supposed to fix it because he has never been very good at putting himself back together.

 

“Kili? Will you talk to me? Kili?” He never should have told Dwalin, Frerin, or Dis anything. He shouldn’t have told them about how he was raped in the past, about his whole sordid life and then what Fili had said and done to him. He should have kept his mouth shut, just like he always had when it came to things such as this; his hurt and pain. Kili doesn’t want to listen to Dwalin’s gruff voice in his ear. He doesn’t want to feel calloused hands on his shoulders, moving to rub comforting circles against his back. His heart fills with hatred and he can’t help it, can’t help the angry snarl that leaves his lips, teeth snapping as he wrenches himself away from the probing hands.

 

“Don’t touch me! Just because I told my dirty secrets doesn’t mean that I want your fucking hands touching me!”

 

Dwalin looks at him wide-eyed and slack-jawed, frozen in place before he slowly stands up with his hands raised up. Kili doesn’t care that he looks slightly hurt, doesn’t care that there is a sudden flash of some emotion before it suddenly slips away. All he knows is that he is tired of pitying looks, tired of how everyone keeps looking at _poor broken little Kili._ It’s all clenched up into a tight ball inside of his chest, and all he wants to do is let it explode. He can’t though, and he won’t.

 

“Kili.... how can we help you?”

 

He doesn’t even know the answer to that himself. How can he have someone else help when he isn’t even sure how to go about it himself? Everything is a convoluted mess within him, knotted up bits and pieces of opposing wants and wills. The only sense of comfort he can get is from the one person who had made him feel like this in the first place. And he doesn’t know what to do or say or think or feel, he doesn’t know what he wants, really, what does he want? And-

 

“I want Fili.”

 

Somehow the words escape and they are met with silence, one that is cold and stiff. He can’t bring himself to look at Dwalin or whoever else must be standing in the room, because he can feel their presence behind his back, so very, very tense.

 

“Do you think that’s a good idea, Kili? He’s the one who did this after all, was the one who-“

 

A snarl rips past his throat and he cannot believe these people right now, treating him like some kind of idiot.

 

“I know exactly what he did! Do you think I’m honestly that big of an idiot!? That I forgot what he fucking did?! Because I can sure as hell tell you that I definitely haven’t forgotten a damn thing!”

 

Dwalin doesn’t say anything else to him, just scowls and grumbles as he walks away out of the addition, hopefully grabbing Fili. Dis moves up in front of him and is looking at him with searching eyes, but he can’t bring himself to keep on looking at her. He’s so lost and confused about the emotions inside of himself. It feels like he barely knows himself anymore, like the different parts of him have been stretched taught and are about to snap. He has drifted too far away from himself and he has no idea how he’s supposed to find his way back again.

 

It takes a few minutes, but eventually he hears shuffling sounds coming from behind him. Kili can tell by the look on Dis’s face that Fili has entered, eyes pained and angry all at the same time. A mother’s love shines brightly within, but he can see the disappointment and wrath that lie clearly on the surface. It hurts, because he never meant to cause so much trouble for this pack, but it seemed like that was the only thing he’d been doing lately. Thoughts are broken when he hears Dwalin start to growl something, and he decides there and then that he wants to talk to Fili alone. Because as much as it hurts and aches, he can’t handle having everyone listening in on the conversation that they need to have.

 

“I wanna talk to him alone.”

 

Dis manages to cut off Dwalin’s disgruntled noises with a single look, standing up slowly before she looks at Kili with piercing blue eyes.

 

“Call for us if you need us. That’s all that you have to do. Alright Kili?”

 

He nods his head in response, waits until he hears two sets of feet padding away and the closing of the door. And he knows that Fili is there behind him but he refuses to turn around, refuses to spend the energy to look at him. If the blond wants to be face to face, he will have to be the one to move, because Kili is not going anywhere. Eventually he hears tiny little movements, shuffling feet and shallow breathing. At first he doesn’t bother to look, but when he does look, he wishes that he hadn’t.

 

Fili looks like a wreck, almost as bad as he must look. His hair is a knotted mess and his eyes are raw and red, lips chapped and there’s this bruise across his face, purple and blue spreading and from the corner of his mouth all along his jaw and cheekbone. A faintly bloodstained crack appears across his lips, every little movement causing the skin to stretch and a bead of blood to ooze out. Part of him is happy that someone hit him that hard, but the other part feels sick to his stomach. He can’t handle the violence, the painful attacks that seemed to be so common within a pack. That’s what Fili had done the other night, treated him like a pack member and again he’d freaked out because he was fucked up in the head.

 

Guilt floods through him and he hates it because he is so torn up about all of this. He can’t believe any of it anymore, and Fili is just looking at him with wide blue eyes before he looks back down toward the floor. All he really wants is for the silence to be broken but he refuses to be the first one to break. Not much time passes before Fili is slowly parting his lips, licking the cracked and bloodied skin before he lets out a desperate, broken whine.

 

“I-I’m so sorry Kili, I-I’m so sorry. I can’t- I’m so sorry.”

 

He repeats it over and over again until Kili can’t take it anymore, can’t bear to listen to the words because he’s so conflicted but he is so angry, so fucking angry and he doesn’t know what the hell to do.

 

“Just shut up Fili! Please just shut the hell up!” The words hiss out and Fili is flinching back, eyes downcast again and blood beading down from his cracked lips. He doesn’t give a single damn that the blond is upset, doesn’t care anymore because he was the one who should be upset and he shouldn’t let himself get twisted up over this because it was simple. Fili had fucked him over, treated him just like every other damn person ever had. Like he was just a piece of meat to be manipulated and abused.

 

“Why did you do it? Why would you ever do that to me?”

 

And Fili is just looking at him with those eyes of his again, tears welling up so they look ever more like cool blue puddles. Part of him hates that the tears are there, but the greater part of him despises Fili, loathes the blond for how low he has brought him.

 

“I don’t- I- I let my beast get the better of m-me I’m so so sorry, I didn’t- Kili, p-please, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean for this to happen!”

 

The tears that welled up are overflowing, hands racing up to wipe them away as the blond looks at Kili, desperate pleas in his words. And Kili hates him, hates him so much because as much as he hates Fili, he can’t. It’s like that movie, that part where the girl says ‘mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.’ Because he can’t hate Fili, even though he wants to so damn badly and that’s what makes it ache all the more.

 

“I told you everything. I trusted you! And you threw it back in my face! I thought you cared about me!”

 

“I swear to god I do! I care about you more than anything, m-more than the pack and it’s hard for me to even wrap my head around that because all I’ve ever had is the pack! And I just- I screwed up, I screwed up so bad and I’m sorry!”

 

“That’s just a recurring theme with you, isn’t it!? You fuck up and then you beg forgiveness! Why can’t you ever control yourself, huh!? Why can’t you behave and just act the way you’re supposed to!?” He knows that he’s yelling but he can’t stop himself, can’t stop because he is so mad, so damn angry that Fili has put him in this position!

 

“Kili, please, I just, I’m so sorry! I didn’t- I don’t have an excuse. I don’t have a good excuse for it at all, because all I could think about was the pack, how they could have gotten hurt! But nothing bad happened and I overreacted and I’m just so, so sorry!”

 

Fili is watching him with desperate eyes, fingers clutching at the fabric of his sweatpants and his shoulders are slumped. And part of Kili wants to reach out and touch him, but the other part of him wants to be petty, to make Fili ache just like he does. That’s all the blond deserves: pain and hurt and fear like he had experienced.

 

“You hurt me! You manhandled me! Threw me around and dragged me by my hair! You yelled and you screamed at me and you made me feel like a victim again! I trusted you! I trusted you!! And you just threw all of it into my face, you played on all of my insecurities and you tore me apart! Maybe you didn’t say much, but you just- I can’t- Why would you do that to me!?”

 

Now he’s crying, tears pouring down his cheeks and arms wrapping around his sides, stomach aching and it feels like there is a lead weight inside of his chest. It hurts so bad and he hates it, hates how much it hurts and throbs. Fili just stares at him, biting viciously at his lips where there is even more blood now seeping out.

 

“I’m sorry Kili, I don’t know what else to say but I’m so unbelievably sorry and I just want to make it better! And I don’t know how to and just please, please just let me try to make this better? Just don’t leave? Please don’t leave because I can’t fix it if you leave!”

 

“Just go away Fili. I don’t want to talk to you anymore.” He’s breathing so heavily and he just can’t take it anymore, the pain and the tears, the agony that is flooding through him.

 

“K-Kili, I- p-please-“

 

“Just go away!”

 

That’s all it takes before the blond is scrabbling away, fleeing out of the room like a bat out of hell. And he refuses to admit to himself that he starts to cry even harder once the blond is gone, refuses to admit that just having Fili around despite everything gave him some sort of comfort. And of course it doesn’t take long for Dis and Dwalin to make their reappearance, the burly second in command growling and mumbling about putting Fili in his place and Kili can’t even help it, just turns and snarls and glares because he doesn’t care what Dwalin or anyone else thinks of him at this point.

 

“You leave him alone, do you hear me? It’s my problem to deal with, my fight, and you have no right to butt in, got it?”

 

Dwalin just looks at him, completely taken aback like he can’t even understand why Kili is telling him to butt out. He knows that he has to explain himself, but he doesn’t even know what he’s doing anymore, or what he’s thinking. Everything is a raging mess, but if one thing is for certain, he’s going to make sure that Dwalin understands something clearly.

 

“Kili, he shouldn’t even be Alpha anymore, he shouldn’t even be allowed to see you! He deserves punishment and-“

 

“Let’s get this straight. What he did... It would have been fine for him to do if it was anyone but me. So you’re going to let him be Alpha. You’re not going to challenge him. You’re going to let him at least have that much. Understand, Dwalin?”

 

Kili isn’t quite sure where the anger is coming from, the need to protect Fili. His beast, the more instinctual part of himself, knows that it is because ultimately Fili is his mate and he has to protect what is his. Dwalin watches him with hard eyes, searching him, but how could the muscular man know what it was like? He didn’t have a mate, couldn’t understand the bone deep tie that Kili had to Fili despite everything. It takes an age but Dwalin eventually nods his head, sighing deeply before he trudges out of the room. Dis still stands before him with sad and tired eyes, fingers running through her dark hair. She doesn’t say anything for a while, only sits and watches Kili. Part of him wants to yell at her, to tell her to go away, but he knows that he can’t. Fili’s mom was the only person who had been nice to him through and through while he had been here.

 

“Is Ori alright?”

 

“A little shaken up. He wasn’t expecting you to go after him like that.”

 

Hanging his head in shame, he lets himself mumble a light apology, guilt gnawing away at his bones. Dis doesn’t bother to say anything, exhaling a pent up sigh until all the air has been expelled from her lungs, waiting long moments before she takes in a breath.

 

“Are you going to leave, Kili?”

 

“I.. I don’t think that I could. Even if I wanted to... And I hate myself for that, and I hate myself because as much as I want myself to hate Fili, I can’t make myself do it. Everything hurts even worse because of it.”

 

Dis stands hesitant before him, running a hand through her hair. The action is one that echoes Fili, and it makes his heart ache. She doesn’t notice though, just stares at the opposite wall before she slowly begins to speak again.

 

“I feel that I need to explain some things, so that maybe you’ll understand Fili a bit better.”

 

His lips instantly pull down into a scowl, moving to stand up because he can’t believe that Dis is really about to defend Fili after everything. He goes to move but Dis shoots him a glare that makes him stop in his tracks, a low huff expelling before he sits back down again.

 

“What he did was wrong, Kili. But the pack.. it’s the only thing that’s kept him going for a while. Ten years ago... we had a run-in with Smaug and his pack. We’ve lived on this land for years, but we owned an even larger piece further away. Back then my brother Thorin was Alpha of the pack. He wanted to move the pack so that we could expand and have more land to run. Before we could get ourselves together, Smaug and his pack showed up and stole our land right out from under us.”

 

At the mention of Smaug’s name, Kili can do nothing to stop the sick lurch in his stomach, the sinking feeling of discomfort flitting across his skin. Despite that, Dis continues on, eyes focused on something far far away.

 

“Thorin was completely enraged and it blinded him to safe courses of action. Instead of looking for help, he had us attack on our own, just our pack. Fili was only fifteen at the time, just a child who was left behind along with Ori and Gimli. My husband died in that godforsaken fight, left me and Fili before his time. Ori’s parents died as well, along with my father and grandfather. There were quite a few others too, pack members that weren’t relation by blood. They all died for nothing, following the orders of their Alpha.”

 

His heart is sinking with every word and he doesn’t know how to articulate the things that he is feeling. All he knows is that the emotions run wide and deep, a surging dark blue that could rival the frothing depths of the oceans. It’s ugly and black, unbearably painful and it aches inside of his chest.  

 

“Dis-“

 

“Listen, Kili. We lost much that day. Thorin survived, but he was never the same. Dwalin stood by his side, unwilling to see the madness that had seeped into my brothers mind. He spent years obsessively planning to take back our land, to make Smaug pay for the deaths he had caused, the blood he and his pack had spilled that terrible day.

It all came to a head five years later after meticulous planning. Yet we all knew that it would never work, that Smaug was too powerful for us, his pack too large. You know better than any of us the amount of packs he has converged upon, swallowing them up whole to grow his numbers. Frerin refused to go, he wasn’t willing to sacrifice himself for a lost cause, and neither was Fili... And Fili... oh how he loved Thorin. He thought his Uncle hung the moon and the stars just for him. He was heartbroken to see how far Thorin had fallen into madness. So the pack was split, half wanting to fight and the other half unwilling. It all came to a head when Thorin... he sentenced Frerin to death. His reasoning was that my brother had been the one to start the dissent.”

 

He feels like he knows where this is going, that he knows how this story is going to end. Kili doesn’t say anything, just tries to hold down the sickness that is spreading inside of him.

 

“Thorin was about to give Frerin the killing blow when Fili stepped in. He challenged him for Alpha. I remember standing there and being so terrified, knowing that Thorin was so far gone that he wouldn’t hesitate to kill my son. He was more than willing to kill his own brother and Fili, he was so young. But he won, he won and he was Alpha and the madness came to an end in one aspect, at least. Thorin... he was devastated, furious and rageful and he tried to take Fili down when he wasn’t looking, even though he had lost. It was... It was terrible.”

 

“W-what happened to him? To Thorin?”

 

“Fili banished him from the pack. We have no idea where he is, these days. It’s for the best, really.”

 

Despite her words, he can see the pain in her eyes, the loss and anger for her exiled brother. It’s not a simple thing to work through, emotions split yet muddled together all at once. It’s something that Kili himself is very familiar with.

 

“That’s why he reacted the way that he did Kili. It’s not an excuse, I know. But Smaug.. he took much from Fili, destroyed our pack in the process. He can’t understand why anyone would willingly work for that monster after what happened to us, Kili. It doesn’t explain his behavior but... I suppose I just hope that maybe you’ll look at things in a bit of a different light.”

 

That’s all he gets, a painful depressing story of the past and then she’s gone, leaving him alone to process through all of the things that he has learned. If anything, things are even more complicated than before, his heart aching for Fili and himself because god can he understand. At some level, Kili understands perfectly why Fili reacted the way that he did. Yet the real question was, could he really find it in himself to forgive Fili? For making him ache in a way he hadn’t even thought possible? He searches desperately for the answer, but nothing comes to him; life is never as simple as that.

 

**TBC**

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Thank you for reading everyone! Leave comments and Kudos if you like, and if you want, you can follow me at letterstoshakespear.tumblr.com! Have a nice day! :) 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I just want to let all of you know that I am really well and truly swamped with homework, volunteer work, and club meetings this semester, so me updating in a timely manner is going to be a very questionable thing. That being said, thank you so much for coming back! I'd also love to say thank you to my Wonderful beta, Legolaslover1!!! She's a life saver! hehe.  
> Aaaanyways, here is the next chapter, I hope all of you enjoy!

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Fili doesn’t know how long he has been in the spare room on the second floor, but the walls are closing in around him, threatening to choke the life out of him. He spends hours staring at the wall, trying his best to feel nothing and slowly but surely he feels himself suffocating. So he gets up, tiptoeing down the stairs with listless eyes and ignoring the stares that he gets when he walks through the kitchen, screen door slamming behind him as he walks out into the woods.

 

His inner beast begs to be released, but he can’t bring himself to do it. It was his wolf that had gotten him into this mess, his Alpha status and his need to protect. But he knows that it’s more than that, that it has to do with Thorin and Smaug as well. Hell, hearing that name had hurt, had torn all the old scars open and he’d allowed himself to lose his cool. Fili wants to disappear into his wolf, but he won’t let himself. He can’t allow himself to run away from what he is feeling because it won’t fix a damn thing.

 

Instead he stumbles around the forest completely on autopilot, eventually ending up at the same brook that he had used to clean Kili. The memory surges through him and he feels his stomach clench, vomit traveling up his throat as he wretches upon the forest floor. Once he starts he can’t stop, falling onto his knees and curling his fingers into the dirt, eyes stinging with tears as he dry heaves. His throat burns with each constriction, back arching and he can’t stand the foul taste in his mouth.

 

When he’s finally done, he crawls a few feet away and collapses onto the ground, too tired to do anything more. All he can smell is vomit but he can’t bring himself to care, not when he’s just trying to figure out how the hell he is supposed to fix any of this. The thing is, he doesn’t know how to do it, has no idea of where he is supposed to begin. Fili doesn’t know how to piece together Kili’s fractured trust in him, doesn’t know how to regain the openness that the brunet had gained around him. It’s all kinds of fucked up and all he can think of doing is apologizing, to say that he is sorry over and over again until his throat is bleeding from saying the words.

 

It’s in this state that Dwalin finds him, covered in dirt and staring up at the sky with glazed eyes, trying to find some sort of peace in nature. His beta doesn’t say a single thing, just leans against a nearby tree, watching and waiting. Fili thinks that his Beta will say something, break the silence to reprimand him some more or throw another punch at him. Nothing of the sort happens. Just placid silence.

 

“What do you want, Dwalin?”

 

“He still cares about you. Nearly bit my head off when I said something about challenging you. He forbade me to do so, actually.”

 

Fili doesn’t know what to say, so naturally he says nothing, refusing to look at Dwalin directly.

 

“I’m not going to challenge you. He told me not to and I won’t, because I have respect for him. But what you did Fili... it was wrong.”

 

A snarl tears through his throat as he turns his head slowly to look at Dwalin, anger rising up in his chest.

 

“Don’t you think I know that!? Don’t you know that I’ve gone over it a million times in my head?! I know exactly how badly I fucked up! I scared the shit out of him, traumatized him, just because whenever I hear Smaug’s name, all I can think about is how he ruined us!”

 

“Fili-“

 

“Kili deserves better than me, he needs a mate that’ll take care of him and won’t hurt him because all I’ve done is hurt him! That’s the only thing I’ve done since he’s been here, is to tear him apart and break him down into bits! I just wanted him to be happy, to-to feel safe and I wrecked it! So I don’t need you telling me how I’m a monster because I already know! I had this conversation with my mother already and I don’t need it again from you!”

 

“You’re not a monster, Fili. Yes, I’m royally pissed at you for what you did to Kili, but you’re only human. I know what Smaug’s name does to you, I know the pain that’s attached to it because I feel it just like you do. Kili didn’t know what it means to you, he didn’t know what it would do to you, but you shouldn’t have lost it like that.”

 

Fili doesn’t understand how Dwalin was so upset with him before and is now just standing in front of him with this cool but understanding anger. It doesn’t matter though. All that matters is what Kili thinks and Kili hates him now, thinks he’s a monster. The thoughts constrict his heart and deprive his brain of oxygen, but he knows them to be true, and he knows that he deserves it. He deserves everything that Kili has to throw at him, and he will bear it all because he knows that’s what he has to do if he ever wants Kili to trust him again.

 

Dwalin is about to speak when they hear the sound of wolf paws running through the forest, the familiar form of Ori crashing through the underbrush and quickly transforming before their eyes. His eyes are wide and he looks more than a little frantic, instantly stepping towards Fili.

 

“Dis sent me. Kili, he gave us the slip! He said he wanted to stay and now he’s just gone! You have to go after him!”

 

Fili’s heart sinks as he feels himself slowly falling apart, everything turning into a cold mess and he doesn’t know what to do or feel. His breathing is catching in his throat, lungs freezing up and he can’t breathe. Because Kili is gone and he ruined everything, he ruined it and he doesn’t deserve to fix it. Fingers of pain clench at his heart and make his insides tear up with agony, body shaking, because he did this, he made Kili run away.

 

“Fili, you need to go after him!” Dwalin hisses, but he can’t even think, can’t comprehend.

 

“I-I can’t go after him, I can’t make-make him stay! I told him I wouldn’t make him stay, I pr-promised him! I can’t do that to him! I can’t!”

 

Dwalin is instantly pulling him up, making him stand even though he doesn’t want to, his legs feel weak and he’s buckling at the knees, panic swirling up and gnawing at him. He can’t do it, he really, really can’t. Is this what Kili feels like? When the panic takes over and bleeds into your heart and brain until you go absolutely mindless? That’s when he feels the sharp crack against his cheek, yelping because the pain sings through him and cuts through the panic completely. Dwalin is holding him by the shoulders and growling at him, trying to get him out of freak-out mode.

 

“Go find him. He only has a few hours head start, you can catch up with him. But you need to go now, Fili. “

 

Somehow he manages to push the sweats down off of his body, allowing himself to go through the pulsing ache of the change so he can run after his mate. Dwalin looks like a swirl of faded colors, eyes bright as he makes a shooing gesture at Fili. Allowing himself one moment of hesitation, his muscles bunch up and tighten as he springs forward, paws pounding against the forest floor as he sniffs out the heady smell of his mate, determined to bring him back.

 

______________________

 

Kili doesn’t really know why he decides to leave. At first he tells himself that he’s just going to go into the woods to get some fresh air. To clear his head and make some space in his heart because everything feels so full at the moment. It doesn’t take long for the fear and pain to tingle it’s way through his mind, feelings of inky hurt latching onto his neurons and jolting him into action. He’s not even thinking about it when he goes through the change, allowing himself to become wolf.

 

And oh what a wonderful feeling it is! Everything feels so much nicer, the sharp stinging pain of his human mind dulling away into a barely-there emotion in his wolf form. The only thing Kili knows in this form is that he needs to run, to stretch his legs and be free because the human emotions are trying to burst out, but he won’t allow them. So he flees, runs and runs until his tongue is lolling out of his mouth, legs aching and throbbing though he refuses to stop. Kili needs to feel bone-weary, to feel the exhaustion slip into him and tear through everything inside of him.

 

His only thought is that maybe if he makes himself so unbelievably drained to the point of passing out, he’ll be able to slip into slumber, mind drifting away from the hurt and the ache inside of himself. And that’s indeed what it takes for him to finally stop, hours later, a small yip of pain escaping his maw as his legs give out beneath him mid-stride, body collapsing and rolling upon the ground. Twigs and dirt tangle up in his fur, legs twitching and muscles convulsing as his body rebels from the over-exertion. It hurts so badly but it feels so wonderful at the same time, his tongue lolling out and his brain not even comprehending that low whimpers are escaping from the back of his throat.

 

He isn’t sure how long he lays there, slipping in and out of consciousness for what feels like an eternity. Birds flitter through the trees, squirrels scrabbling along bark as they search for things to eat. It’s a hazy blur and he can barely feel a thing which is all that matters to him. During that time his body somehow manages to wrack up the energy to shift him back into human form, any energy he had stored up slipping away. He blacks out and when he wakes up again, he still feels hazy, and he knows that trying to get up isn’t even a question. Just the thought of trying to move makes him want to puke. The sun has slowly ebbed from the sky, the clusters of trees making the forest dark around him. Slight prickles of fear spread across his skin because he knows that he’s completely defenseless in his current state, unable to move or even defend himself.

 

It makes sense then, that he would feel his heart stutter when a branch snaps close by, his eyes widening as he lets out a small whine. Feebly he tries to pull himself up in an attempt to at least try to protect himself. But it doesn’t matter because just trying to put weight on his arm in an attempt to lift himself up makes it so that he is slamming back down into the ground, lips parting in a moan. Whatever it is that is out there is coming closer, their presence making the hair on his arms begin to rise up in reaction. His heart is pounding and contracting in resigned terror and maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all...

 

“Kili?”

 

A sharp gasp sails through his lungs at the sound of Fili’s voice, the fear slipping away and turning into a mix of confusion, sadness, and anger. Honestly, the only thing he can bring himself to care about is the fact that he’s not about to get attacked by another skinchanger or an animal. When he goes to reply, his mouth opens up but nothing comes out but a raspy breath, unable to speak words.

 

“Is it... Is it okay if I touch you Kili?”

 

In his current predicament he can’t really be picky, so he manages to nod his head ever so slightly, exhaustion playing at the corners of his mind. Warm hands slowly press against his skin, gently moving him into a sitting position, his back pressed up against Fili’s warm chest. It doesn’t take long for fingers to start carding through his hair, picking out twigs and leaves in silence.

 

“I’m really sorry Kili. I’m sorry that I fucked things up so badly that you felt like you needed to run away. I just... I’m sorry that I drove you to this, but-but everyone in the pack really cares about you, and.. and you don’t have to come back for me because I don’t- I just- Go back for them? I won’t go near you nor will I tell you what to do. You can be your own entity within the pack.”

 

Kili can barely comprehend what is going on, he’s so tired and his head feels so sluggish, the words sinking in slowly but he still can’t put them together to get them to make sense. Instead he lets out a little whine, slumping tiredly against Fili. The blond doesn’t say anything at all, just pats at his hair while Kili tries his hardest to form coherent words.

 

“T-tired.”

 

Fili seems to be surprised by the response, fingers stilling as he watches the brunet.

 

“Sleep. I’ll keep you safe. We can talk later.. I-I mean.. if you want..”

 

Sleep presses soft fingers against his eyelids, dragging them down until they are closed. Fili is murmuring something in his ear but he doesn’t understand it, already too far gone as he slips away. All that matters right now is sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

Everything is coated with a deep ache, one that stings in his muscles and pulls at every joint of his body. A gasp escapes his lips as Kili’s eyes flick open, a whimper escaping him as he tries to move. Arcs of pain race up his nerves, brain screaming _“Don’t do that you moron!!”_ After the pain settles down a bit it takes him another moment to remember exactly where he is, eyes taking in the unfamiliar forest around him. He wants to leave but he can’t because it hurts so badly, and it’s not until he feels the shifting behind him that he remembers that Fili is there with him.

 

Somehow it just makes things even worse because he knows that he isn’t going to be able to get anywhere unless he has Fili’s help. “ _Well this is going to suck,”_ he thinks sullenly. It takes a few minutes but eventually he can tell that Fili is awake, arms shifting around Kili’s middle. He doesn’t want to be the first one to say anything, so he just sits there leaning against Fili, waiting.

 

“You awake, Kili?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

That’s all he offers and part of him feels bad about that. The other part of him doesn’t feel a damn bit of guilt because Fili is the one who caused all of this anyways. It’s only making things more uncomfortable, but he really can’t bring himself to say anything to the blond, not when he still feels the ache inside of his chest. And he understands things better now, knows about Smaug, but it still hurts, it still stings and burns his heart because Fili had hurt him. Kili isn’t sure if he’s capable of forgiveness anymore, isn’t sure that he can find himself to be capable of real emotion because he is just so exhausted and traumatized.

 

Fili silently shifts him a bit, moving his arms away from Kili and trying his best to keep the contact between them at a minimum. He’s not an idiot, he can tell easily that Kili doesn’t want anything to do with him. Kili just sits there and goes over and over in his mind that he can’t allow himself to look at Fili because he knows that if he does, any resolve that he has will break. It’s terrible because his beast wants Fili so badly, wants the comfort of his touch but Kili aches so badly inside and out that he doesn’t even know what he’s feeling anymore.

 

“Kili.. just tell me what you need? I’ll do whatever you want. We can stay here, I can help you get somewhere else, we can go back to the house and get you some clothes. I have a few cars sitting around. You can take one and head back to the city...”

 

Kili stiffens at the words because he feels like they’re a blatant dismissal, like Fili really does want nothing to do with him. He wants to let out a sharp whine, a low wail that will burn through his insides but he can't, he can’t figure out how to vocalize it because does it really even matter anymore?

 

“I don’t.. I don’t want you to stay if you don’t want to.. I’ve fucked things up so bad, and I just.. I can help you find a different pack if you think that it’ll be better for you. Or like I said before.. you can.. you can stay with the pack, and I won’t.. You can have a room in the house, and you don’t have to ever see me or talk to me if you don’t want to.”

 

It makes Kili feel sick because he knows that he just wants Fili, but all the options the blond is giving him all involve separation. So Fili... he really doesn’t want him anymore, doesn’t want to deal with how he has to tiptoe around the brunet, trying to not set him off. Maybe Fili can’t handle being tied down to him, can’t handle them being mates and it makes everything feel so much worse because despite it all, Fili is his mate. And Fili.. Fili doesn’t want him.

 

“Why can’t I have you?” He doesn’t mean for it to slip out like that, with a low whisper full of pain. Hell, he hates himself for letting the words out because it’s an admission that he can’t deny their connection, can’t hate Fili as much as he wants to because it’s moot. Fili is his, is Kili’s on a level that runs bone deep, sinking into the very marrow and he knows that he will never be able to give the blond up, not really. There have been so many terrible things that have happened but just being around Fili gives him peace. Fili feels like home, feels like comfort and family and Fili is the only thing that he's wanted for a very long time.

 

“I- Kili-“

 

“Will you just shut up and listen to me for five seconds, Fili? For five seconds where you actually listen to me talk and take it all in and you don’t try to interrupt me?”

Fili doesn’t even say a thing, just lets out a little whine at the back of his throat, one that rings of submission. He takes a few moments to gather his thoughts before he speaks, trying to knit the thoughts in his mind together so that they might make some kind of sense when he spills them all out.

 

“You.. You are probably the biggest accidental asshole I have ever met. I tell you all about my fucked up past, and then you.. you just throw it all back at me. Then you cry and beg for forgiveness, and it’s really a recurring theme with you and it’s exhausting, Fili. But.... Dis told my why you got so upset with me. She told me about Smaug and everything that happened, and I can understand that you were scared and upset. So I guess.. I’m still really pissed at you about the whole thing but I.. I just.. I get it.”

 

“Kili-“

 

The small brunet growls at the interruption, the only thing he can do when his body is in such a sorry state. Thankfully Fili takes the hint, snaps his mouth shut and sits quietly behind him.

 

“Even though you’re a massive idiot, you’re still the best thing that’s happened to me. And well.. I just.. you made a mistake, and you messed up, and I don’t.. I shouldn’t judge you just on that. I don’t.. I don’t want people to just judge me on the fact that I worked for Smaug. I don’t want to be a hypocrite, and as much as I want to hate you I honestly can’t bring myself to do it so you’re just stuck with me now, okay? It takes too much energy to hate you. But you can’t try to get rid of me and you can’t tell me that it’s okay for me to leave because I need you to want me, alright? Because you’re the only person who has ever wanted me and I can’t.. god you’re such a dumb ass but I need you Fee.”

 

And it’s hard for him to do, to bare himself open when he’s already hurting and aching but he needs Fili, needs him like a drug and it might not be the healthiest thing in the world but he doesn’t even care anymore. All that matters is that with Fili, he can see himself getting better, and that’s not something that he ever thought could be possible. He’s willing to forgive and forget, he’s willing to do anything at all at this point because Kili has come to the realization that now that he’s found Fili, he can’t bear the thought of giving him up. The very idea of never seeing his pretty blue eyes or his gorgeous golden hair again, it makes him feel sick, makes tears well up at the corners of his eyes because for better or worse, he is Fili’s and Fili is his.

 

“I- Kili, I don’t know what to.. to say, you don’t- you don’t have to forgive me, I’ve been an ass and I-“

 

“You kept saying sorry because you wanted to make things right again, correct?”

 

“Yes, but-“

 

“And you wanted me to forgive you?”

 

“Yes..”

 

“This is me forgiving you. So accept it.”

 

Fili doesn’t know what to say because he thought it would be more difficult than this, thought that he would have to sell his very soul to be able to get Kili to ever really speak to him again. And now.. now his mate is forgiving him, giving him a second chance and Fili doesn’t feel like he deserves it a single damn bit. But he can’t bring himself to question it, not when everything is so fragile between them right now.

 

“I.. thank you Kili. I-I’ll be better. I swear to you, I’ll be better, I won’t- I won’t hurt you like that again.”

 

Kili snorts at the words, part of him wanting to smack Fili upside the head and the other half just wanting to latch onto him and hold him.

 

“You better not, or I’ll be the one challenging you for alpha, sweet pea.”

 

He doesn’t know where the nickname comes from, but now that he’s said it he knows that it fits Fili wonderfully. Fili doesn’t even try to protest it, just mumbles some form of acceptance because he knows without a doubt that Kili would challenge him in a heartbeat if he ever broke his own law like that again.

 

“So.. What do you want to do now?”

 

Fili’s voice is hesitant, arms slowly coiling around Kili’s waist as if he’s afraid to be snapped at, but a reprimand never comes. So he gently pulls Kili closer, rubs his face into the back of his neck and nuzzles into his hair, pressing little kisses against the warm skin because his wolf is telling him that he still needs to make up for things, that he needs to show Kili how sorry he is.

 

“Can you.. help me get back to the house? I can’t.. my body just hurts really, really bad from all the running. So.. help me?”

 

“I’ll try to do it as easily as I can..”

 

And Fili does try his best to be gentle, tries to keep his grip light as he pulls Kili up, but he still manages to make the brunet hiss in pain anyways. He hates the noise and all he wants to do is flutter his hands around Kili, but he knows that he won’t appreciate it one bit.

 

“Are you sure you’re okay to walk?”

 

Kili won’t look at him, lips slightly parted and his eyes focused in on the forest floor. Limbs shake, shivers wracking through his body and Fili can’t help the stinging regret that flows through him because he knows that this is all happening because of his stupid mistake. Fili isn’t feeling 100% himself, but Kili is a wreck in comparison.

 

“I think.. I think I can make it a bit better if you let me wrap my arm around your shoulder,” Kili murmurs, slowly reaching his arm up towards Fili. His own arm is sliding around thin shoulders as Fili tries to take as much of Kili’s weight as he can, trying to ignore the quivering muscles because each convulsion makes him feel another twinge of self-hatred.

 

“Is this alright?”

 

Kili doesn’t bother to say anything, just nods his head in response and clenches his jaw as they begin to move forward. In all honesty, it’s a painful thing to be a part of. Fili wants nothing more than to just carry his mate, to hold him and bring him back to the house, but he can’t even bring himself to ask. He’s terrified to hurt Kili, whether it be physically or emotionally. Yet every single step makes the struggle inside of himself grow stronger, each time Kili trips on a root, or his fingers catch on trees in an attempt to hold himself up better.. each instance makes Fili want to make Kili stop.

 

It’s not until half an hour later that Fili finally breaks, heart pounding after he barely manages to catch Kili from falling on his face. The last thing he wants is to come off as a commanding asshole, but when it comes to Kili being so hurt and miserable.. he’s willing to come off as a jerk, even if Kili hates him again for it.

 

“Either we stay right here and you get some more rest, or you let me carry you, Kili, because you can’t keep going like this. And just.. please, please don’t try to deny it? You’re shaking and I can’t.. I’ve already hurt you and I don’t want you to hurt yourself, so just pick one? Whatever one you want, whatever makes you feel comfortable.”

 

Kili grumbles something that he can’t quite catch, but Fili is almost positive that it isn’t anything nice. Either way, he refuses to move another inch until he gets some kind of coherent response from Kili.

 

“I guess you can carry me...”

 

Surprise hits him like a tidal wave, eyebrows shooting up and he can barely believe that Kili would be willing to let him carry him back home. After everything that had happened, he didn’t even deserve to be speaking to Kili, let alone be given the privilege of carrying him. He’s terrified and he still feels so lost. He doesn’t know where he stands with Kili, because despite the brunet ‘not being able to give him up’ it doesn’t really tell him where they’re at.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“No, Fili, I didn’t mean it at all.” Brown eyes glare and Fili can’t help the flush that spreads across his cheeks.

 

“I’m just-“

 

“Shut up, Fili.”

 

His mouth snaps shut and he mentally keeps telling himself over and over again to just stop trying to talk because he’s just making things worse. So instead of telling Kili that he’s going to pick him up, he slowly but hesitantly crouches down, Kili’s hand moving to grasp weakly onto his shoulder. One arm presses up against the back of Fili’s knees as he sweeps the brunet’s legs out, standing up as his other arm curls around and holds up Kili’s shoulders.

 

His mate makes a little meeping noise as muscles twinge, but besides that he doesn't make another noise. If Fili is happy about anything, it’s that he has to look ahead so he can watch where he’s going, meaning that he can’t look at Kili. Said brunet is stiff in his arms, holding himself tense and almost trying to lean away from him. It hurts more than Fili is willing to admit, but he instantly shoots the thought down, doesn’t dare say a damn thing because he’s an insensitive ass and he should feel bad after everything that had happened.

 

It’s quiet and they don’t say a thing to one another, just bask in the sounds of the forest as they are lost in their own minds. Even if Fili did want so speak, he would have no idea of what to say besides to continue to apologize over and over. So he says nothing, just listens to Kili’s steady breaths and the pulsing heartbeats that emanate from the brunet’s chest.

 

“Do you miss him?”

 

Silence is broken by the hesitant question, Fili not even understanding what it is that Kili is trying to ask him about.

 

“I- what?”

 

“Your Uncle. The one you banished from the pack.”

 

He’s not expecting the question, memories flowing up that he’d rather not think about. Memories of him laughing and smiling with Thorin, his Uncle tossing him up in the air and catching him as a baby, the day he helped Fili to make his first kill because his father had been at work, or the time they tracked mud all over the house and his mom had yelled at them for making such a huge mess. It’s like feeling salt being pressed against an open sore; it burns and throbs in a way that he can’t deal with.

 

Darker memories are what he thinks of next; the complete and utter lack of remorse from his uncle, the burning hatred and the utter greed. It wasn’t good enough that they already had a nice home. All that mattered was what had been stolen. That man didn’t care about the loss of life, didn’t care about safety, and sure as hell didn’t care about keeping the pack together. In the end, vengeance and been the one thing that Thorin had cared about most. It embittered him and ruined him, made him into a man that Fili couldn’t even recognize anymore. And yet...

 

“I miss how he was. I miss the good times, where he’d take me hunting or would show me how to look over the finances of the pack. When he would help me make a mess of the house, and then he’d hide me away from my mom and dad. Those are the only things that I miss about him.”

 

“So you don’t wish he was still here?”

 

“No. He’s not the man he was. He’s a shadow of himself, and he’s done terrible things in the name of justice and vengeance. At the end of his time as Alpha.. he was self-serving and didn’t give a damn about who in the pack would get hurt. I just.. I don’t have respect for that. And that.. that’s why I hate myself for what I did to you, Kili. Because.. because I feel like Thorin, like I didn’t respect you and I let my hatred for Smaug take over. I let myself be like him, Kili, and it terrifies me.”

 

He hates admitting it, the dark and filthy truths that he knows lie within his heart. But he needs to get the words out so he can feel like he is trying to come clean, if not for himself than at least for Kili. Minutes pass by without Kili saying a thing, and he worries about what Kili might be thinking.

 

“I’m sorry he did that to you.”

 

“It’s not your fault, you don’t have to feel sorry.”

 

“Well I’m sorry _for_ you. It doesn’t change anything but.. well the sentiment is there, I guess.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

He wants to continue talking but he’s not willing to try and broach anything, not when Fili feels like everything is so fragile and breakable around him. Either way, it doesn’t end up mattering for soon enough Kili is falling asleep in his arms, face pressed against his chest and muscles finally going lax. It’s a long walk, longer with Kili in his arms, but it doesn’t matter to Fili as long as he can get Kili home. That’s the only thing that matters anymore.

 

 

**TBC**

* * *

 

And so another chapter ends! Send me some feedback if you would like to, and hit me up at letterstoshakespear.tumblr.com if the mood strikes you! Have a good day! 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, sorry for the late update!!! I've been very busy with college (when am I not?) but I finally have this chapter done! Thanks to my beta, Legolaslover1, who takes the time to look over and correct all my dumb mistakes! <3 <3 
> 
> In this chapter the pack terminology that I used is from the Anita Blake book series by Laurell K. Hamilton. 
> 
> Anyways, thanks everyone for coming back to read some more! Leave me feedback, pretty please, because I live off of it :D 
> 
> Have a great day and happy reading to all! <3

He walks for what feels like hours with Kili in his arms, body quivering and jerking ever so slightly as his muscles try to recover from exhaustion. Fili tries to focus on his breathing, the air whistling in and out of his lungs, the sounds of the birds around him, his feet padding across the forest floor, the scrabbling of little claws on bark, the chittering of squirrels and the swaying trees. He tries to focus on anything that isn’t the guilt gnawing away inside of him.

 

There isn’t a doubt in Fili’s mind that this entire ordeal is completely and entirely his fault. If he’d been a better person, a better mate and a better Alpha… none of this would have happened. Control was key, something any born skinchanger began to learn from birth. Of course there were slip-ups, moments of weakness and complete takeovers by the beast. Some never learned complete control while others barely kept their beasts contained. But he was an Alpha, a leader, and he should be better than this. But he isn’t, and it kills him.

 

It’s whilst he’s in the middle of his internal battle of trying to ignore the guilt and figure out what he should do that he feels Kili stir in his arms. Fili watches as brown eyes blink open ever so slowly, glazed over with the haze of sleep. Lips part slowly and a small breath ghosts out, body shifting as the brunet goes to speak.

 

“Fee? Where are we?”

 

“Not far away from home. Maybe forty-five minutes, an hour at most.”

 

Kili’s face fills with confusion, turning his head slightly to take in his surroundings. Brown eyes dart up to the sky, taking in the position of the sun before his eyes narrow and he glares at Fili. Kili smacks the blond lightly on the arm, lips pulled into a pout as he lets out a little growl. Fili goes to respond but the glaring brunet cuts him off quickly.

 

“You’ve been walking this entire time?”

 

“Yeah. I just… I want to get you back to the house so you can rest somewhere comfortable. It would take longer with you walking and like I said, I just want you to be comfortable. And you’ll be in the room next to Ori, so he’ll make sure that-“

 

“Put me down.”

 

The command startles Fili but he doesn’t try to protest, knowing by Kili’s stiffened posture that his mate is definitely pissed off. He can feel the waves of anger rolling off of the brunet, flashes of pain flickering through the air and it’s enough to make Fili want to cringe away. How was it that one person could keep fucking things up like this? He doesn’t bother to think about it for very long, setting Kili down gently on his legs. Said brunet sways on his feet for a moment but soon regains his balance.

 

“Kili-“

 

“Shut up and listen to me.”

 

Brown eyes are narrowed, a scowl is painted on his face and sharp pointed teeth bare towards him. He’s being reprimanded by his mate and the feeling settles solidly in his gut, a light whine escaping him as his blue eyes look down meekly at the forest floor.

 

“Why are you trying so hard to push me away?”

 

Eyes dart up and Fili’s mouth opens wide in protest, words trying to get out but he feels like he’s chocking on them, pointed angles and rounded vowels enmeshing so that he can’t get a damn thing out.

 

“I- Kili I don’t mean to… I just...”

 

“You just what? Don’t listen to anything I say? Because I told you before, I need you. You mean... you mean everything to me and I wasn’t kidding, okay? I’m still upset with you but I forgive you and I just need you, alright? I need you to stop pushing me away because it just makes it worse and I need you to want me around, Fili. I need you to care and I need you to want me because I can’t… I can’t do this any other way and I know it’s bad and unhealthy but I just... Why don’t you _want_ me?”

 

“Of course I care! Of course I want you! I want to hold you and hug you, give you kisses and make you smile and laugh but I want it so much that I don’t know when I’m crossing a boundary! I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, to make you feel scared and frightened because I know that I’ve done that enough already! I just... I don’t want to push you and I thought that you taking a room in the main house would make you feel safer, that’s all!”

 

“I want _you_ , you dolt! So stop trying to push me away, alright?! You make me feel good and it’s more than just being mates with you! I feel put together when I’m around you and I don’t want to lose that because of uncontrolled tempers and fighting! We both screwed up, it happened, it’s in the past!”

 

Fili is struck once again with how beautiful a soul Kili has. How was it that someone who was so broken could be so full of compassion and love and such astounding levels of forgiveness? He can’t bring himself to question it, selfish enough to just be happy that Kili is willing to give him the time of day at this point. He’s willing to be selfish if it means that Kili will stay. 

 

“You take my breath away. You’re so beautiful and gentle. After everything you’ve been through, and you’re just so good Kili. I could only ever hope to attain such a pure heart as yours. And I’m just... I’ll take anything you’ll give me because I’m greedy and I need you as well.”

 

Kili still looks sour but his expression smooths out the tiniest bit, cheeks going a little pink before he looks down at the ground, feet shuffling the tiniest bit.

 

“Just shut up and work on being better for me,” the brunet mumbles.

 

“I promise I will. And I know that my word probably means shit, but... well I mean it this time.”

 

Kili doesn’t say anything, just nods his head and looks away. A curtain of brown hair falls around his shoulders, hiding his face from Fili’s sight. Part of him wants to run his fingers through the unruly tresses, to brush them back so he can see the face that invades his dreams every night when he falls asleep. The other part of him doesn’t want to touch Kili because the idea of initiating a touch is something that he doesn’t want to think about, because what if Kili didn’t want him to touch him? What if he made Kili go into a flashback, or scared him, or-

 

“What are you thinking about?”

 

Brown eyes are staring into his own, confusion flowing through and Fili can’t make himself look away. As he stares he picks up hidden colors within the depths of Kili’s eyes; little flecks of amber that spider through, russet drops and caramel swirls. They’re gorgeous, warm like apple pie and completely open.

 

“I’m scared.”

 

The words drop from his lips unbidden, his mind yelling at him for letting himself speak before he thought about what he was going to say. Kili just looks at him, staring into him with those beautiful eyes that seem to look through his entire being, looking past flesh and bone to see his soul. It’s unnerving, the way Kili’s inner beast slowly pushes outwards, his spiritual form worming its way against Fili’s skin, sinking into his very being and tangling with his own beast.

 

“K-Kili... What are you doing?”

 

“I don’t want you to be scared. My beast can make you feel safe if we’re mates. Will you... will you tell me why you’re afraid?”

 

The question comes hesitantly, concern and uncertainty edging around Kili’s face. Fili doesn’t say anything for a moment, licking his lips as he tries to think of how he wants to word the sudden fears that have swelled up inside of him. Little fears that came together to make a mish-mash of bigger ones.

 

“I’m... I’m afraid that if I touch you, I’ll... I’ll make you have a flashback. I’m afraid to come up behind you and place my hand on your shoulder, to reach out and tuck your hair back. I’m afraid that sleeping next to you in a bed will give you nightmares. I’m afraid that if… if things turn more sexual between us, that I’ll screw things up and I’ll make you hate me or afraid or... I don’t want to hurt you and I feel like if I do any of that, just little things... that it’ll turn into a mess and you’ll hate me and I’ll remind you of what happened. I’m afraid to hurt you and I don’t know what will.”

 

“You don’t want to touch me?” Kili looks at him with wide hurt eyes, arms wrapping tightly around his middle. It feels like he’s made another mistake, but honestly he needed to tell the truth, to communicate, because it was the only way to fix things. He can't hide his fears, not about this, because he can't ever let himself hurt Kili again. Never again. 

 

“No, it’s not that I don’t want to touch you! There’s nothing I want more than to touch you but I just...  I’m afraid to. I’m afraid to touch you because I don’t know what kind of reaction I’ll get from you, because I don’t want you to have flashbacks or feel uncomfortable. And I just... I feel like whenever I try to touch you, things just always end... well, they end up worse.”

 

Fili is just trying to be honest, to share what he’s feeling because this is hard for him too. He’s never dealt with something like this, never had to worry about someone who had flashbacks and anxiety attacks over things that seemed so inconsequential to others. How was he supposed to give comfort to someone who didn’t like touches all that much? He feels like he’s on an iced over lake that is cracking and breaking apart. A wrong step could cause him to smash everything apart, to rip apart the brittle little ice pieces that made up Kili. So he needs to watch every step, to stay safe so he can get through the lake without falling through or tearing Kili apart. He doesn’t know how to do it.

 

“Everything always ends up going back to me being raped. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by that.”

 

Kili’s voice is rough with anger, brittle with a bittersweet emotion, but despite the angry facade Fili can see the tears that well up at the corners of his eyes, the crumpling of his face into a pain-ridden boy who just needed love and attention.

 

“I’m so tired of being dirty, of being sullied by it and I can’t even – I can’t even do things right with you because I’m so fucked up. I hate it, because I want… I want you to touch me and to... to do all of those things but I can’t promise that I won’t have a bad reaction. I’m trying to get better, to work through it, and sometimes it can be hard but I don’t want it to scare you away...”

 

It’s ironic because Fili catches himself being torn between hugging the brunet and leaving him be, unsure of what he should do. But it’s obvious by the slump of Kili’s shoulders, the tears in his eyes, and the quivering of his lower lip that it doesn’t matter, that Kili needs contact right now. Three small steps and his arms are wrapping around Kili’s body, fingers carding through his hair and chests pressed together warmly. Their inner beasts mingle together, rolling and pulsing at being close to one another.

 

A small sigh of content rolls through Kili’s body, his forehead moving to rest against Fili’s shoulder as brown eyes flicker closed. Fili keeps his open, taking in and watching the brunet, eyes gazing fondly over the form of his mate.

 

“You can always touch me like this,” Kili mumbles, warm breath ghosting over Fili’s chest. The heated air sends shivers up the back of his spine, and he’s never been so aware of being naked before in his life. Kili makes him feel uncomfortable in his own skin because the brunet is so very alien to him. He thinks that maybe it’s a good kind of uncomfortable. It makes Fili think.

 

“Just don’t sneak up on me, okay? You can hug me and touch me all you want, just make sure I know you’re there, that I’m not lost in my head, okay?”

 

There’s a desperate plea within Kili’s words, one that makes Fili’s heart ache even more than it already had been. It’s surprising to him that the human soul was capable of withstanding so much pain and agony. So many emotional scars and trauma that only ever half healed.

 

“I can do that,” he murmurs, fingers running idly down the curve of Kili’s spine.

 

They stand as still as trees in the forest, taking in the touches of comfort and the slow curling of their beasts. They stay like that for a good while, until Fili shifts slightly and pulls away from Kili, blue eyes soft with amusement as he looks into Kili’s own dazed eyes.

 

“We should head back now. Everyone will be worried about you.”

 

The fog of tiredness slowly slips away from Kili’s eyes, a bright spark of awareness bursting forth as he hesitantly bites at his lip.

 

“Did I... Are they all mad at you now... be-because of me?”

 

“If everyone knew the whole story then I’m sure... I’m sure that they would hate me. They should hate me, Kili, what I did was inexcusable. My mother, Uncle, and Dwalin might be the only three that know everything, but the rest of the pack… they heard you crying, they know that I did something terrible and that’s all they need.”

 

Kili looks at him with wide brown eyes, brows pulling down as his lips tighten into a thin lined frown. It’s cute, how his nose scrunches up and his fingers tighten against his skin. Fili is in the midst of trying to decide if Kili’s reaction is his beast’s animal instinct or just natural emotion when the brunet begins to speak.

 

“I’ll talk to them.”

 

“Kili, you don’t-“

 

“I’m going to talk to them, and I’ll tell them that it was a miscommunication. That I was having a nightmare or something and I thought you were someone from it and I was screaming and freaking out. I’ll think of something.”

 

Fili looks at him with wide eyes, body tense as he looks at Kili, shaking his head furiously.

 

“No, Kili, you can’t cover this up for me, you can’t – they have a reason to be mad at me, a legitimate reason to hate me!”

 

“Well I don’t want them to hate you, and I’m not going to let them hate you. This… this thing is between the two of us, not the pack. I know you screwed up, fucked up royally, actually, but it doesn’t involve them.”

 

“Kili, I made a rule, a law of the pack that no one was to hurt you and I did it myself! I broke my own rule! It’s... it’s sacrilegious! Blasphemous! I punished Bifur for what he did to you and I-“

 

“Stop. Listen to me,” Kili murmurs, pressing a finger against Fili’s lips. Grumbling, the blond allows himself to be shushed, Kili keeping his finger in place as keeps talking.

 

“I’ve never been in a true pack before, Fili. I’m used to living alone, living without pack rules. So you’re going to have to try and change, alright? You and the pack, you all need to understand that things are different for me and I’m going to do things the way that I need to. So I’m going to tell them that it was a misunderstanding. I’m going to let them love you just as they always have because you’re still their Alpha, a good Alpha. Everyone makes mistakes, and you shouldn’t have your placement as leader be taken away from you just because you screwed up, Fee.”

 

“Kili that’s – I know you mean well, I really, really do, but I... I should step down because I messed up. I shouldn’t hide that, I shouldn’t-“

 

“Your personal life doesn’t involve them, okay?! I know that they’re your pack, and that I’m a part of it, but they don’t get to insert themselves into our relationship, our whatever the hell it is that we have going on! It’s different! Your pack law had to do with them not hurting me, not you hurting me! So shut the hell up about it and let me defend you!”

 

Kili is snarling and seething at this point, sharp teeth bared once more and eyes flickering between the warm brown of his own and the sharp contrast of the glowing amber of his wolf. His fingernails have turned to claws that bite into his skin, little dribbles of blood spilling out. Fili’s own beast emerges from inside, a low growl rumbling through his chest as his eyes meet Kili’s. They stand facing each other, beasts swirling as they growl at one another, Fili making a move to shift his arm higher up Kili’s side but it turns out to be the wrong thing to do. Sharp incisors snap towards his face, a small roar of anger escaping the brunet’s distorted face.

 

Fili instantly freezes in place, his inner beast grumbling and growling but mostly under wraps now that Kili’s beast has asserted itself, Alpha power is being used against him and its been years since Fili has had another Alpha put him in his place. It rankles, makes his skin itch and crawl because he is the Alpha, the leader of the pack, the dominant one, and Kili should be his Lupa, his mate that is supposed to follow the pack dynamic. Apparently Kili had never gotten that memo.

 

“I’ll allow it this once. But if I ever do something like that again, I _will_ tell them, Kili. It’s how things work in the pack; it’s all about the submissive trying to become the dominant and the dominant trying to get places of power. That’s how packs work. If you’re not fit for the position you get knocked down unless you agree to resign.”

 

Hands tear away from his skin, Kili’s arms are thrown up into the air as he growls angrily, stomping away and growling low in his throat.

 

“Fine! Stick with your ludicrous, archaic bullshit! I’ll be living in the 21st century, where people talk things out before they go gung-ho on beating the shit out of one another!”

 

Blue eyes watch as Kili stomps away, surprisingly in the correct direction towards home. It might be antagonizing of him, but Fili can’t help but continue to talk of pack dynamics. He needs to make sure that Kili understands. 

 

“Do you know anything at all about pack dynamics, Kili?”

 

“Fili, I’m going to clock you upside that pretty little head if you don’t get it through your thick, stupid skull that I am going to make this go away, alright?”

 

“I get that! I just... do you understand pack dynamics? The positions? Because you need to know them and what they entail, Kili...”

 

“I don’t know a lot about them, okay? I only ever dealt with Smaug and his... his enforcers. The ones who always told the rest of us what was required and... and I saw the… the punisher a few times... his name’s Azog and he’d... I saw him punish a few people; I’ve seen him kill a few. ”

 

“Smaug has a punisher in his pack? With how much of a gluttonous villain he is, I thought he’d get off on inflicting punishments himself.”

 

Kili snorts at that, pausing in his steps as he crosses his arms against his chest, a twisted laugh escaping from his lips.

 

“You expect Smaug to do his own dirty work? No. He has a punisher because he’s the Alpha and he doesn’t need to lower himself to meting out punishment. Why bloody his own hands when he could have someone else dirty their own? And Azog, he revels in it, loves being punisher so he can torture and kill whomever he likes. As long as the job gets done, Smaug doesn’t care.”

 

 

A haunted look floods into brown eyes, little shivers running through Kili as he stares off into the woods, his eyes widening as he disappears into his memories. Guilt instantly floods through Fili because he doesn’t want his mate to get lost in dark memories.

 

“Kili? Lets just… lets just go home, okay? No more bad memories just... we can go home and shower. Clean up and get something to eat, maybe spend some time with the pack? We can put on a movie and just sit on the couch, have a nice distraction from everything that’s been going on.”

 

Slowly, Kili is coaxed out of his memories, nodding his head slightly as he takes stumbling steps back to Fili, eyes downcast as he leans into the blond’s side.

 

“Okay. But it has to be funny.”

 

“Whatever you want, Kee.”

 

* * *

 

 

It takes them a while to get back, but they do manage it. The sun is almost down when they get back, Balin and Bofur running perimeter and Frerin coming out of the front door to meet them. Fili waves him off, Kili waving hesitantly before the two make their way into the addition. Showering turns into another miniature battle, Kili refusing to go last because he knows that if he falls asleep Fili won’t wake him up.

 

In the end they find themselves both in the bathroom, Kili sitting on the floor after he’s done, waiting for Fili to get out so that they can go get food. It makes absolutely no sense to him but Fili just goes along with it, grumbling the entire time. Meanwhile Kili sits on the floor, hair wrapped up in a towel and body encased in sweatpants and a shirt that hangs off of his shoulder.

 

After that it takes a bit of negotiating to decide how exactly they’re going to play things off once they see the rest of the pack. Fili still wants to try and step down but Kili point blank refuses to go along with it.

 

“Kili, this isn’t right, I just need to-“

 

“Will you just stop with the hero complex? With the need to sacrifice yourself? I mean, Jesus Fili, you’re allowed to mess up! You’re allowed to be selfish every once in a while! So get over it and let me tell them that things are okay,” Kili hisses, teeth bared, body so close to Fili’s that they are only a hair’s breadth away from touching. The blond huffs, scowling as he stares Kili down.

 

“How am I supposed to be a good Alpha if I can’t even follow my own rules!?”

 

“Fili, no one always follows their own rules! Everyone manipulates the system! You messed up, so just do better next time, alright? Now I’m going to go and get some food, so come out whenever you’re done sulking.”

 

The brush that Kili had previously been using is thrown at him, his hands barely managing to catch it as his mate walks out of the room, back ramrod straight and anger curling off of him in almost tangible waves. Fili still doesn’t like this whole thing, he feels like a fraud in not telling the truth of what happened, but at this point he’ll do anything that Kili asks of him. Anything that will get his mate to trust him again.

 

So he follows after Kili with a drawn out sigh, bare feet padding along on the floors as the skinny brunet leads the way to the kitchen. It dawns on him that a few days ago, Kili would never have felt comfortable enough to do this, to walk around the house without being anxiety ridden and fearful. It brings a slight tinge of happiness to him, helping to blot out a bit of the guilt that he is riddled with.

 

It all comes flooding back easily enough, though, when Kili walks into the kitchen with Fili close behind, those of the pack that are sitting around the table freezing in their motions. The room goes oddly silent, Tirra and Nori stopping mid-conversation as they look at them. Frerin looks blank-faced and Dwalin much the same, and even Bombur is looking on with a stony expression.

 

If it bothers Kili, he doesn’t show it at all, putting on a bright smile and looking at everyone with warm and happy eyes. Fili has never noticed how good of an actor Kili can be until now. Dis is the first one to make a move.

 

“Kili... is everything alright?” her voice is soft, eyes darting towards Fili before she looks back at Kili.

 

“Everything is fine. It was just a miscommunication that spiraled out of control, that’s all. But we’ve worked things out. It’s not 100% fine but things are... decent.”

 

Fili tries his hardest to not look like he’s completely guilty, attempting to look contrite and admonished, not giving away that internally he is screaming at himself that he shouldn’t be the Alpha, not when everyone is eyeing him the way that they are. He can’t believe that his mother, Dwalin, and Frerin are going along with this, not calling him out or demanding for him to tell the truth. Whispers of doubt keep trickling through his mind, admonishing words and screaming insults of how he is underserving after what he’s done.

 

“Are you sure you’re alright, Kili? It’s just that... well, we did overhear how upset you were the other night... it was a bit difficult not to...” Tirra is the one who says what is on everyone else’s minds, voice hesitant and eyes lingering on Kili.

 

Bright red instantly blossoms across Kili’s cheeks, his eyes dropping to the floor and his teeth biting at his lower lip. Fili can’t even believe that his mate is truly going to stick through this, part of him wanting to interrupt him and just tell the truth of what happened. But he knows that it isn’t entirely his story to tell and he can’t deal with making Kili angry with him again.

 

So he stands and watches, eyes trained on Kili as the brunet rubs at his arm and continues to look down like he is completely embarrassed, like maybe if he stares long enough the floor will open up and swallow him whole.

 

“I uhm… I just... I’ve had some really bad things happen to me in the past... and I... I had a nightmare, and when I woke up I thought it was still going on, so when... when Fili tried to calm me down I thought that he was the person from my dream and I just... I freaked out and then some things were said and it just really spiraled out of control. But I really promise, I’m completely fine, and Fili and I’ve talked and things are better now.” 

 

Everyone seems to swallow the lie down easily; hesitant little smiles breaking out on their faces. Dwalin nods his head, but he can see from his mother and Uncle’s expressions that they aren’t very happy with him right now. He tries his best to not let it get to him, instead turning to Bombur and asking if he can cook something up for them real quick.

 

Just like that, the ice is broken, everyone chattering away again, even though his mom is eyeing the two of them with calculating eyes. Fili wants to say something but he doesn’t get the chance, Kili grabbing him by the hand and dragging him to sit down at the table. Two glasses of water are shoved in front of them by Nori, and Dwalin takes a seat across from the two of them.

 

“Where’s everyone else?” Kili asks, leaning heavily against Fili as he looks at Dwalin.

 

“Ori has classes tonight so he won’t be back till late tonight. Dori, Risna, and Gloin have yet to get back from work, and Gimli is with his mother in the other room. Balin and Bofur are still on perimeter for a few hours. After them it’ll be myself and Bombur patrolling. And Bifur... he’s still in the cage.”

 

At the mention of Bifur, Fili’s gut seems to twist, hot bubbling poison eating away through his body, churning and twisting so that his insides ache. Any thought of Bifur only serves to remind him that he deserves even more punishment than that. He deserves banishment, complete and utter destruction and-

 

“Did Bifur react the way that he did because he’s an enforcer? I know that their job is to protect the Alpha as well, so I mean... I understand why it happened if that’s the case,” Kili asks the room at large. Frerin is the one who answers, Fili’s mouth feeling like it’s glued shut.

 

“Yes. He’s our secondary enforcer of the pack. I’m the primary.”

 

Frerin is about to go on but Dis interrupts, glaring at her brother before she turns to look at Fili and Kili.

 

“It doesn’t matter that he’s and enforcer of the pack. It doesn’t excuse what he did by any means, Kili, because he went after you despite what Fili said, despite knowing the fact that you have never truly been in a pack before.”

 

The words are double edged, her eyes focused on Kili but the sting and brunt of their force hitting Fili head-on. He knows that his mother is giving him subtle hints, letting him know that despite Kili seemingly forgiving him, there will still be consequences to his actions. Things wouldn’t just magically be fixed.

 

Kili doesn’t say anything to that, he just sits quietly and sips at his water, glancing at Fili before he looks down at the table.

 

“Bifur can be let out tonight. He’s been in there long enough and I’m sure... I’m sure that he’s learned his lesson.”

 

Fili tries to stop the pain from leaking into his words, the self-hatred and disdain that he has for himself, for all of this, but the rest of the pack who are unaware of what has been going on just comfort him, taking the emotions as feeling bad about having to hurt one of his own to teach a lesson.

 

“Don’t be mad at yourself about it, Fili, he had it coming to him.” Nori supplies. It only serves to make the blond feel even worse. Thankfully the conversation comes to an end before he can spill his guts, Bombur passing out plates and settling the food down onto the table. They’re just simple grilled cheese sandwiches, some with tomato in them and others regular. Kili snatches up three before anyone else can even make a move.

 

Dwalin looks at Kili with raised eyebrows, but his mate just huffs, pulling his plate close to him and looking right back.

 

“I’m hungry. Leave me alone.”

Dwalin snorts at that, shaking his head and grabbing a sandwich for himself, the rest of the bunch smiling at Kili’s antics. Even Fili allows himself to smile the tiniest bit, grabbing one for himself and biting into it. After going without food for so long, it tastes like pure heaven.

 

Neither Fili or Kili talk after that, too busy scarfing down food whilst everyone else looks on with fond little smiles, shaking their heads as they munch slowly at their sandwiches. Fili tries to concentrate on Kili beside him, the warm presence that is pressed up against him because if he can keep Kili in mind then maybe he can stop feeling so guilty.

 

It’s a bit hazy for Fili after that, letting himself be pulled into the living room and shoved into a corner of the couch as Kili presses up against him, resting his head on his shoulder. There’s a movie being popped in and a blanket being draped across them, members of the pack settling in on the plethora of furniture to watch whatever film has been picked out. He’s not even really paying attention when the commercials pop on. The only reason he snaps out of it, really, is because of Kili.

 

“Please don’t be sad right now… It’s supposed to be a distraction, remember?” The words are whispered softly in his ear, Kili’s face pressing against his shoulder.

 

“I’m sorry... I’m just... This whole situation is so fucked up, Kili.”

 

“Don’t think about it right now. Just... try to think about good things.”

 

He swallows hard, nodding his head slowly and wrapping a hesitant arm around his mate. Kili doesn’t pull away, he simply settles in against him and turns his head back to the TV. Conflicting emotions and thoughts are pushed to the back of his mind, his eyes focusing on the flickering screen and the warmth of Kili’s body pressed against his own.

 

* * *

 

 

Once more, thank you for reading! Follow me at letterstoshakespear.tumblr.com for chapter snippets and knowledge of when I'm likely to update :D As mentioned, feeback is highly appreciated :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, and thank you for coming back to read more!! I'd like to apologize for how long it's taking me to update, but I've been really busy, plus the fact that I procrastinate like crazy, and you get slow updates. Aha. Sooo, sorry about that! 
> 
> The plot thickens in this next chapter, so I hope you enjoy!!
> 
> Comments would be heavily appreciated, as well as kudos!
> 
> Again, thank you so much for coming back to read more, it means the world to me! 
> 
> Enjoy! <3 
> 
> Also I know jack shit about cars so sorry for the vagueness and lack of knowledge. :*)
> 
> Oh! I also want to say thank you once again to my wonderful beta, legolaslover1! Check her out on tumblr, she's an absolute doll!

* * *

 

Things aren’t easy the next few days. As much as Kili wants things to just be fine, water under the bridge, they’re not. Everything is still tense, built up, and everyone in the pack can feel it. He’s at the end of his rope with having to tell Fili over and over that he is _not_ going to make the pack aware of what actually happened those nights ago. Yet the blond kept pushing it. It had gotten to the point where he’d had to tell Fili that he wasn’t allowed to tell anyone for the mere fact that it involved the story of his rape, something that Fili didn’t have the right to share.

So he manages to keep Fili in check, but just barely. It’s hard and strained, but they’re getting through it slowly. Kili does want to make the pack aware that he used to work for Smaug. It’s a dark part of his past, but he can’t help but to feel that he owes it to the pack, to make them aware that by harboring Kili they are harboring a fugitive of one of the most bloodthirsty packs around.

“Are you sure you want to do this, Kili? Because you don’t have to, we can deal with it if it comes up but we don’t-“

“Smaug is looking for me Fee. I know it, and you know it. And at some point, he’s going to find out where I am, and if that’s the case, he’s going to find me here. I’ll be putting everyone in danger, and I just..… I can’t sideline them like that. You were right about being mad at me for not telling you. You really, really were.”

They’re going round and round in endless cycles of regret and pain. Fili is looking at him with big blue eyes, shrugging his shoulders before he’s running fingers through unruly hair. They’re sitting outside while they talk, out by the garden in the sun. It’s nice, feeling the warmth against his skin. More than anything, he liked peeking from the corner of his eyes to take in quick glances of Fili’s golden hair shining in the sunlight.

“Alright, fine. But you do realize that they’re going to come to the conclusion that your “nightmare” and our fight was actually about that, right?”

“So we’ll tell them the truth. Partially. I mean, it is kind of what happened. That way you can have a clear conscience about what happened, and we don’t have to talk about me getting… about my... about my rape. They don’t need to know that part...”

Kili peers at Fili hesitantly, brown catching blue before he looks away. He’s still trying to become comfortable with talking about what happened. He’s still trying to come to terms with what happened, and try to remind himself over and over that Fili hadn’t meant to hurt him those few nights ago. It wasn’t intended, it was okay, it was fine. At least, that’s what he told himself. It was almost like high school gym all over again, the teachers yelling at him to “fake it until you make it!”

Fili just looks on with slightly sad eyes, fingers playing with the blades of grass as he continues to watch Kili. It’s true that the brunet had managed to branch out a bit more over the past few days, but it was still a work in progress. Things were... well, they were getting a bit better, but it was like two steps forward meant one step back. At least things were on the forward steps at the moment.

“Okay. That’s a compromise I can deal with.”

He’s almost afraid that Kili has given himself whiplash with how fast he looks up, brown eyes wide as he watches Fili. If it were any other situation, he would find himself laughing. Unfortunately it’s too serious of a subject to laugh about.

“Seriously? You’re not going to try and fight about it? Or say that you’re a terrible Alpha or some other bullshit like that?”

“It’s the truth of what happened, for the most part. And honestly... I’m exhausted from fighting about this. I just want things to get better. That’s all I want.”

Kili understands perfectly, feels his words on a fundamental level because he is filled with a bone-weary ache with how much of himself he has bared while being here. The constant arguing over things that don’t even matter make him feel like there is sandpaper gripping at his flesh, slowly but surely taking him apart.

“Okay. So we’ll tell them what happened. And it’ll be okay. I mean, if anything, they’ll agree with you and want to tear me to bits.”

Kili is smiling but it’s laced with bitterness, something that Fili just wants to wipe away, to hug and to kiss away but he doesn’t know what he wants anymore or what he is doing with Kili.

“No more negativity. Isn’t that what you’ve been telling me for the past three days?”

“You’re also the one who’s been sulking like a puppy in the rain. I at least, am trying to be normal. Or... well, as normal as I can be. I mean, I shoved Ori into a wall the other day. _Ori._ If anyone should be miserable out of the two of us, it’s certainly me!”

Fili can’t help but to snort, shaking his head lightly before he’s inching closer to Kili, toes brushing against the brunet’s. Nothing calms him down more than being able to touch Kili, even if it is only a light brush of skin. It had started ever since their beasts had fully mingled together, and now he can’t bear to be apart from his mate for too long. He needs Kili more than he’s ever needed anything. He only hopes that Kili feels at least a fraction of what he does.

“You laugh, but you should have seen the look on Dori’s face when he was told about what happened.”

“Sometimes I think that I should have named him as my Hati. He’s a fierce thing when it comes down to it...”

For a few moments they sit facing each other with small smiles on their faces, eyes bright and full of something that is indescribable. Kili knows exactly what emotion is coursing through his own being, but it’s something that he sees as unattainable, so he pushes it away.

Kili is the one who stands up first, holding out his hand to pull Fili up. They walk side-by-side, shoulders brushing as they head back to the house. Quite a few of the pack are lying about on the porch, Gimli running around and shrieking as he battles Frerin with a wooden sword. Ori sits upon the wooden slats, books and papers scattered around as he types away at his computer. Dwalin talks quietly with Tirra whilst Bofur snores away against his wife’s shoulder.

Upon nearing the house, Frerin shouts his defeat to Gimli, standing up and brushing off the blades of grass that are attached to his clothes. He has a light smile on his lips as he saunters up to Fili, slinging an arm around his nephew’s neck after he shoots a smile at Kili.

“I am happy to inform you, nephew of mine, that the parts are in for the car that I was supposed to fix up the other day. Alas, it’s a lovely day, and I don’t quite feel like driving to the garage. Fortunately, I know one blond that owes his uncle, so, I think I’ll be calling that in right now.”

Fili snorts, shrugs Frerin’s arm off of his shoulder as he punches his uncle lightly in the shoulder.

“All right, I’ll go and do it, no guilt trip necessary. Just let the pack know that I want to meet with everyone later tonight.”

“I knew that you’d see it my way! And I will be sure to inform them all!” Frerin’s eyes glitter with amusement as he makes his way back to Gimli, sneaking up behind the little ginger before he is picking him up and tossing him into the air. Fili sighs, but it’s replaced soon enough with a fond little smile. When he looks back to Kili, he’s met with hesitant brown eyes, teeth biting at his lower lip and an edge of worry curling around his being.

Fili can guess with almost complete certainty that Kili’s mind had gone to the same exact place as his. Their beasts didn’t like being apart as of late, and the idea of separation certainly put Fili’s teeth on edge. He’s just trying to figure out how Kili is able to hide his emotions away so well.

“Do you want to come with me?”

He blurts the question out because it seems like the best solution, and Kili might be bored to tears but... well... they’d be close together at least.

“Or you could stay here, that’s fine as well. The rest of the pack will keep you distracted enough, I’m sure.”

“I’ll go with you.”

Kili looks more than a bit surprised at his response, lips forming a little _oh_ as he blinks. Fili can’t help the lopsided grin that forms on his face, beckoning for Kili to follow after him. And if no one knows just how pleased Fili is at Kili’s agreeing to accompany him... well no one needed to worry about that. 

 

* * *

 

 

They take Fili’s truck, the windows rolled down and music playing softly. It had only taken a few minutes of driving for Kili to throw his hair up into a knot to prevent the brown strands from flying into his face. They’d agreed to go to the store afterwards as well so they could procure Kili his own clothes to wear.

The garage isn’t all that far away, thirty-five minutes at most, right on the edge of a small town. It’s a nice little place, well kept and clean for a garage. Kili has no idea what he’s even looking at, so he doesn’t have to fake the look of childish interest that crosses his face as they enter, the lights flickering on and bathing the room in an artificial glow.

Fili only smiles, continuing on his way towards the car that is waiting for him. There’s a box resting on top of the hood that contains the parts that Frerin had been waiting for. He leaves Kili to peer around the place while he puts on a pair of coveralls, pulling his hair back as he sets about collecting what he needs.

He’s opening the hood up and taking a look inside when Kili comes up behind him, peering over his shoulder and looking on in interest.

“Know anything about cars?”

Kili snorts at the question, giving a Fili a look that clearly shows that he is questioning the blond’s intelligence.

“Not a damn thing. I only ever learned enough to get my license, but I couldn’t afford to have a car. Never made much sense with mostly living in cities really…”

“Seriously?”

“Do I look like I’m kidding you, oh almighty god of all things mechanical?”

“Does this mean that I get to be worshiped by you, with me being a god and all?”

It’s instinctual to banter back, but it takes him a moment afterwards to realize the implications of what he has just said. He looks at Kili with wide worried eyes to see that the brunet is looking at him with eyebrows raised and mouth completely open.

“I- I uhm, I-“

“D-did you actually just say that?! I can’t... Fili that was terrible, that was just –I can’t-!”

Kili is doubled over at this point, heaving in breaths as he cackles, tears coursing from the corners of his eyes, his face is bright red but the utter _joy_ on his face is enough for Fili to not scowl at him. He’d never do anything to mar such unbridled joy and happiness.

“I guess that was pretty bad...” he smiles.

“Pretty bad!? Fili, that was the worst, I mean the _worst_ pick up lines I have _ever_ heard in my entire life and I have heard _so_ many terrible ones!”

“Yeah yeah, laugh it up.”

And Kili does, laughs so hard that he’s clutching his sides and has to sit down because he can barely keep it together. Fili starts working on the car, and every time that he thinks that Kili is done, another wave of giggles starts up again. All he can do is roll his eyes and grumble the odd comment that went along the lines of ‘it wasn’t that bad.’

He gives up on trying to defend himself at some point after that, shaking his head and concentrating on his work. It’s not anything big, just replacing a head gasket, but Kili watches him like he’s performing open-heart surgery. It’s cute and endearing, but he doesn’t dare to say that to Kili’s face, though his imagined reaction does make Fili smile to himself.

“How did you learn about all of this stuff?” Kili asks.

“My dad was the one who started the garage up with Frerin. I grew up helping them out with little things, and eventually they started me off on doing simple things. It’s something that I grew into. Once my dad passed, it seemed only logical that I would take over his spot here. That’s it, really.”

Kili nods his head, smiling fondly before he looks down at his hands.

“That’s nice, that you have good memories. I don’t have any of mine... of my dad, I mean. He left when I was really little. Two or three, I think? My mom told me that she never expected him to stick around, that he was too much of a free soul put some roots down. But sometimes, I still think about him. Or at least what it would have been like. That maybe my life would have been different if he was around.”

When Fili turns to look at his mate, he doesn’t seem to be mad, just contemplative. He wipes grease stained hands against his coveralls before he goes to sit beside Kili, arms brushing as he looks down at his hands.  

“There’re too many what ifs that are in the world, Kee. Dwelling on them won’t change anything. Even if we wish that just thinking about it could.”

Kili’s head nods slowly before the brunet is placing it against Fili’s shoulder, a puff of breath escaping as a warm arm curls around his own. Fili allows himself to melt into the touch.

“I know. I guess I’ll have to come to terms with the fact that I’m mates with a mechanic with terrible pick up lines.”

“Oh would you let that go already!? It was a reflex response!”

“Doesn’t matter, this is something that I will hold against you for years to come.”

Kili apparently doesn’t think anything of it, but that word... that one word makes Fili float. _Years._ Not even a question, just an automatic years to come. For Fili, that means everything. For Fili, it means that maybe things will work out and be okay after all, even if the path is rocky.

Once he manages to clean up a bit, Fili and Kili get back into the truck so that they can travel another half hour to the closest clothing store. They spend their time chatting away idly about anything and everything. That is to say, anything that is safe that doesn’t connect to any of the negative things that are going on or have happened.

Fili finds out that Kili has a love for music, his mate going on endlessly about his favorite bands. He loves the more Indy music for it’s smooth slow beats, the sound of a violin for the very way that it makes his heart and soul ache. Acoustic guitars for the beauty that strums through his blood and bones. Eclectic beats and harsh tones that make his heart speed up and blood boil with rage and anger that floats through his body.

Kili talks of music like it is a spiritual movement, a place of worship and solace where he can bear his bones, heart and soul and not care. It makes Fili smile, a slight quirk of his lips as he catches quick looks to see the bright smile on Kili’s face, the animated movements of his hands and the way that his body has lost all stiffness. That almost impenetrable wall that Kili always kept up was down, and it was beautiful to behold.

He’s so lost in multitasking between driving and catching looks at Kili that he doesn’t realize that Kili has asked him a question. The blond’s cheeks go a little pink as he looks at his mate, a little ruffled that he’d obviously been caught by the small smile on Kili’s face.

“Uhm... What?”

“What do you like to listen to?”

“I don’t listen to a lot of music to be honest… I like to read more than anything. I always wanted to go to college when I was a kid, but that was before my dad died and I became the Alpha of the pack. So now I read to learn.”

Kili looks at him thoughtfully before he responds, eyebrows a bit furrowed and eyes shining with curiosity.

“I didn’t picture you as a reader. It doesn’t really fit with the mental image that I have of you…”

Fili snorts, watches the road and lets a small smile play at the corners of his mouth.

“I should probably feel extremely insulted by that, but I’ll try my best to see it in a positive light.”

“I- Fili, I didn’t mean it like that!” Kili is instantly sitting up straight, no longer slouching in his seat with eyes wide. The blond can’t help but to laugh, fingers holding on tightly to the steering wheel.

“I’m just having you on, it’s alright. But you can make it up to me by telling me what exactly your ‘mental image’ is of me.”

He can feel more than see the sudden anxiety that fills his mate, almost sense the burn in his cheeks and the way brown eyes widen. Fili had been slightly joking before, but now he truly wanted to know.

“Come on, tell me.”

“I- No way! No, not going to happen, ever. It’s completely embarrassing and-“

“Did you think I was some kind of Neanderthal or something?”

“Not at all! I just- you work on cars and you’re super- you know what, no. Nope. Put some music on, I’m done.”

If possible, Kili is even redder than before, body slouched back into the seat and arms wrapped around his body. Fili can’t help but laugh. He still wants to know, is desperate to hear what that last statement was going to be. Today though, he won’t push it.

It doesn’t take them much longer after that to get to the store. Fili goes towards the back of the parking lot because he can tell how uneasy Kili is at the idea of walking into the small shopping mall. Kili doesn’t say anything, but he can tell how uncomfortable the brunet is, eyes shifting around and nails digging into the palms of his hands.

Fili almost doesn’t want to say anything. He doesn’t want to bring Kili’s unease to attention if it will only make the brunet upset. It’s only a moment of hesitation before he’s placing a gentle hand on Kili’s arm, blue eyes bright with compassion as his mate turns to look at him.

“Will this be alright? I can go somewhere else if you want.”

“I... no, this is okay it’s just... it’s been a while since I’ve been somewhere with so many people.” The response is hesitant, brown eyes shifting to look outside before Kili places a hand on the door and forces out a little smile.

“Let’s go.”

He stays close to Kili the entire time, enhanced senses searching for any threats and increased capabilities of smell searching for any skinchangers that might be nearby. He can tell that a few are nearby, and that’s enough for him to know that he needs to make sure that Kili doesn’t feel like a skittish colt.

He only feels the slightest amount of surprise when Kili wraps both of his arms around one of Fili’s as they enter the building. It’s probably more of a defense tactic than anything, but Fili still likes the warmth that blooms in his chest from the close proximity.

Five, maybe ten minutes later, Kili has grown more comfortable, arms slightly loosening from the blond’s, though he still keeps them tangled around his. The first few stores that Fili suggests are instantly shot down by Kili with either loud snorts or looks of complete and utter disgust.

Eventually his mate settles on a store filled with more flannel than the world would ever need and jeans that fit Kili so well that his brain is going to short circuit. Every single pair that he tries on hangs low on his hips, not to tight but not to loose, and Fili _needs_ to look away because _no one’s_ ass should look that nice in jeans.

And of course, Kili grabs a bunch of flannels, a few pairs of baggy gym shorts and a plethora of skintight muscle shirts and he just _can’t_ even handle this! He’s in love with a wanna be lumberjack and-

He instantly puts a stop to that though. Nope. Not going to happen, not now, anyways. He’s not going to think about it, and he’s not going to watch Kili. He’s going to ignore the knowing look that Kili shoots his way and he’s going to just stomp out the feelings inside of himself because things are way too goddamn complicated for him to actually be in _love_ with Kili right now.

By the time they get down with all the shopping it’s a good amount of time past lunch, so they decide to throw their bags into the cab of the truck before heading back into the food court to grab something to eat.

It had been a good day, fantastic, even. It would only make sense then that things would fall apart far too quickly for them to be able to control. Fili is aware of the scent of the skinchangers around, but he’s so caught up in Kili’s laughter that he doesn’t even notice the sudden presence of the man until he has pulled up a chair and sat down at the table they’d been sharing.

Kili’s reaction is almost instantaneous. First he freezes, eyes going wide and face losing all color before he’s yelping in fear and scooting over to Fili, cowering against his side and wrapping his arms around his waist.

The man that sits before them is one familiar to Fili. Brown hair pulled back into a low ponytail, sunglasses pushed back onto the top of his head and eyes cool as they watch the brunet that is pressed against Fili’s side.

“Fili.”

“What would you like, Bard?”

“Haven’t seen you around, recently. There was a meeting a few days ago concerning the Alphas of the surrounding packs. You didn’t show. Having Dwalin going in your place doesn’t keep the others from being curious, you know that.”

“I don’t care what the other packs think, Bard. I’ve been busy with my own and sending Dwalin in my place was in the best interests of everyone.”

“You know how they are, Fili, you can’t just not show up, not when you’ve been trying to make that deal with the bobcat pack to buy land off of them. Not showing up only made them take a greater interest in you. From what I can see, that’s the last thing that you need right now.”

The words only to serve to make Kili press even closer, but he does glare up at Bard, eyes narrowed and teeth pulled back into a quiet snarl. Fili’s almost surprised by the display, and he should probably tell Kili to stop, but he doesn’t.

“Spit it out, Bard. What are you really here for?”

Bard scowls, leaning forward in his seat while he glares at Fili.

“The packs are talking, Fili. You haven’t been around. There’s been talk about you taking in a stray, about you and a lone wolf running through lands that don’t belong to you. Now, I’m going to go on a whim here to say that you don’t want people knowing about the feral little beast curled up next to you.”

Fili growls at that, holding Kili close as he glares. Bard is instantly sighing, raising his hands up in a surrender gesture.

“I’m sorry, alright? I’m trying to help you. There have been a few wolf changers that have been coming around the past couple of days. None of them will say where they’re from, but they keep asking if anyone has seen a stray in the area. I don’t have any hard evidence about who they are, but from what I _have_ gathered, it could be inferred that they are affiliated with Smaug.”

Everything freezes.

“When were they last around?”

“A few days ago. They’ve been sniffing around. Literally. They have his scent memorized, even have a piece of clothing with them. That’s why I cam over here. I don’t know how he’s involved with you, Fili, but you need to get rid of him before he brings your entire pack down.”

Bard says it so coolly, like it’s a simple matter of dropping Kili off into the middle of nowhere and leaving him there. Like the brunet huddled against him isn’t a person, a living being that has thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

“He’s my mate,” Fili snarls, a curl of power spreading between the three of them. How could Bard be so completely devoid of emotion about this? Bard seems startled by the display, eyeing Kili before he looks back at Fili.

“Well, that does complicate things. I don’t know what to say, Fili. If Smaug finds him, especially with your pack, there’s going to be hell to pay. And the fallout… it will affect all of us who are around you.”

“Bard, please, just... don’t say anything to them? I have to keep him safe and my pack safe, and just don’t say anything, I’m begging you, I’ll do whatever you want.”

“If I help you, if I even tell them that I don’t know a thing, and they find out different, they’ll kill me, and my family. We’ve had a long friendship, Fili, but I don’t know that I can do this for you.”

“I won’t give Kili up, Bard. He’s my mate, and I just... I won’t do that to him. I’m going to keep him safe, even if that means that Smaug will come after us. So if you truly believe that Smaug will come after us all, it seems only logical that we all join together to take him down.”

He’s pulling at straws, has now idea of Bard will even go for this, but he’s desperate. Fili watches, and he sees the poker face that Bard wears, the way that he shifts in his seat and sighs.

“Fili, people will die if you do this.”

“Then I’ll give everything up for him.”

And it’s true. He’s not sure how or when, but somewhere down this ragged path he was walking, he’d managed to fall in love with a guy with more cracks than a sidewalk, and he is willing to give up almost anything for him. Anything to keep him safe and happy, because whether he wants it or not, Kili is the other half of his soul.

“Fine. I’ll talk to my pack and see how they feel. But I’m not promising you anything, Fili. The other packs might not go for this either, and you need to be prepared for the idea that you might be on your own for this.”

They talk a bit more and agree on meeting the next day to talk. He doesn’t waste much time, pulling Kili back to the truck as he does his best to try and calm down the shivers that wrack through his mate’s body.

“It’s going to be alright, Kili, you’re okay, everything is going to be okay.”

“He-he’s going to find me a-and everyone’s going to d-die because of me and you should let me go, l-let me go and It’ll go away and-“

Fili doesn’t hesitate to pull Kili into his lap, his arms wrapping tightly around his mate and his face nuzzling into the space between shoulder and neck. He places little kisses there, running his fingers through brown hair and holding on tight.

“I’m not going to let anything happen to you, Kili, I promise. I’m not going to let him get you.”

“But the pack-“

“They’ll understand. And if they don’t... we’ll both go. I’m not leaving you, Kili, I’m not letting you face this alone.”

Kili holds on tighter, fingers clawing into the back of his shirt as he shivers and shakes, a low whines escaping from the back of his throat as he tries to get as close to Fili as he can. Fili would give up anything for Kili, and Kili was beginning to realize that he was willing to do the same. It terrified him. Hell, it terrified them both.

“I promise you, Kili, I’m going to protect you.”

The words don’t solve anything in the moment, but they serve to calm Kili down enough to curl up into the passenger side of the car, laying his head down on Fili’s lap and nuzzling against his thigh.

“Wanna go home.”

“Okay. Lets go home.”

**TBC**

 

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Thanks again for reading everyone! If you want to keep up with when I'm most likely to update, you can add me at letterstoshakespear.tumblr.com! I take prompts as well (Though how fast I complete them is always up in the air) so yeah! Stop by and say hello! :D


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here it is! The long awaited update! I am so, so sorry that it took me this long to get it done! 
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who helped to push me along, and to everyone who has stuck around waiting for this update! You're the best!!!
> 
> Anyways, I hope all of you enjoy this update, and thanks for coming back to read more!
> 
> <3

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By the time Fili puts the truck into park in the driveway, Kili has finally managed to calm down. His fingers are no longer twisted into the hem of Fili’s shirt, shivers no longer wracking his body and the harsh beating of his heart has gone back to a steady pace.

“Are you ready for this Kili?”

Fili already knows the answer, but he asks anyways. It seems like the thing to do, and it’s all he can think of while they sit in the cab of his truck, stretching out the scarce moments of blissful ignorance that the pack still holds. Kili manages to pull out a weak half smile, fingers moving to comb through his hair.

“I’m scared. What if they decide I’m not worth it Fee? What if… what if they think the best option is to give me up?”

Kili looks smaller than usual as he speaks, body hunched in and feet pulled up onto the seat. His arms move to curl loosely around his abdomen, his eyes blearily focused on the house before them. He doesn’t know how to get rid of the look on his mates face.

“They’re not going to give you up Kili. You’re my mate and that means something. They like you, and they’ll stand by the both of us.”

Frustrated sigh leaves the brunets lips, fingers digging into the fabric of the seats as he turns to glare at Fili. Anger and fear seeps out from his beast, and it’s all that Fili can do to stop himself from reaching out.

“And why the hell should they stand by me?! I was involved with _Smaug_ , Fili! He killed members of the pack, your family! And you think that they’re just going to accept me into the fold, that they’re going to risk being slaughtered just because they started to form a bond with me? Because we’re mates? I’m not worth dying for, and they’re sure as hell going to think the same thing.”

“You’re worth it to me Kili! I’m not giving you up, and if I’m not willing to do that, the pack isn’t going to be willing to. We stick together. They already accept you, and the fact that you were involved with Smaug will be shocking, yes! But they’ll get over it!”

Kili doesn’t say anything, eyes full of fear and face white as a sheet. He isn’t even sure if his words have made a difference, that Kili even believes him. There isn’t anything that he can say to reassure Kili. All he can do is try to show his mate that the pack would be behind him.

“We’ll go inside and talk to them all, and it will be fine. I won’t let anything happen.”

Kili says nothing, opens the door of the truck, hops out and closes it loudly. Low sigh escapes from his mouth but he says nothing, gets out of the truck and shoves the keys into his back pocket. The clothes lay forgotten in the back.

There aren’t many of the pack that are downstairs within the kitchen. Nori and Bofur are cleaning up leftover dishes from dinner, and from the sounds of it, there are a few of the pack within the living room.

“Bofur, Nori, I need you to gather everyone for a pack meeting. I want everyone outside in ten minutes.”

Neither one questions Fili, sensing the seriousness that oozes off of him. Kili goes back outside with Fili close behind, standing as close as possible to one another. He tries to filter out a sense of peace from his being, breathing in deep as he looks up at the starry skies. Despite his efforts, Kili doesn’t calm down the tiniest bit, his anxiety only running higher as members of the pack start to filter outside. The smell is overpowering, and the sense of fear starts to permeate the air as well.

Dwalin is one of the first members to come out, a light look of knowing spread across his face. Frerin and Dis follow close behind with similar looks, and it takes all he has to not beckon them to join Kili’s side to help ease his anxiety. But with every moment that passes, Kili’s anxiety only increases, and the pack can smell it all to easily. Some watch him with shaded eyes while others only look on with curious worry.

It doesn’t take long for Fili to wrap his arm around Kili’s waist, trying his hardest to give his mate any sort of comfort that he can. He’s not sure that it helps, but at least it’s something for him to do.

Soon enough the pack is all there besides Gimli, who is already asleep in his room. It’s fortunate that It’s a night where they are all home, because he wants everyone to hear this together.

“Fili, what’s going on?” Oin is the one who breaches the quiet murmuring of the group, eyes flickering to Kili before he returns his gaze back to his Alpha.

“We have a bit of a situation. Kili and I are going to explain things, and I want all of you to please try and be as calm as you can. I’m working on figuring things out; I’ve spoken to Bard. Just keep that in mind.”

“Stop beating around the bush Fili, tell us what the ‘ell is going on,” Bofur growls.

He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know how to start and there’s no way to drop this bomb gently. It’s going to wreck his pack and it’s the last thing that he wants, especially with how strained everything had been recently.

“I used to work for Smaug.”

Fili winces at Kili’s blatant words and half the pack goes silent and pale and the other half turns into an uproar of angry yelling. Dori of all people is the one who makes a move towards Kili, teeth bared and claws extended. It only takes a moment for Fili’s eyes to flash, angry growl building up and snarling out of his mouth. Dori pauses and Ori pulls him back, eyes wide and pale. Kili is half hiding behind Fili, whimpering as his fingers clutch into the fabric of the blonde’s shirt.

Nurna’s the next one asking questions, face pale and fingers holding tightly onto the fabric of Gloin’s shirt.

“How long have you known about this Fili? How long have you been hiding this from us?”

“Less than a week.”

“And you’re just now telling us? Who else knew about this?” Balin glares.

“Dwalin, Frerin, and myself were aware of the situation. Things have been tense and we were trying to gather more information on the situation,” Dis sighs, fingers rubbing gently at her temples.

“What changed? Hm? And what do you have to say for yourself Kili, keeping all of this to your chest this entire time? This is what all that fighting was about? The yelling and the screaming?” And of course it’s Bifur who’s starting the accusations, eyes bright and angry.

“I- I didn’t-“

“Didn’t what? Didn’t mean to put our entire pack in danger? I was right about him Fili, he’s nothing but an idiot kid who is more trouble than he’s worth! I say get rid of the little bastard and leave him to the wolves who want him, we don’t need to get involved with Smaug again!”

“If you think for one second that we’re going to just send Kili away, your are _sorely_ mistaken Bifur. Kili’s pack, he’s not going anywhere.” He snarls the words and there’s a buildup of growls from all over and everyone starts yelling and screaming at one another again.

“He’s going to get us killed!”

“I’m not putting Gimli in this situation, it’s not happening! My child won’t suffer for this!”

“Smaug killed our parents Fili! And you’re willing to just let him into the pack? Maybe you consider him pack, but I don’t. Mate or not, he hasn’t been inducted, he’s nothing to us!” Dori snarls. And heaven almighty, _Ori_ smacks him.

“Speak for yourself!! Kili’s a part of this pack, just as much as I am!”

“How can you even say that, all hes been is trouble from the start!” Bifur hisses.

“ _Enough_!” He roars the words and they all go silent, and it’s absolutely fucking blissful, all things considered. And he hates this more than anything because Kili is absolutely _cowering_ behind him, fingers clenched painfully tight around the meat of his right arm. He doesn’t pull away, not even when he feels the pinprick of claws biting into his skin, little rivulets of blood dripping down. If anything, it grounds him.

“If you want to question Kili’s placement in this pack, then fine. First order of business, we’ll put it to a vote. Majority rules.”

Fili knows that he’s leaving this up to chance, gut twisting at the prospect that this could turn south. He could be completely wrong about all of this, could be putting Kili into more danger because he wants to believe the best in his pack.

“ _Fine._ Yay he stays, Nay he goes.”

The entire process is painful in every god damn way, more-so in that Kili is practically frozen in place, not a single shiver passing through his body, waves of uncertainty and fear oozing off of his person. Fili wants nothing more than to take him away from this god damn mess, to just curl up around him in bed and nuzzle him until he was covered in his scent and falling asleep.

The vote ends 11 against 5. Bifur, Dori, Nori, Gloin, and Nurna vote against Kili’s induction to the pack. In any normal circumstance there would be a slew of celebrations as well as pack bonding, but there isn’t time for that now. There isn’t time for anything.

“He’s pack.”

“Fili this is asinine, you’re going to get us all slaughtered because of him! When the hell did he start meaning more than rest of us!? Than your own damn family!?” Gloin is yelling, clutching Nurna close to his side, the two looking pale of complexion and eyes full of dark rage.

“Gloin-“

“Don’t you dare Gloin him Fili!!! You’re picking _him_ over us! What about my Gimli?! Would you condemn him to death just because of him!?” Nurna snarls the words and she’s filled with the wrath of a mother’s rage. But Fili doesn’t care, not when Kili is cowering behind him, not when his beast threatens to burst out with claws and teeth to tear apart those who stand against him, because Kili is _his_ , they belong to one another. _Nothing_ will keep them apart from one another. _Nothing._

“He’s _My_ pack, he’s my _family_ , and if neither you or Gloin can handle that, if _any_ of you can’t handle that, you can leave. Right here, right now, I am giving you the opportunity to leave this pack with no consequences attached. But I will _not_ give him up. Not even for Gimli.”

Gloin snarls and Nurna lunges, claws’ raking towards his face and Dwalin intercedes, grabs her by the arm and shoves her back towards her husband. The atmosphere is tense and painful and he’s not even sure of what the hell he’s supposed to do next because he hasn’t even told them even _half_ of anything.

“This is it, right here and now. If you want to leave, to have no part of this pack, then you get Gimli right now, and you leave, Gloin, because Kili is here to stay.”

“You’d make us choose between keeping him safe and taking him away from his family?”

“Yes.”

“ _Fine,_ we’ll stay.”

“Anyone else?” Dori and Nori grumble and growl, and Bifur looks more than a little mutinous, eyes dark but he’s still standing there, albeit grudgingly it seems.

“It comes down to this. Bard approached me today. There’s a few skinchangers that have been going around the area looking for a loner. They know Kili’s around the area, and they’re almost certainly some of Smaug’s men.”

“What’s the plan, Fili?” Dwalin doesn’t wait to delve into this new piece of information, eyes calculating and mind planning. He can sense it from here.

“I’ve spoken to Bard and asked him to not say anything about Kili. He’s going to cover for us. As for the future… I’ve asked Bard to speak to his pack to see if they’ll join our cause. I’m going to speak to the other packs as well, to Bilbo and Elrond. If we can get the packs in the area to fight with us, we can beat Smaug. We can have a chance.”

“What about Thranduil?” Dis puts forth, arms crossed over her chest.

“Thranduil won’t help us, ma, you know that.”

“He’s right, Dis, Thranduil didn’t help us the last time, and he won’t help us this time either.”

She doesn’t even try to hide the roll of her eyes, low growl slipping from her mouth as she looks on at Dwalin and Fili.

“Things are different now. Legolas has more sway over his father now, and we could have a chance. If we can get the other skinchangers on our side, we could try and convince Thranduil. If anything, it’s someone else on our side Fili.”

“We could try for Aragorn as well. He’s married to Elronds daughter, if we could get him on our side, then Elrond would be more likely to join up with us, right?”

Fili’s more than a little surprised at Ori’s addition to the conversation, looking a little uncertain but certainly much more determined than usual. As an Alpha he feels proud, seeing one of his pack rise up and speak.

“ That’s a wonderful idea, Ori. I’ll see about setting up a meeting with him as soon as possible. Thank you for the input.”

“But what if Aragorn doesn’t agree? What then? Or any of the other packs, for that matter?” Said Nori.

“Aragorn owes us from our help of deposing Denethor. And I think that Bard could be willing. Even if Aragorn says no, and we don’t have the backing of protecting Eowyn, Elrond will see that something needs to be done about Smaug. As for Bilbo… there’s a dark history there, and we all know that. But I think that we could persuade him all the same.”

“No matter what happens or who is involved, people are going to die, Fili. Pack members will die, whether it’s our own or someone else’s. Are you ready to accept responsibility for that?”

His mothers eyes shine with maternal worry, jaw clenched and lines of worry pressed into her expression.

“Yes, I am. As I said before, I’m going to try Aragorn first. If we can get his backing, I think the others will more easily follow. I’ll call him first thing in the morning. But for now, I think it’s best that we all get some sleep. There’s a lot that’s going to need to be done, and rest is going to be extremely important for that.”

Despite knowing that there are still questions to be asked and answered, Fili needs to wait for another time. While Kili is no longer whimpering behind him in fear, his stress levels are through the roof. His arms have now curled around him, head pressed close against Fili’s shoulder. His muscles are shaking from how taut they are, sinew and cords vibrating with tension.

Needless to say, he and Kili are the only ones who leave the circle, the rest of the pack continuing on to talk to one another without their Alpha present.

“It’s going to be fine Kili.”

“I don’t want this happening because of me Fili. People are going to get hurt, are going to die, and I don’t – It’s so selfish Fili, it’s so fucking selfish and it isn’t fair to them.”

His voice is raspy in Fili’s ear, words caught and chafing in the lines and creases of Kili’s throat. It doesn’t take a genius to know that they drag on Kili’s mind, that they eat as his soul. There’s nothing that he wants more than to take it all away; to smooth out the edges of his ragged mind, to cool down the raging heat that burns within his bones.

“You’re worth it. You’re worth any pain, or heartache, or anger that will come from this Kili. I’m willing to be selfish with you. You’re worth being selfish for.”

They’re making their way through the hallways now, passing eerie rooms and empty doorways. Kili doesn’t say anything for long minutes, only stays close to Fili and watches on as he opens the door to the addition.

“I’m not.”

“Yes, you _are._ I know you don’t think so, but I do. You’ve been conditioned by shitty situations and terribly twisted people to think that you’re worthless Kili, but its absolute bullshit because you are far from worthless.”

Kili huffs, eyes downcast and cheeks turning maybe a little pink. He still looks unbearably sad, completely lost in melancholy.

“Well I’m happy you have faith in me.”

“I’m not the only one who has faith in you. My Ma, Dwalin, Frerin and Ori, we all have faith in you. Everyone who wanted you to be a part of this pack has faith in you, and the others will come around, I promise.”

“Sure about that? I’m half expecting Bifur to come in and slit my throat tonight.”

Fili shoots a glare at his mate, not appreciating the dark humor a single bit. Kili half smiles before he pulls away from Fili’s arms and settles himself down on the edge of the bed.

“Bifur isn’t going to-“

“Bifur wasn’t supposed to attack me the last time either, Fili, and look how that went.”

It makes him ache, puts anger and heat in his soul, and he hates that Kili doesn’t trust him or believe in him after all that’s happened. His beast _hates_ it, is offended and angered and how _dare_ his mate not believe that he won’t protect him, especially after what he was willing to do for him. All of this was for _him._

And Kili senses it, looking up with furrowed eyebrows and a frown edging at the corners of his mouth. A low growl sounds out from his throat, a warning more than anything. Sensing the way that Kili’s beast stirs, he advances forward, dark scowl spreading over his face.

“You don’t think that I can protect you? I’m willing to put my entire pack on the line, let them all risk their lives and maybe die, all for you. And you think that I wouldn’t do _anything_ that I had to, to protect my mate? That I’d let Bifur even take a _step_ into this room before I tore his throat out?”

“I – Christ, I didn’t mean it like that Fili. I know you can protect me, I know how much you’re willing to sacrifice.”

Kili watches him with wide eyes, his wolf practically whimpering with its tail between its legs. But he’s still offended, pride wounded and he’s the alpha and Kili is his mate and he’d do anything, fucking anything for the annoying little shit that’s sitting on the edge of his bed right now.

“God, I just don’t get you sometimes Kili, I really don’t. And my fucking wolf is nuts about you and my animal instincts keep on telling me to take care of you and all I want to do is scent mark the shit out of you all the god damn time. So everyone knows that you’re _mine,_ that you’re my mate and you’re under my protection and that I’ll rip their fucking heads off if they try to ever touch you. And then you go saying stuff like that and _you are driving me insane.”_

It’s a long outburst for him, but he’s trying to get his beast to calm the hell down because he’s in overdrive to mark and protect and care and it’s making his skin tingle and his bones ache. He never thought someone so damn infuriating could incite this kind of visceral reaction.

“You can.. you can scent mark me if – if you want to.”

Fili is ready to snap.

“ _Don’t,_ say that if you don’t mean it because I’m holding it together by a thread Kili. Because I just, I _need_ and – this instinct has me on overdrive right now and I need to leave if you’re not serious because I can’t hurt you again.”

“I’m positive. Scent mark me.”

“Tell me stop if you need me to, okay?”

“I will.”

He has Kili pulled up against the headboard and sprawled in his lap in a matter of moments. His wolf is absolutely _glowing_ , breathing in Kili’s scent. There’s a knot loosening in his chest, one he hadn’t realized had been there, and he’s in heaven. Fingers comb through silky brown hair, pulling it back so that he can nuzzle his face into the crook of Kili’s neck.

His mates reaction is almost instant, breath hitching and arms wrapping around Fili, holding him close as he whines deep in the back of his throat. He noses along the column of soft skin, rolls his cheek and scratches his beard against him and Kili practically whimpers, squirms and wriggles in his arms and Fili holds him all the tighter for it.

The beast inside of himself is completely zeroed in on Kili’s neck, mouth salivating and nose breathing in his mates concentrated scent. It’s so warm and the skin is so soft, bristly cheek rubbing against the area. He’s trying to have some semblance of control over what he’s doing, but it’s so hard to do when the need to mark is bleeding through his thought process.

Fili wants to go slow, to ease his way into marking Kili because he knows that it’s an emotional experience, he knows that scent marking a mate is even more so than a regular pack member. So he tries to hold back but it all goes to shit once Kili starts squirming even more so in Fili’s arms, trying to push him self into the blonds skin it seems.

He doesn’t even comprehend that he’s licking the heated skin until a low pitched whine makes its way out of Kili’s throat, fingers clutching into his skin as he presses himself closer to the touch.

It’s intoxicating with the way his whole world has suddenly zeroed down to Kili; his scent, the sound of his pounding heart, the warmth in his skin and the low whines emitting from his mouth.

Fili licks and licks and licks at the skin, saliva trailing down the hollow of Kili’s throat and absorbing into the soft material of his shirt. It’s wet and messy, and he can’t stop the heat that’s curling through his body can’t stop the want that’s building up inside of him, but he _has_ to. It’s a thought that cuts through the haze and he _hates_ it, hates that he needs to stop because he can’t – he can’t hurt Kili, he _can’t._

“I – Kili- I’m going to stop okay? I can’t – I don’t want to risk losing control, so I need – _Jesus_ you so smell so good, but I can’t –“

“Don’t you _dare_ stop! I can handle this, I’m _fine_ , I want this.” Kili half growls, half whines the words, but Fili still isn’t sure, doesn’t know if he can keep marking his mate when he isn’t sure of how sexual things are going to get because it’s hormonal and completely animal. It’s wolf instinct and he just wants so god damn bad to hold Kili close, to suck bruises into his skin and run his fingers along his cock.

“Kili-“

“I know how this works, I know where it goes, and I _want this,_ I want you Fili, so please, please just mark me.”

So he does. He latches his mouth onto the dip of his neck and bites and nibbles away, worries at the skin with his teeth, tugging and dragging and nipping. Nails dig crescents into his spine but he doesn’t care, can’t bring himself to when the world is overrun with everything that is Kili. All that matters is the warm skin in his mouth, the harsh painful nips that he places on the skin, causing his mate to whimper and whine in pleasure pain.

There’s a voice deep down that whispers for him to be gentle, but his wolf doesn’t care, just wants his mates flesh in his teeth and his face burrowed into his neck so he can scent and mark as much as he desires. And how Kili _adores_ it, stills completely in his arms and goes limp, lips parted slightly and little hums of pleasure vibrating through his chest.

After long minutes Fili manages to drag himself away to look at the battered skin of his mate. Once pale skin is now bruising in purples and blues, teeth imprints all along the skin and it makes his beast absolutely _sing_ to see the marks on Kili’s skin.

There’s a monstrous pull inside of himself that makes him go back to Kili’s neck, placing light kisses and soft licks against the heated and bruised skin. This is how he takes care of his mate; how he will soothe the skin and make the marks ache a little less. His beasts power curls around Kili, wraps him in a cocoon of warmth and love as he continues to mouth gently around the expanse of his neck.

Hormones filter through the air, arousal and want and need and it’s clouding his head, so he holds Kili close and rubs his face against his cheek because that’s the only thing that he can do in this situation. It’s the only thing that he’ll allow himself to do, even if his beast is growling and tearing at the cage of his mind, wanting desperately to touch and taste Kili in more intimate ways.

Studiously ignoring the bulge in his jeans is something that he’s beginning to master, and he even manages to have enough self control to not rut up against Kili like he truly wants to. There’s sweat beaded up on his brow, but his tongue is on Kili’s skin and he’ll take that over anything, even if he ends up blue-balling for the next five hours.

“Can I – I want –will you let me mark you?”

Everything stops and then it picks up again, heart colliding with the walls of his chest because he knew that he wanted Kili, but he honestly hadn’t been positive until this point that Kili truly wanted him. His chest rumbles with pleasure, hands maneuvering Kili so that he’s in a better position.

“Of course. Whatever you want.”

Kili is much more gentle than Fili was, nose nuzzling gently against his cheek and lips grazing across he scruff of his beard. Breath ghosts across his skin, shivers spreading through him in a way that only Kili could inspire. Curling up softly against him, Kili presses tiny kisses all along his neck, beneath his jaw and rubbing against his stubble.

“Do you like beard burn or something?” Fili chuckles. He doesn’t get a direct response at first, just a little shrug and another slide of Kili’s tongue on the scruffy underside of his jaw.

“I like you. How you feel when your face is next to mine, all scruffy and.. and maybe I like beard burn a little bit.”

Laughter bubbles up and he can’t stop himself from giving in, eyes squinching shut as he throws his head back and laughs. His mate doesn’t seem to like that, grumbling something about dumb blondes before he’s latching onto Fili’s neck with his teeth, pulling gently at the skin before he lets go and licks.

To say that Fili’s laughter cuts off is an understatement. It’s more like the oxygen has been sucked out of his brain and blood and there’s no way that he’s going to be able to function, holy hell. It’s all panting and Kili is licking at his neck so unbelievably soft and sweet, hesitant and it feels like such a tease but he knows that it’s because Kili is scared. It was obvious that he had never scent marked before, and his first time was with his mate.

He can smell the anxiety that floats off of Kili, but there’s more, loyalty and arousal and… and love. It’s enough to make his cock twitch and dribble in his pants and he doesn’t even try to stop the little moan that eases past his lips. Kili pauses for only a moment before he continues on, pressing his teeth gently into skin for long moments before he lets go and licks.

It’s agonizingly soft, slow and driving him so goddamn crazy that he feels like his head is going to pop off. He wants and he needs and Kili is moving against him, hips rolling gently against him and he doesn’t want this to be some hormone induced frenzy, he doesn’t want Kili to regret this later.

“Kili, Kili we don’t have to – this can just be scent marking, it’s-“

“It can be a bit more than scent marking. I promise.”

“I.. are you sure Kili? This is what you want?”

“Yes. I’ll tell you to stop if I want you to.”

His words ghost across Fili’s lips, and there’s nothing else to say, not at this point anyway. Lips touch soft and it’s a mess after that, gripping fingers and ravaging mouths, huffed breaths and strangled moans. Hips roll and bulges slip slide underneath layers of fabric, gasps of pleasure mingling between one another.

“I- clothes off,” Kili hisses, fingers pulling at Fili’s cotton shirt. Brown eyes are fevered, lips glistening and cheeks flushed, and he’s just so god damn beautiful. Fili will _never_ give this up.

It doesn’t take long for clothes to be shed, hands working to remove cloth and denim. It’s a mess of limbs, and Fili may or may not accidently elbow Kili in the chest, but they manage to get everything off.

And he’s nervous, so god damn nervous because he doesn’t want to mess anything up and he has no idea as to what Kili wants from all of this. All he knows is that he shouldn’t feel this flustered, not when they’ve seen one another naked quite a few times at this point. But it’s different now that he’s allowed to touch and want sexually.

“What do you want Kee? I – tell me what you want.”

“Just not.. can we stick with uhm.. anything that isn’t anal? I just- I-“

“You don’t have to explain Kili. Whatever you want.”

“Okay.”

His mate is flushed a bright pink, legs parted wide so that Fili can lie comfortably between them. Kili rolls his hips up experimentally; his length slipping along Fili’s and it’s enough to make his breath hitch, head falling back against the pillow as the blond sensuously rolls back.

It’s a mess of tangled limbs and hitched breath, cocks leaking and adding a smooth glide to their movements. Kili’s breath hitches as he feels his beast entwining with Fili’s, pleasant hum filling his body, and he has never felt so cared for and loved while doing a sexual act.

They kiss and lick, mouth at curves of faces and rut against each other like the animals that they are. It’s heated, slick and wet, fingers intertwined and chests heaving as they whimper and moan in counterpart to one another.

Kili practically whines when Fili stops, reaches down and wraps his hand around their leaking cocks, pumping up and down with smooth sure strokes.

“F-fuck! I – faster, please faster,” Kili whines, hips continuing to roll as Fili’s body shakes above him, sweat beading along his skin at the strain of holding himself up with one arm. But he goes faster, pumps quick and thumbs along Kili’s slit with every upstroke. It drives him wild, makes his gut clench up with heat and his vocal chords tear out a low growl.

Brown eyes stay focused on the plains of Fili’s face, watching the way it twists with pleasure and his mouth going slack with every shiver that runs through his body. It makes Kili want to be closer, to swallow Fili up and have the blond live inside of his skin. His very being tingles with need, an electric heat that soars and coalesces his every sense so that he is nothing but a ball of nerves and pleasure.

Every cell, every neuron and molecule is focused on the sound of slick flesh and the feel of a thumb catching on his frenulum, rubbing over his slit and rolling back down. His orgasm comes over him like an unexpected tidal wave, tearing through him and crashing down the fabric of his being.

Abdominals clench and Kili is in pure bliss, vision a swirl of black dots and cock throbbing with pulsations. Splashes of come add an extra sloppy wet glide to Fili’s hand, and it’s so fucking hot. Fili keeps on stroking as he nears his own completion, rubbing Kili’s over sensitized cock and it aches in all the right ways, but he can’t help but to whimper at the perfect too much feeling.

Fili growls low when he reaches his own completion, a sound that punches out from his chest as he splashes over Kili’s pelvis. He feels his own cock twitch as it ekes out a final little dribble of come, flesh aching as he whimpers beneath his mate.

It takes only a few moments before Fili is collapsing on top of Kili, bodies sticky and slick with fluids. He runs his fingers through blond tangles, reveling in the feeling that he actually feels content. He’s _happy_ , and it’s so completely foreign that he just wants to giggle.

“I love you Kili.”

He can’t even deny how he feels anymore; he’s so _fucked_ when it comes to Fili.

“I love you too.”

Fili’s beast absolutely _preens_ at the words, just wanting to curl around Kili and nuzzle against him. He settles instead for kissing Kili thoroughly and softly, licking ever so gently and moving with the utmost care.

It’s terrifying, how wonderful Kili feels right now. He kisses back with his own level of sweetness; lets Fili nuzzle his face against his neck and place soft kisses against the bruised skin. Already the abrasions are starting to fade, only ever so slightly, but it’s enough for Fili to suck more marks into Kili’s skin.

“Such a brute,” Kili grumbles.

“I know. I’ll make up for it though, promise.”

He means to ask what that entails exactly, but he finds out quick enough as Fili slides down the length of his body. Tongue licks softly at the ridges of his hips, cleaning up the mess that they had made. It’s soft and sweet, and it makes Kili feel taken care of. It makes him love Fili even more, if that’s possible.

“Can we take a shower? Before you put me to sleep?” He mumbles. Sleep is so very near when he’s being lulled so gently into its embrace.

“How about a bath? I think it’s a bath night more than a shower night.”

Fili slides off of the bed as he speaks, grabbing Kili’s hand as he pulls him out of the bed.

“Alright.. But you have to wash my hair.”

“Okay, lazy bones. I’ll wash my little wolfy until he’s nice and clean.”

“I’ll show you little wolfy,” Kili grumbles.

It’s gentle banter that makes his heart swell, and if he lets Fili wash him entirely, that’s just a bonus for him.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've finally finished an update for this fic! Sorry for how long its taken me to do this! But thanks for sticking around :) 
> 
> This update is cute and sad (really sad once you get into it oops) but I am known for angst, so, yeah, here we go. 
> 
> Kudos and Comments are always appreciate (we all know that drill by now), let me know what you think! 
> 
> Most important of all, thanks for coming back for some more :)
> 
> P.S. This is probably riddled with mistakes so sorry in advance!

* * *

Kili wakes up the next morning in a cocoon of warmth. They’re lying on their sides, Fili behind him with an arm curled over his waist and a leg slotted in between his own. There are so many things that need to be done, but after their acts of the previous night, Kili feels like an entirely new being.

The ever-present looming fear in his chest has evaporated; the sense of panic and the rush of thought that he needs to run, to hide and flee and never be stay in one place for too long. Here in Fili’s arms, it feels like home. And he’s not feeling the fear that’s eaten him alive since the day he was bitten and raped, the mind numbing grief and pain no longer thrumming through him. It’s a low ebb in the background, a low note in this new life of his.

Ever so slowly he shifts in Fili’s arms, turning until he is face to face with his mate. Brown eyes study his form, taking in the beautiful Skinchanger that he can now call his own. And Fili is beautiful, with his golden waves of hair that halo around his head and his pretty blue eyes. But it’s so much more than that. It’s the light freckles spread across his nose and beneath his eyes, the soft grace of his lashes and the scruff that lines his strong jaw.

A single finger rises up to run along the curve of the sleeping blonds lips, tracing along his cheeks until his fingers curl softly into Fili’s hair. It’s thick, soft in his hands and lovely to rub his fingers through. He gets lost in the texture of it, eyes zeroed in on the minute shifts of gold to platinum to honey. Blue eyes crack open, but Kili doesn’t really notice, too focused on petting through hair.

“Having fun?” Fili murmurs, shifting his loose arms so that they curl tighter around his mate.

“Mhm. Your hair’s so pretty.”

Fili snorts, presses a kiss to Kili’s forehead before he starts rubbing the pads of his fingers lightly against the nape of the brunets neck. Kili’s reaction is almost instant, practically purring as he curls his head down, making it easier for Fili to pet away.

“Looks like I found your weakness. All I need to do is play with your hair or let you play with mine, and you are completely immobilized.”

“Shutup and pet me.”

Fili laughs at his grumbled words, smiles brightly and moves to run his hands through his hair, feeling the way it slips through the gaps of his fingers. It’s much easier to get through than Fili’s, not half as thick and silky soft.

“You’re unbelievable. But we need to get up. There’s a lot we need to get done today.”

As much as he knows that he should be scared out of his mind, things don’t seem as bleak as they did yesterday. He wants to stay hazed in happiness while he can, completely aware that once they leave this bedroom the world will come crashing down around them.

“Ugh. Fine. But I want more head scratches tonight.”

“Deal.”

Fili doesn’t waste any time in crawling out of the bed, arms curling up into the air as shoulders roll, back arching and ass flexing as he stretches out. Kili particularly likes looking at his ass, contemplating how supple and pert it looks. He can even imagine how nice a bite mark would look _right_ there.

“Stop checking me out and get out of bed, lazy.”

“You are seriously killing me right now.”

Groaning, he rolls out of bed, fingers running through the mess of his hair as he contemplates a shower.

“My clothes are still outside.”

“Start a shower. I’ll go grab them real quick.”

“Thanks.”

He practically saunters into the bathroom, turning on the shower and waiting for a hot steam to build up before he steps in. Blistering warmth pounds against the skin of his back, spreading through muscle until it slips through into the very marrow of his bones. It’s only a few minutes later that Fili is slipping in behind him, pressing a kiss to the curve of his spine.

“They all smelled your mark on me. Mum’s practically preening right now, going on and on about how great you are.”

“M’not that great.”

“I disagree with that.”

He almost falls asleep standing up once Fili starts to wash his hair, soaping him up and scratching away at his scalp. The reason he moves under the spray of water to rinse it out is because Fili maneuvers him there, and that’s a struggle in itself.

“No falling asleep. You’ll take me down with you if you fall over.”

“Selfish.”

“I just have a sense of self preservation.”

“I think half the pack would disagree with that. But it’s okay, because I’m quite happy that you’ve decided to keep me around.”

“I’m glad you wanted to stay.”

“Me too.”

* * *

 

Most of the pack is eating at the table by the time they finally get dressed and head out. Bombur has a fresh batch of pancakes set out on the table, as well as a serving bowl of scrambled eggs. Fili grabs an empty chair, and Kili sits down beside him, body leaning close so that the skin of their arms touches.

Some of the pack gives covert looks, eyeing up the almost faded bruises that litter his neck. If it were anyone besides Fili that put the marks on his skin, he’d feel embarrassed and humiliated. But he bears the marks of his Alpha upon his skin, the deep smell of his scent smeared across his person. In the past it would make him feel used up and dirty. Here he feels loved and cherished.

“Pancakes?” Bofur sits on his other side, offering up the plate stacked with the breakfast food.

“Thanks.” He takes two, dousing them in syrup. Fili grabs eggs and bacon, bypassing the pancakes with a look of distaste, snagging a cup of coffee soon after.

“So. What’s the game plan for today, Fili?”

Kili watches as Fili chews his food, swallowing before he gives an answer. His eyes stay focused on his plate until he’s ready to speak.

“I’ll call Aragorn after I’m done to set up a meeting. I’d like you to come with me, Dwalin and Balin as well.”

“Are you bringing Kili?”

Everyone turns to look at him now, Fili included. He’s feeling a bit put on the spot, to be honest, but it’s not like he really has a choice in not going, to be honest. It would be remiss of him not to go, considering this mess was his fault in the first place.

“It’d be pretty shitty of me not to.”

He gets a few smiles from that, but the general air is one of worry and tension. It doesn’t take him long to go back to his pancakes, nibbling away at the sticky sweet bites. Fili eyes him with blatant adoration. It certainly makes him preen.

But all too soon breakfast is wrapping up, and Frerin, Balin, and Dwalin are rising from their seats. Fili is standing up as well, pulling out his cell phone and motioning for the chosen group to come outside with him.

“I’ll put him on speaker phone,” Fili says, pressing a few buttons before the sound of ringing hits the air.

Kili fidgets, insides feeling tight and his lungs feeling constricted already. Nothing has even happened yet, the day has just begun, but the anxiousness makes itself at home within his core. It takes two more rings for the phone to be answered.

“Fili. To what do I owe pleasure?”

“I’d like to set up a meeting with you, today if you can. My packs in a bit of a.. tight spot, right now, and we need some help.”

“What exactly is going on?”

“Myself and a few others would rather talk to you about it in person. It’s not really something that should be discussed over the phone.

Aragorn is silent for a beat; breathe ghosting along the line before he goes to speak.

“Would a meeting in one hour be agreeable to you?”

“That would be more than agreeable Aragorn, thank you.”

“Safe travels, friend.”

The line clicks.

“We should head out now if we want to get there. We’ll have to skirt around the town to avoid traffic, and if we do that, it’ll only be a forty five minute ride.” Balin’s brows are pulled together; his already lined face deepening with worried furrows. He wishes that he knew what was going on in the older mans head.  

“Alright. We’ll take your car, Frerin. It looks better if we show them we’re a single unit.” Fili leads the group into the garage, grabbing a set of keys off the rack before he walks over to a blue car. Kili can make out the shape of cages in the back; can see dark stains upon the concrete that he doubts are fluids from a car.

Wandering eyes are pulled away when Fili grabs his hand, meeting his gaze for but a moment before he’s tugging the brunet towards the car. His fingers feel nice and comforting against his skin. He never wants to let go.

But he has to, hands parting as Fili circles to the driver’s seat and Kili scoots into the passenger seat by unspoken agreement. He is, after all, Lupa of the pack, and that fills him with equal parts of terror and satisfaction.

* * *

 

The car ride feels longer than it actually lasts. It’s the way the air is filled with nervous energy, how no one speaks and the radio plays softly in the background like a broken lullaby. He feels bone weary, like his mind is asleep and his body has him on auto-pilot.

It feels like a blink but a year all at the same time.

Before he knows it they are driving down a winding dirt road that leads them deep into a forest. The trees are more pine and fir than anything, adding an almost eerie quality. Kili prefers the friendly warmth of the maples and oaks at home.

_Home_. He hasn’t been able to use that word in so very long.

He doesn’t get to dwell on it, not when the forest opens up to reveal scattered houses within a giant clearing. As soon as they exit the car he is hit with the smell of a foreign pack, the pungent scent making his beast recoil and pace inside of himself. It sets his teeth on edge, so much so that he almost snaps when Frerin places a comforting hand on his back. Fili coming beside him is the only thing that makes him relax.

They wait silently together, eyes scanning the area in search of the ones they are meant to meet. It takes long minutes, a shift in the wind, but he sees them; a group of wolves on the outskirts of the clearing.

He sees the man first, wearing a pair of faded jeans and a long tunic. He’s tall, eyes a piercing grey and hair salt and peppered. Kili can feel the alpha power that swirls off of him, strong and battle hardened. His Lupa feels much the same, her long dark hair flowing over her simple cloth gown.

“Fili. Frerin, Dwalin, and Balin. It is nice to see you again.” Aragorn inclines his head, a light smile spread upon his lips. Kili feels nervous when those eyes land upon him, but he stands tall and meets his gaze. The other Alphas smile only widens.

“You’ve taken a mate. I’m happy for you, Fili. You deserve good things.”

“What’s your name, little Lupa?” The woman is smiling at him, her eyes ever so bright. It feels like she can see into his soul.

“Kili.”

“And I am Arwyn. It’s nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you as well.” He manages to give a bit of a shy smile, which serves to make hers even wider. Fili relaxes beside him.

“Thank you Aragorn, Arwyn. It’s nice to see you as well.”

“Yes. But I doubt you came here just to exchange pleasantries. What brings you to our home?”

Fili doesn’t waste any time beating around the bush. He explains their situation, the others adding in a brief comment here and there, and Aragorn and Arwyn listen. Kili feels nervous and guilty all over again, hearing Fili explain just how much danger the pack is in.

“We need help. We can’t face Smaug on our own, and as soon as he finds out that Kili is in our pack of all places, he’ll destroy us. So I’m asking.. we, are asking, for you to help us rid ourselves of a monster and a common enemy. Please.”

Aragorn’s face is composed, eyes looking into the forest, but he gives nothing away. Even his heartbeat is calm and controlled. It takes him a moment before he speaks.

“How do you feel about all of this, Kili?”

He’s surprised that he’s the one being addressed, heart beating so loudly in his ears that he’s positive the wolves on the other side of the clearing can hear him easily. Kili fidgits, swallows hard and doesn’t know where to look. His voice is hoarse and rough, like his throat is sleep sore after a restless night.

“Terrible. I know I’m putting everyone in danger by being here.. I know that people could die, just because I don’t want to leave somewhere that I feel happy and loved. There are people in the pack who don’t even like me but.. I love all of them, even though they might not be able to love me. I’d like to do whatever I can to protect them, even if it’s something that’ll hurt me in the process.”

Fili tangles his fingers with his own, squeezing hard as his thumb caresses along his skin. Aragorn nods his head slowly, meeting Arwyn’s gaze for long moments before he looks back to Fili.

“We will help you. Not only because of the favor that we owe your pack, but because it is the right thing to do. Smaug has terrorized Skinchangers for too long, and he must be dealt with.”

“I will speak to my father as well. I’m sure he’ll be in agreement that it is time for a new age for Skinchangers.”

“Thank you, this.. this truly means everything to us, it’s.. It’s a ray of hope during a very dark time.”

Kili can sense the way that Fili’s beast is practically prancing with joy, can feel the warmth of his skin and the vibration of energy that he gives off. It makes him smile. Aragorn smiles as well, holding up a hand.

“There’s no need to thank us Fili. Our packs have been friends for decades. Keep us updated. We will speak to Elrond, and if all goes well, he will get into contact with you. I must ask, though, on who else you plan on getting involved.”

“Bard. I’ve spoken to him already. Thranduil, but I’m not sure of how that will turn out. We’re going to try and talk to Legolas first, I think. And.. Bilbo, but.. I don’t see him agreeing to help. Not after what happened with Thorin.”

“Bilbo is full of surprises, Fili. If you go to him in person, explain the situation to him, I’m sure that he would help. His hatred for Smaug burns just as brightly as yours.”

Fili only nods, his face a mask of calm. Kili wishes more than ever that he knew all about Fili’s past, or that he could at least read his mind. Anything that would give him insight into Fili was important.

“I’ll think about it. Thank you again, Aragorn and Arwyn. This means more to us than you understand.”

“Keep us updated. We’ll be waiting to hear from you.”

Inclining their heads, they turn away, moving to join with their pack. Kili watches them with wide eyes, interested in seeing the way they all converge together, playing and teasing before they break out into a run. It looks like fun.

“C’mon. We have another stop to make,” Fili murmurs.

Frerin tenses, Dwalin sighs, and Balin is the one who ventures to say something.

“Do you think that’s a good idea, laddie? A phone call might be best, considering how things ah.. how they left off.”

“If we give him a phone call he’ll say no before we can even get a word out, and you know it Balin.”

He’s so god damn confused by this entire conversation, and he doesn’t like being out of the loop at all. Kili is curious by nature, and he’s part of this pack now, so he deserves to know what’s going on. Right?

Fili must sense his curiosity, fingers running through his hair and eyes looking tired as he motions everyone back to the car.

“Bilbo was Thorin’s mate. We were in the process of merging our packs when everything happened with Smaug. He attacked Bilbo and everything went to hell. I became Alpha and Bilbo.. he wanted nothing to do with us, said he was done and stopped taking our calls, wouldn’t come around or anything. He didn’t want to be around us anymore because it was too painful for him and the rest of his pack. We haven’t seen him since.”

“Which is why this isn’t a good idea for us to just show up, Fili, he’s going to be pissed,” Frerin sighs, leaning against the side of the car.

“We’re going. If he says no, he says no. There’s nothing else we can do about it if that’s the case.”

They all pile into the car, and it’s another hour of near silent driving. Balin and Dwalin murmur together in the back, but Kili doesn’t really pay that much attention. He’s too focused on the way that tension bleeds into Fili the closer that they get too their destination. He grabs Fili’s hand and wraps his fingers around the blonds, squeezing gently.

Once they reach a dirt road, Fili pulls the car over and gets out.

“We’ll walk from here. You’re right that he won’t be welcoming, and I’d rather not be confined in a car once the patrol figures out we’re here.”

“Fili, this isn’t a good idea. What if the kids are around? Frodo, Pip, and the rest, they’ll all be 17 or 18 by now. They’re going to be angry and upset if they see us.”

Balin nitpicks and Fili glares, nails digging into the palms of his hands and a low growl building up from his throat.

“If you want to stay in the car, you’re more than welcome. “

Fili turns and starts walking. Balin follows along with the rest of them, uneasiness spilling off of him. It makes the rest of the group tense, shoulders hunched and eyes darting around the forested sides of the road.

They make it maybe a mile before the undergrowth begins to shift, a pair of bright-eyed bobcats circling around them. One of them snarls, baring its teeth as its tail swishes in the air. Kili doesn’t think that he likes them, the way the smell and they give off a clear sense of dislike.

“Hello, Sam. Pip.”

Fili’s words are met with a snarl, the bobcat leaping towards him. He doesn’t even try to defend himself, lets the creature push him down and stand on his chest, claws clenching into the fabric of his shirt and puncturing through skin. Kili snarls, goes to walk forward but Frerin is grabbing onto his arm, shaking his head no.

The other bobcat, Pip apparently, makes a low chirping noise, walking up to the Sam and nudging him gently. It takes a few minutes of growling and nudging, but the cat eventually lets him up. Kili is practically seething from the blood that’s soaked through Fili’s shirt. He doesn’t like these skinchangers at all.

Sam yowls and then they wait, and it’s not long before a few men walk out from the surrounding wood, watching the way their faces range from confusion, uneasiness, and complete anger. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.

It’s a boy maybe a little younger than him that walks forward, wide bright blue eyes and dark brown curls. There’s a small frown on his lips, but he doesn’t look completely enraged. If anything, there’s a sense of anger and unease pouring off of him.

“What are you doing here, Fili?

“We want to talk to Bilbo.”

“About what?”

Fili hesitates for a moment, meeting Balin’s gaze and shaking his head.

“It would be better if-“

“You’re not seeing him unless you tell me exactly what you want to discuss with him. He’s been through enough already, we all have.”

“It’s about Smaug.”

Little growls of anger spread through the group, Frodo’s face going slightly pale, arms crossing tightly over his chest.

“What about him?”

“I’m not telling you that. Either you let us see him, or we leave with him none the wiser. It’s your choice.”

Blue eyes track across the group, pausing on Kili before he looks back to Fili. His jaw is tight, but his arms uncross, gesturing for them to follow.

“Fine. I can’t guarantee that he’ll talk to you though. It’s been extremely difficult for him, and seeing all of you again is just going to open up new wounds.”

He doesn’t bother to wait for a response, turning around and walking down the road. The other bobcats follow, and so does the rest of their little group. Kili feels uneasy. This meeting isn’t welcoming by any means, and he doesn’t like the hostility of this pack of Skinchangers.

Fili is too preoccupied to offer with his own thoughts to think about the others. Kili can see it in the lines of his face and the way his body is held so taught and controlled. Balin, Dwalin, and Frerin don’t seem to be any better than their Alpha.

It doesn’t take them long to reach a cozy looking home, burrowed into the back of a hill. A group of Skinchangers out front freeze where they are, a few little ones slowly prowling forward before a few of the elders corral them back. There’s a girl with blond hair standing out front, eyes bright as she watches their group.

“Rosie, can you go and tell Bilbo that Alpha Durin is here, please?”

Rosie shoots Frodo a warm smile before she goes into the house. From there, they wait. It feels like hours, bobcats prowling and all eyes on them, all turning to glare as the tension slowly rises within the group. There’s a knot of anxiety building up in his chest, feet shifting uneasily as his eyes dart around the growing group of people and bobcats.

There’s not a single part of him that enjoys this situation, and he wishes that Fili had gone with Balin’s suggestion. This situation, it was just… painful. But there’s a door creaking open, dark sandy waves of hair, a tired face, and dark eyes filled with pain.

“To what do I owe the pleasure of you and part of your pack, Fili?”

“I’d rather talk about it in private, if you don’t mind.”

Frodo glares, lips twitching the tiniest bit. For a moment, Kili thinks that Frodo is going to out them right then and there, but he surprisingly says nothing. Bilbo looks less than willing to talk though.

“I’m sure you would. But I think that might not be the best idea.”

“I think you should listen, Uncle. What Fili has to say sounds important,” Frodo sighs, keeping his gaze focused on Bilbo. Levels of enthusiasm haven’t increased a single bit, but Bilbo waves them forward, a movement quite similar to that of his nephews.

“Come on then. The study will work well enough.”

The bobcats and people part, allowing Fili and their group to pass through to the front door. The knot of tension in his chest still hasn’t gone away, nerves on fire from being around so many skinchangers at once. He doesn’t like being in this foreign place at all, even if everything feels warm and homey on the inside.

“It’s a bit of a mess right now, so sorry about that I suppose. Find a seat where you can.”

Everything is bathed in golden light, the walls lined with books and comfy armchairs littered about the room. There are a few pictures above a mantel over the fire, a red and gold rug, and papers strewn all about. The desk is a mess, pens and paper and books all over it. Kili only sits down once Fili has pulled a chair over for him, and Bilbo watches with tired eyes, moving behind his desk.

“And who is he?”

Fili gives Bilbo a bit of a look, and Kili doesn’t bother to wait for the blond to introduce him. He’s more than capable to speak for himself.

“My name’s Kili, and I’m his mate.”

Bilbo’s eyes dance between the two; lips going a bit tight and eyes shining with what he thinks might be regret.

“Well, Kili, I hope your relationship with a Durin ends up better than mine did.”

“That’s completely uncalled for Bilbo.”

Fili’s hands are clenching onto the arms of the chair, eyes flashing and jaw straining. Frerin and Dwalin seem equally upset, and it doesn’t take long for the room to fill with tension and anger again. He can feel it bleeding across his skin.

“I disagree. I think your pack should come with a warning label, to be quite honest about it.”

The room is almost roaring with silence, if that’s possible. Kili doesn’t even want to swallow, not with the way that Bilbo and Fili are eyeing one another, anger pouring off of the both of them.

“You chose to get involved, you-“

“I didn’t choose a _thing_ when it came to Thorin. You know as well as I that man had a way about him that made you want to do whatever he said. Why do you think it took so long for everything to fall apart? For you to finally challenge him? Because despite   everything he put all of us through, there was a part of you that still wanted to follow him, despite how asinine he was.”  


Fili is practically snarling, fangs bared and claws protruding from his fingers. Bilbo is just the same, eyes bright with poisonous rage.

“He was my _Uncle_ , my _Alpha_ , of course I wanted to follow him! But I chose my own path, I-“

“This boy here? He’s your mate? Imagine he started changing. Just a bit at a time, little shifts of his personality that weren’t quite noticeable at first. But then things really take a turn, and you keep telling yourself that it’s just a mood, that it’ll pass, but it doesn’t. It gets worse. But he’s your mate, and you love him more than anything, you would do and _be_ anything that he wanted you to be. That situation, that manipulation, it changed me. So I’m quite sorry if you’re offended that I cut off all ties, but it was a bit difficult for me after losing one of the most important people of my life to madness.”

Kili feels sick and twisted, imagining himself in that dark of a place. He’s not sure if he’d be able to stop himself from doing whatever Fili wanted. Their bond runs deep and strong, and the very thought of truly betraying his mate makes his heart squeeze tight. By how pale his face is, Kili can tell that he’s thinking much the same.

“Bilbo… I’m sorry that everything happened the way it did. I understand your pain better now, because I can’t imagine losing Kili. But.. we need your help. I’m here… we, are here, because we need to overcome the past.”

Bilbo doesn’t say anything for a moment, nose twitching as he fiddles with a pen on his desk. Kili just wants to leave.

“Help with what?”

“Smaug.”

“Are you _seriously-“_

“Just listen, okay! He wants Kili and with the history we have.. he needs to be stopped. I’ve already spoken to Aragorn, and he’s willing to work with us and get Elrond on our side as well. I’m waiting to hear back from Bard. We could really use you Bilbo. You have a greater reason than most to hate the man.”

“Is he worth it? Putting your entire pack on the line for a boy who apparently hasn’t been around for all that long?”

“He’s my mate he-“

“That’s the kind of thinking that gets you into trouble, Fili.”

It’s back to snarling and anger, both men standing and Dwalin and Frerin moving to do the same. Kili doesn’t like it, doesn’t like how they settle their problems with anger and rage. Whatever happened to talking things out? They hadn’t seemed to get the memo.

“I’m not you, and I’m not Thorin. If you don’t want to help us, then fine. Say the word, and we’re gone.”

“That’s not much of a choice now, is it? You’ll need as much help as you can get, and despite the fact that you’re still an annoying little brat, I do have a soft spot for you, all things considered. So yes, I will offer my services to you.”

To say that Fili is surprised is an understatement. He looks at Bilbo like the man has three heads, staring at him with an equal mix of annoyance and confusion.

“You couldn’t have just said that in the first place?” Frerin sighs.

“I’ve never been very good at censoring myself, and to be quite frank, I’m allowed to speak my mind in my own home.”

“You haven’t changed at all, Bilbo.”

The man smiles softly at Fili, a look of sadness in his eyes.

“I wish I could say that I agree with that. But.. life goes on.”

Anger takes a backseat after that, the two of them speaking about this or that, but Kili isn’t really paying attention at this point. He’s just wants to go home, to be around familiar people and scents that don’t put him on edge. Dwalin and Balin move forward, so he stands up and moves back, walking around the room and looking around at the book titles. They are all spotless, not an ounce of dust on any of them. It’s apparent that though the room might be a mess, Bilbo is more than willing to make sure that his books are in order.

Making his way around the room, he stops at the mantel, taking in a few painted pictures of men than hold a great deal of similarity to Bilbo himself. There’s a photograph of a woman as well, Bilbo’s mother he thinks. It’s a small half hidden that he sees next, in a small picture frame that’s about the size of the palm of his hand.

He doesn’t even think about it, picks up the frame and looks at the picture within. The entire world slows down, breath catching in his throat and fingers letting go, picture frame dropping and glass shattering on the ground. The knot of anxiety he’d been feeling earlier rears it’s head, cresting into waves of fear. His chest instantly constricts, images flashing before his eyes. Everything feels numb and cold, and it’s almost like he’s back in that alleyway, with those hands on his body and those eyes raking over him. Everything feels tight and aching, dropping to his knees and all he can see are those eyes, those eyes that he used to see in every stranger, around corners and haunting him in his dreams. His body is shaking and he’s gasping for air, world spinning around him and he feels hands on his arms and he lashes out because those hands and those eyes touching him, tearing him into pieces and he _can’t._

* * *

 

Kili is sobbing and Fili is trying to understand what’s going on. But every time he tries to comfort Kili, to hold him or to speak to him, he lashes out, claws raking towards him. He’s already been caught on the shoulder once, blood dripping down the skin. He doesn’t try to touch him again, not yet at least.

“What the hell happened, he was fine a minute ago!” Dwalin hisses, standing anxiously at the side.

“I don’t know, just back up and give us some space so I can try and calm him down.”

They all move back slowly, Bilbo grabbing at the broken from on the ground and trying to at least swipe the glass away from Kili. He seems to sense the movement, lashing out towards Bilbo, but he manages to dart away in time to not get cut.

“Kili, honey, listen to my voice. You’re okay. You’re safe here, whatever your seeing right now isn’t real. You’re safe with me, I promise. Everything’s going to be okay.”

He wants to get close, to just wrap his arms around his mate, but Kili is sobbing and shaking and he doesn’t want to scare him or make anything worse. So he keeps talking.

“I’m right here with you Kili. Nothings going to hurt you while I’m here. I promise, I’ll keep you safe from everything. But you have to breath, okay? Just try and breathe with me, nice and slow.”

Dragging in a deep breath, he holds it for a few seconds, releases long and pulls another back in. Kili is still shaking, eyes leaking tears but the choked gasping isn’t as bad as before. Brown eyes are focused on his, lips quivering as he tries to pull in a stuttered breath.

They breathe like that for a few minutes, and when Fili is no longer afraid that he’s going to get his eyes clawed out, he shuffles forward ever so slowly, fingers moving gently against Kili’s shoulder. Its like that one touch is all he needs, practically flinging himself into Fili’s arms, pressing up as close as he can get. Sitting on the floor, he cocoons his mate, arms curled protectively around him as he looks up at the other skinchangers in the room.

He doesn’t talk, just breathes as gently as he can as he looks up at the others, a question in his eyes. Dwalin and Frerin watch him pale faced, but Bilbo only looks extremely confused by everything that’s going on. Frerin is the one, grim faced, that holds up the little picture. It’s a very familiar face, one he grew up loving and adoring, dark hair and icy blue eyes, and the most brilliant of smiles.

Thorin.

For a moment, he doesn’t breathe. It’s a buzzing white noise and a sharp ache through his chest, harsh reality crashing through him and he doesn’t know what to do or say, because there is only one thing that gets Kili this way.

“Kili, I- shit.”

“H-he’s th-the one-“

“I know Kee, you don’t- I know, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, I promise you don’t.”

Kili _laughs_ , hysterical sounds that escape from his throat and course through his body.

“Wh-who would have thought that th-the entire reason I’m h-her is because-because your uncle b-bit me and r-raped me.”

Bilbo is making a noise and Frerin swears, Dwalin and Balin are painfully silent, Kili is crying and Fili.. Fili has no idea what the hell he should do.

“We need to go home. Now. Dwalin, you drive? I’ll sit in the back with Kili and Frerin. Do you want to walk, or do you want me to carry you?”

Kili clings onto him, and he takes that as an answer. Bilbo watches him, complexion milky white and eyes blistering with raw disbelief and horror.

“Fili-“

“We’ll keep you updated, Bilbo. Thank you.”

He ignores the people who watch them leave, walks down the road with Kili in his arms and gets into the back of the car. Already Kili is starting to breath evenly again, face pressed against his shoulder and tears drying on his cheeks. Brown eyes are closed, and he thinks they maybe get five minutes into the drive before Kili is dead asleep.

“What are we going to do about this, Fili?”

“There’s nothing we can do about it, Dwalin. We just have to.. be here for him and let him come to terms with it. I just.. it might change things.”

Frerin shakes his head; brows furrowed and gaze steady on Fili.

“He loves you too much to change the way he feels for you, Fili. It might be hard for him to be in that house, and he might have a hard time looking at me or Dis, but he’s not going to think any less of you. You’re not Thorin.”

“I just-“

“Worry about it when we get home and he can talk to you about it.”

He knows that Frerin’s words make sense, but he can’t forget the pounding in his skull or the rolling ache in his stomach.

It feels like the world is going to hell all over again.

* * *

 

Sorry for the angsty ending, sorry sorry! Look me up on tumblr if you wish at letterstoshakespear and talk to me :)


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! 
> 
> I am so, so sorry that it took me so long to update this fic! I was going through a lot of personal crap mentally and relationship wise, and I wasn't in a good place for quite some time. But now, I'm back and feel like I can actually write again. 
> 
> Thank you to all the people who stuck through my hiatus, and especially to those who kept leaving comments on the fic letting me know that they'd still be around once I finally got to posting another update :) I hope you enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes, I haven't had anyone edit this but myself, and anyone who knows me knows that I'm not the best at editing. Either way, I hope you still enjoy it :)

* * *

 

The world is turned upside down. Things that once held meaning are now meaningless. At least, that’s how it feels. Loss, pain, agony; they are a myriad of emotions that twist his thoughts into thick knots that refuse to come undone. Everything is a mess.

There are many things in this world that Kili desperately wanted to know. Why him on that night? What made the man who so deeply violated him sink into that level of despair? What made him decide to give Kili the bite, to make him become a Skinchanger? There are so many things that he has wanted to know, so many unanswered questions. But knowing who… knowing who was something that he never wanted to know.

A certain distance sat between himself and the events of that night, a minuscule barrier that however small, had given him the barest amount of disconnection that he needed. Not knowing who it was made it less real. Many might say that not knowing would only mean increased fear, a rippling sea of anxiety that would plague him for the mere fact that not knowing who also meant not knowing _he_ was wherever he went, or if they would ever meet again.

That barest disconnection gave him the ability to move away from the city that he once called home, because not knowing his attacker meant there was no face to look for, no name to constantly listen for in hopes of attaining avoidance. And maybe that was backwards of him. Maybe knowing would have kept him out of this situation, away from the place that his rapist once called home.

He hadn’t remembered Thorin’s face, not until he saw the picture in Bilbo’s study. The only thing he had ever really remembered before that were his eyes. Cold ice chip eyes that haunted his nightmares, bleeding into his reality whenever he experienced a flashback. Now that he knows, part of him wonders how he hadn’t seen the resemblance in those eyes before. The other part of him isn’t surprised that he never put two and two together. Because Fili’s eyes may be blue as ice, but they are filled with laughter and warmth, not despair and madness.

That’s what they were like before this mess, at least. Now they are filled with horror and pain, a displaced agony that isn’t his own to bear. Fili doesn’t deserve to pay for the sins of his uncle, but their three fates and lives are so intertwined that it’s hard to know where guilt and blame should be placed. Their story is a mess of a tangled web, and Kili can’t help but to feel that fate, the master of the web, has chosen to abandon them to a slow sticky death of imprisonment upon it’s lengths.

It’s been twenty-four hours since he found out the name of his rapist, finally remembered the face of the man who had destroyed him so long ago. Despite never wanting to know, he thinks that there must be a small part of him that did, a voice that whispered that finding out would lay his demons to rest.

Knowing has caused emotions and thoughts to shift, but not in a way that made things ultimately different. There’s a small sense of acceptance, in the fact that knowing hasn’t suddenly cured him of anything. Knowing doesn’t change anything, it doesn’t make a single difference of what happened to him back then, and it never will make a difference. He was raped, and there is no changing that.

But maybe… maybe there is the slightest, barest sense of solace. Maybe this was the puzzle piece he needed to lay these demons to rest. Or maybe it meant nothing at all. All he knows is that he has been sitting in the woods alone for twenty-four hours since Fili, Frerin, and Dwalin had brought him home. No one has disturbed him yet, but members of the pack consistently come to check up on him, hanging back but making sure that he isn’t having another flashback.

He appreciates the space, because he needs time to think. Time to contemplate that Thorin’s actions had led him here, to a pack that cared about him and a man that he now called his mate. There’s a certain irony to it, that one mans delve into madness would bring about the destruction but rebirth of another.

And maybe that’s the thought that truly mattered. Maybe his years of agony, anxiety and fear had all led up to this. His second rebirth. It might have taken him years to get here and no small amount of pain, but things seem clearer now. He knows now that Killian Stratford died at the tender age of sixteen. That was his first rebirth. His second rebirth comes now.

Because he understands. He understands that there is no changing the past; he will live with this trauma for the rest of his life. The pain and anxiety, the hatred and the fear will come back like waves, but he will learn to swim through them, because they have controlled him for so very long. He knows that all people hold the power within themselves to commit acts of true evil, and that some will give in while others will overcome. Thorin lost his battle to his madness, destroying his pack and destroying the lives of many others.

Kili can’t let his own destruction turn him into nothing. He can’t let Thorin’s acts consume him anymore, to feed his beast with anger and rage, to allow him to live with the constant fear that he will ruin the lives of everyone that is around him. Kili understands, now. Before he was blinded by his own memories and doubt. Now he knows that he can master it, to use it to his advantage.

He knows that he won’t just heal from this, that it will take time before it becomes easier. The coming weeks will probably be the hardest, but he has a pack now. A pack that accepted him into their ranks, that was willing to go to war and die defending him. He won’t, he _can’t_ allow the stain of Thorin’s memory to ruin this new home. There’s no room for him or his memory in this pack anymore.

“Fili, I know you’re out there.”

The forest stays silent but for song birds and the chittering of squirrels, tree branches swaying and water trickling. He’s patient. Kili watches and waits, eyes the forest in search of where Fili will eventually decide to come out. It doesn’t take long for Fili to pad up silently beside him, ears pulled back slightly and head hung low.

“I want to talk to you, and not in wolf speak.”

Fili whines and snuffles a bit, but complies with the request. His eyes are circled with dark shadows, bruise like imprints that speak volumes about how Fili spent his night. Kili pats the spot beside him.

“I don’t blame you. None of you.”

“Kili, this- this is-“

“This is life. Questioning it, trying to think of all the things that you could have done to stop him from ever going out alone into the world… that’s not your fault. I can’t tell you how many years I’ve spent hating myself for not doing things differently that night, for not waiting for the bus instead of walking home, for not fighting harder or screaming louder. But it’s just… I’ve spent years. So much time that I’ll never get back thinking about it, and it’s not ever going to change. It won’t go away. You thinking about everything you could have done different won’t change anything either. It’ll just make you guilty.”

“I don’t understand how you’re being so calm about this.”

“I wasn’t calm. Not at first. You saw me at first. But this… it’s a mess. But part of me thinks that maybe… maybe it was worth it, in a way, for me to be able to be with you.”

Fili rears back at the words, eyebrows furrowed and head shaking violently at the words, hands grasping tightly around his.

“Don’t say that Kili, _nothing_ is worth what you went through, absolutely nothing.”

“And maybe it’s not Fili. Maybe there isn’t anything that’s worth it, but if I tell myself that it means something good, anything good, then I can learn to deal with it. Because I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for Thorin, Fili. I wouldn’t have you or the pack.”

Fili lets him go, hands curling into fists to rub at his eyes, uncurling to run through the tangles of his hair. His beast lets him know that Fili is uneasy, that he’s exhausted and riddled with regret and pain. He wants to know what Fili is thinking.

“I just… I don’t want you to trivialize what happened to you, I guess. Does that make sense?”

“I’m not trivializing it Fili. It’s shaped me into the person that I am now. I’m just… trying to find new ways to cope with it.”

“This just feels too easy. Everything has been so damn difficult, and this just feels… indescribable.”

“I mean, I can get angry at you if you want me to, I guess. I just don’t see how that’s going to make anything better. You didn’t know. It won’t change it. If anything, we should be angry with Smaug. He’s the root of all of this, Fili.”

“It makes me hate him all the more.”

They bask in silence, bodies pressed together as they listen to the sounds of nature. It’s a moment of peace at the eye of the storm, and he wouldn’t give it up for anything; the touch of his mate, the pure feeling of bliss that slips through his being at the sensation of their beasts entwining. The gentle kisses that are pressed against his cheek, the soft hands that hold him close but not too tight. It means everything.

“What does this change for you? Physically, I mean?”

“I’m not cured or anything. I’m still going to have flashbacks I’m sure, and I’ll still want you to ask me to do anything sexual. I’m just learning to let go of the emotional baggage at the moment I guess.”

“I’ll always ask your permission Kili. Even if you felt like you’d never have another flashback or issue with me getting in your space again. I’m starting to realize that maybe the old ways aren’t necessarily the right ways when it comes to pack laws and dynamics.”

“Hm. And so my master plan unfolds. Slowly but surely getting the bunch of you to stop acting like complete brutes.”

“Yeah well, I’m your brute.”

“True.”

They stay in the woods for an hour or so longer, enjoying one another’s presence in both silence and soft banter. It’s the most relaxed that either man has felt in days, bringing peace and clarity to their minds. But nothing peaceful can last forever.

Dashing feet and cracking branches bring them back to the realities of their lives, Dwalin shifting from his shaggy coal colored form to a one of glistening muscles and hard breathing.

“ Fili, Kili. Bard called back again and his pack is in, along with a few of the others around the lakes region. Elronds showed up at the house with a few of his own and wants to speak to you.”

Fili meets his gaze with incredulous eyes, heartbeat spiking and shaking breath pouring out from his lungs.

“Christ, this- this might actually work.”

“It will work,” Kili smiles soft, standing up and reaching his hand out to Fili. They’ll do this together.

 

* * *

 

 

Elronds beast is powerful but refined, a dark cloud of energy that is waiting for the perfect and most strategic moment to burst. He brings his two sons with him, Elladan and Elrohir, but Kili would know that they were Elrond’s just by the way that they carry themselves.

Fili does most of the speaking again while Kili watches with tired eyes. His presence alone is enough for this encounter, and he’s honestly just ready for a long night of sleep. And maybe a shower as well; a nice, lovely warm shower to ease out all the tense muscles in his shoulders and neck. His mind wanders slowly back to the conversation.

“Yes, we will back you, as I’m sure many of the other packs will do. But the question remains, how will we lure Smaug and the rest of his pack here? We must tread carefully on this, Fili. If he finds out that we have amassed ourselves into a single fighting unit, he won’t come out here himself, but rather wait for us to go to him. I think we both know that would mean slaughter.”

“If everyone continues to stay quiet, that’ll solve most of the problem I think. No one will want to let this get out in fear of the consequences. As for how we get him here and where we do this, I’m not sure. We can’t have everyone waiting close by or he’ll scent everyone. But if that’s the case, it means that my pack will be left to deal with the entirety of Smaug’s with no back-up for however long it takes for everyone to get here.”

Kili listens, and he thinks. The only logical way to get Smaug here was for his presence to be made known to a tracker or for a representative to be sent to the pack. Smaug would come out here himself for the mere fact that it would bring him no greater joy than to finally tear the pack to shreds.

Luring Smaug in would be easy. Hiding the scents of so many packs would be difficult at best. The only way to keep their pack from being destroyed would be to keep all of the other packs as close as possible. The true problem arose in that hiding that amount of concentrated scent would be nigh on impossible. There wouldn’t be a way to do it, they would have to try and last without Smaug tearing them apart.

“If we could have the other packs traveling upwind to us, we’d be able to hide the scent better. We could figure out a way to get some kind of signal off once Smaug shows up, that way everyone could start traveling. We’d have to try and distract him so he doesn’t just attack and tear us to shreds, but I think it would probably be the best option,” Kili says.

“I think that is the best option as well,” Elrond agrees, turning next to look back at Fili.

“Your mate has suggested the best option that we’re likely to find. He’ll send scouts ahead to search for anyone nearby.”

“Why don’t we manipulate the situation? Once we make Smaug aware that we have Kili, we can make a show of making the other packs in the area aware. Everyone can make a big show of standing down and not wanting to be involved, we can all act like we’re leaving the area until things are resolved. If Smaug thinks we’re not willing to get involved, he’ll be less likely to have his scouts search the surrounding areas as thoroughly.”

It’s easy to see that everyone in the group agrees with what Elrohir is saying, but Elrond still seems hesitant about the situation, focusing in on the details. Battle planning was no simple affair.

“Yes, but what if he figures out that we’re lying? What if his scouts do happen upon us while we’re waiting in the woods?”

Fili lets out a frustrated sigh, fingers running through his hair, body coiled ever so tightly with stress, worry, and fear. It’s clear that he’s exhausted, they all are, and it’s also clear that there is not going to be a simple solution to figuring this situation out. It’s harsh and complicated, a mess of tangled lines of fate that would require some strings to be shorn away in an attempt to untangle it.

“There isn’t going to be an easy way to do this Elrond. No matter what we decide, there’s going to be a chance that it’s all going to go to hell. Out of everything we could potentially do, I think it’s the best option. It’ll be the last thing he’d see coming.”

“Exactly,” Kili adds, “he knows any sane pack with any amount of sense fears him and his power. If everyone acts the way that they’re supposed to, he won’t expect a damn thing because he doesn’t believe that anyone would actually go against him. As long as we all play our parts, it’ll work.”

No one says anything for the moment, minds trying to wrap around the enormity of what they are planning to do. So many things could go wrong, so many people might end up slaughtered, and frankly it’s terrifying. The whole situation might have started because of Kili’s presence, but now it was morphing into a problem of itself. No one wanted Smaug around anymore.

“I’ll commit to it. I do agree that Smaug needs to be stopped; his reign of terror has gone on for too long. For now we’ll wait until you let us know what the next move is. More planning will need to be done, but that will be better suited once you know who exactly is willing to stand with you.”

“Thank you, Elrond. It means everything to us.”

“Thank us after the battle is won.”

A few more pleasantries are exchanged, Elrond and his sons leaving almost as quickly as they came. They’re a bit of a dreary bunch, certainly not overly optimistic about the situation. But really, in the end a somber attitude isn’t going to mean the defeat or loss against Smaug. All that matters is that they have the manpower behind them.

“I’m gonna go take a nap. I’m completely wiped out.”

Fili nods his head slowly, pulling out his phone and checking his messages.

“Alright. I’m going to make a few phone calls. I want to see where Bard is at and I also want to get a hold of Legolas.”

“You might benefit from a nap as well, you know. You’ve got the same amount of sleep as me. None.”

A small tired smile twitches at Fili’s lips, placing his phone back in his pocket before he steps forward and wraps Kili in a solid hug. His own arms wrap solidly around his mate, fingers tangling into the strands of hair that hang down his back. It’s the safest feeling in the whole entire world, being wrapped up in those arms.

“I’d really love to, you have no idea how much I’d love to. But the sooner I get this all sorted out the better. Once we know who’s on bored we can move onto the next step of actually deciding on how we’re going to lure Smaug here.”

He doesn’t want to think about what it’s going to take to get Smaug here. Honestly he doesn’t want to think of anything negative right now at all. Being able to have just a few moments of quiet without thinking of the future was all that he needed right now. No thoughts of anything but the smell of his mate, the warmth in his heart and the sounds of the pack living their lives around them. Only a few minutes of indulgence are allowed before Fili pulls away.

“Sleep well, love.”

“Love you too. Wake me up in a couple hours if I’m not already? It’s too early to sleep the day away, I just need a power up.”

“Of course.”

Cheeks brush together, lips meet for a few soft moments, and then he is walking away into the house, the weight of his sleepless night falling down on him.

 

* * *

 

Fingers brush gently across the planes of his face, running from the bridge of his nose to the curve of his jaw in gentle sweeps. There’s another arm wrapped loosely around his waist, warm breath ghosting gentle against the back of his neck. Lips press to the mess of his hair, sheets tangled around his legs and fingers curled into the pillow beneath his head.

“S’already time to get up?”

“It is. I even let you sleep for three hours instead of two. You can sleep for longer if you like.”

“Can’t. I helped make this mess, I should be involved with the cleanup.”

Fili doesn’t say anything to that, fingers continuing to curl against skin and more kisses being pressed against the skin of his shoulder.

“Not fair, I can’t kiss you back like this.”

Arms extract away from his body, the warmth against his back disappearing in a matter of seconds. He’s about to grumble his lack of enthusiasm about this action, only to keep silent once Fili is crawling over his body and laying face to face before him. A small smile forms upon his lips as their gazes meet; Kili will never be able to get over those eyes that are as blue as blue can be.

His hand moves forward as fingers trail along the golden scruff of Fili’s jaw, the hair thicker than usual. It’s odd really, that he can’t recall having ever traced his fingers across Fili’s lips or fingertips treading against the skin of his cheek. There’s something about Fili and him feeling eternal which has skewed everything in this relationship, so the thought that he hasn’t had a moment to just lay in bed and take him in is suddenly the most terrifying thing in the world.

There hasn’t been a moment for him to appreciate the man before him besides the night of the scent marking, and that had been colored with desperation and need. Curled up in their bed, there is now time to take in his mate, to worship carefully, to kiss gentle and touch soft. The crackling ache in his chest only subsides when he feels his beast mingle with Fili’s, fingers moving once more against the softness of Fili’s cheek.

Many thoughts swirl through his mind, many things that he would like to say. His tongue feels like lead, he can’t get anything out right now, so instead he shows. Body shifts, a hand curling into the hair at the nape of Fili’s neck, foreheads pressed together and breath ghosting against skin. When their lips meet, there’s no fear, no anxiety or animal need. It’s an accumulation of gentleness, a soft slide that flitters into a slow tumble of something more.

He doesn’t quite remember how Fili ends up between his legs; mouth pressing soft kisses against his thighs and voice echoing, “is this okay?” every few minutes. There’s heat flooding through his entire body, warm and thrumming that feels so different from all the other kinds of heat he’d ever felt in this sort of position before. His mate is ever so gentle, so sweet and kind, trailing his lips up and down his length soft as a butterfly’s kiss.

When the wet slide of a tongue finally traces around the crown of his cock, his back arches off the bed in pleasure, overwhelmed by sensuality and pleasure. He doesn’t last long, not with that tongue and mouth worshipping him so beautifully. His fingers are curled into Fili’s hair, hips rolling up minutely into his mouth, caught between the need toss his head back on the pillow and desperately wanting to watch.

It’s a carefully placed lick dragging along the frenulum that sends him over the edge, hips jacking up while a harsh moan escapes from his parted lips. He barely notices the hands that move away from his stuttering hips, chest heaving and body lax with waves of bliss. It doesn’t take long for Fili to crawl back up the bed, mouths connecting in wet licking kisses that taste like his own essence.

He doesn’t quite remember how he ends up between Fili’s legs hours or minutes later, a little more desperate and a little less sweet and tender than Fili had been with him. It’s intimate, it’s love poured out with his actions, It’s a declaration of everything he wants and everything he hopes to be. It pleases him to see his lover so debauched and pleased, head tossed back and hands clawing into the bed sheets. When his mate finally climaxes, when his taste is upon Kili’s tongue, he thinks that this moment is the only one that he will ever need.

 

* * *

 

They’re curled up in the bed sheets half asleep, skin covered in drying sweat and other things, limbs tangled together loosely. Frerin would rather leave them to their happiness, but there were more conversations that needed to be had, and sleeping wasn’t going to get that done. He had knocked on the door pretty forcefully, but there had been no real response, only tired grumbles.

His nose wrinkles in distaste as he opens the door, the smell of sex and sweat absolutely saturating the air. Before he does anything else, Frerin opens up a window, only then flicking on the lights and clapping his hands together loudly. Fili instantly shoots up from the bed; sheets pooling around his waist while Kili burrows his head beneath a nearby pillow.

“Really Frerin?”

“I’ve been commanded by your mother and Dwalin to interrupt the two of you. There’s more planning that needs to be done and more details to be hashed out.”

“You couldn’t have woken us up a bit… gentler?”

“Take a shower before the two of you come out, you reek,” Frerin smiles, waggling his eyebrows before he exits the room.

“He’s a nuisance,” Kili grumbles.

“He is,” Fili murmurs, running a hand up and down the length of Kili’s spine. A shiver runs through his mate’s body, face peaking out from the pillow to blink blearily at the light.

“Shower?”

“Whatever you want, love.”

“I want sleep, but I don’t think that’s on the table right now.”

Kili slowly stretches out, lean muscles rippling before he’s tumbling out of the bed like a pup, smiling softly at Fili.

“Come on then, we need to conserve water after all.”

Really, how could he say no to that? Considering everything that had happened, it’s a tame shower with only a few teasing touches, bright eyes and warm smiles for the both of them. Fili loves this little pocket of happiness that they’d managed to make, and he doesn’t want to burst it by going out to talk with the rest of the pack. But there’s work to be done, and he knows that they can’t put it off.

When they get out to the kitchen, only Frerin and his mother are there, the latters hands wrapped carefully around a steaming mug of tea. She smiles softly when she sees him entering the room, turning the same look upon Kili. It means the world that his mother approves of his mate, inspiring bright warmth that blooms in his chest.

“There you are. We were worried you’d never come out.”

Kili blushes the littlest bit at that, hand feeling around to tangle with his own, his mothers smile only growing wider.

“You have nothing to fear, mom. Where’s everyone else?”

“Dwalin, Bofur, Bifur, Risna, and Tirra are talking at the barn. Considering how… inflamed, some of the pack is about our current situation, they figured they would go away from the house and that way Gimli can’t listen in. The rest of the pack are out at work.”

It’s ridiculous that the rest of the pack isn’t on board yet, but he’s not willing to push them. Lately he’d been starting to realize that forcing the pack to do things wouldn’t gain him anything, even if it was the old way.

“Okay, we’ll make our way over then.”

“We’re coming as well. We just needed to rouse the two of you as well as get your mother a cup of tea.”

Fili nods his head at his Uncle, squeezing Kili’s hand once before they’re out the door, and heading towards the barn. It’s in the middle of being remodeled, the insides completely gutted with nothing but the pipes for the water system they’d installed, a few dangling light bulbs, and the fresh ceiling they’d put in between the first and second floor. Kili looks around with interest, barely managing not to stumble into Fili when he stops before the group that is gathered in the first room.

Dwalin’s arms are folded across his chest, scowling between Bofur and Risna. The two seem to be in a heated conversation by the looks of it, Bofur’s wife Tirra looking exasperated with the entire situation.

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing, it’s been settled. The better question is what are we doing next?” Bifur asks.

“Have we heard back from Bard yet?”

“He called back about an hour ago. The packs of the lake regions as well as his own pack will stand with us. That gives us another one hundred bodies. Legolas called back as well, but he says that he can’t guarantee anything right now,” Dwalin growls. The man never had been fond of that particular leopard pack, even before their first showdown with Smaug.

“I didn’t expect anything different, to be honest. I think it’s best that we discount them from our potential allies until we get back something definitive. There’s no time for capriciousness.”

“Agreed. We can’t count on Thranduil for this,” Frerin nods. The group seems to all agree completely on that matter, at least.

“Aragorn also called back to ask you something important, but you were rather busy at the time. As your second I took it upon myself to make the best decision for the pack and spoke with him for you. He’s going to try and get Faramir’s pack as well as Eomer’s to join our cause. I hope that you approve my judgment in that I said yes to his request to involve them.”

To say that he is shocked encompasses only a little of what he is feeling in that moment. It was already enough for Aragorn to agree to involve his pack in this war, but to go and recruit others as well? It was above and beyond anything that was even remotely required of him.

“Truly, he means to ask them?”

“Yes. He planned on contacting them as soon as we were off the phone. I’m still waiting to hear back from him,” Dwalin answered, voice gruff.

“Gone for less than two hours and I miss everything,” Fili laughs. If both Eomer and Faramir agreed, they wouldn’t need Thranduils pack to be able to overcome Smaug. Hope bleeds through his entire being, Kili’s hand squeezing his gently.

“Thank you, Dwalin, you handled it perfectly.”

“We actually stand a chance,” Tirra smiles, wrapping an arm tightly around Bofur’s waist.

“What would you have us do until we hear back from Aragorn, Fili?” Dis sips at her tea after asking her question, steady as a rock as always. For so long she had been the grounding force in his life, before Kili had shown up.

“We’ll have to keep an eye out for more of Smaug’s sniffing about. Everything needs to be timed perfectly, which means nothing can slip. Staying close to home is the best idea for now, no going out unless it’s for work or it’s an emergency.”

“And once we hear from Aragorn?”

“We plan our next move.”

* * *

 


	15. Explanation

Hey everyone. So. No this isn't an update, but, as the chapter title states, an explanation. 

I've received a few asks here and there on tumblr from people over the past few months, wondering if I'm going to ever update this story again, and I felt like I needed to give a bit of an explanation posted on here so that anyone/everyone can see it.

For all intents and purposes, this fic (along with my other hobbit ones) are abandoned. This fandom was a huge huge huuuuge part of my life for the past few years, and it will always hold a very special place in my heart. I made some wonderful friends from this fandom, I lost a few, and ultimately I wouldn't change my involvement with it for anything. But. Over the past year I've become exceedingly disenchanted, and really don't consider myself to really be a part of the fandom anymore. My heart just isn't in it anymore, and trying to continue any of these fics would feel like a disservice. Honestly I thought about taking all of these works down, but ultimately decided against it. I wrote these fics not just for myself, but for others, and I'd feel quite bad taking them away from anyone who still enjoys them.

With that being said, I would love to finish this story (and the others) someday. I still have the ideas, I still know what I'd like to do with it, I'd still like to finish it at the very least for myself. But, I'm currently working on a masters degree that is sucking the life out of me, so I don't see that happening anytime even relatively soon. Maybe someday I'll work on it again, maybe I'll get that creative urge to finish it. But, for now, I'm done.

So, thank you to all of you who loved this story from the beginning, and thank you to the people who still loved it enough to keep messaging me about it. If you'd like to know how the story was meant to end, you're more than welcome to shoot me a message on tumblr.

 

It's been a great ride. <3


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